Miles Ever After (Miles High Series)(38)

Twelve failed rounds of IVF are bad enough to deal with.

But getting asked the question everywhere we go is a hard pill to swallow. Even the paps are weighing in on it now.

When are you having a baby?

A simple, harmless question with no malice intended. The result…a cut so deep that it goes straight to the bone.

If they only knew what was going on behind closed doors.

I can’t blame them, it’s a question that comes up and perhaps I’ve even asked someone the same insensitive thing before. It’s as if it’s a god-given right that everyone gets to choose…and hell, I only wish that were true.

Reality is setting in, this actually may not happen for us, and Elliot’s right, I need to prepare myself for it.

My heart is bleeding for every mom that didn’t get her baby.

For her dream of a family that didn’t come true.

For the dads that never got to go to the mini league game, the Santa Claus they didn’t get to play.

My mind goes round in circles, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

Everywhere I go I see them; pregnant woman are everywhere. With their big, beautiful tummies on display. Glowing and gorgeous.

Femininity personified.

And then there’s me, a walking nutjob with my hormones all over the place, laughing one minute and crying the next. Hearing a simple song can set me off on a crying tangent for three hours and don’t get me started on my raging temper.

I’m up, I’m down, I’m a one-woman fucking circus.

I’ve never felt like such a failure.

Getting a negative result is bad…but watching Elliot’s heart sink is…. worse.

I can feel his disappointment, sense all the words he doesn’t say.

It kills me.

It’s like we are on this roller coaster to hell, every month we start off optimistic.

Every month ends in disappointment, the cut a little bit deeper, a little bit wider.

An infection that is festering just under the surface.

Elliot says he can’t do this anymore, he’s had enough.

But I have to be strong, I can’t give up, my faith is strong, our happy ending is coming.

It has to.





Elliot


I pinch the skin on Kate’s stomach and slide the needle under her skin.

“I’m getting a pro at this.” I smirk. “I would have made a great doctor.”

Kate bends and kisses my head. “Dr. Love.”

I smile and stare up at Kate and sit back on my feet. “The last injection.”

She nods and smiles sadly. “I know.”

Twenty-four rounds of IVF over three years.

All failed.

This is our last try.

They call it unexplained infertility.

The eggs are great, the sperm is good, it goes great in a test tube but as soon as the embryo is transplanted it doesn’t take.

There is no reason.

I think it would be easier to take if there was, because then we would know what we were up against and we could fix it.

But this….

I stand and pull Kate to me for a hug, I hold her tight. “This is the last time, sweetheart.”

She nods through tears. “I know. I have faith it’s going to work out this time, El.” She smiles into my shoulder.

I squeeze her harder.

I wish I did.

“If this doesn’t work out, we move on with our lives, Kate. We can’t do this forever.”

“I know, baby.” She nods. “I gave you my word, this is it.”

“I have to go to work.” I sigh.

She gives me a lopsided smile as she straightens my tie. “Have a good day, Dr. Love.”

“I will.” I kiss her softly. “Paint me something amazing today.”

She smiles. “Don’t I always?”

I kiss her again and my hands go to her behind. “You do, actually.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I make my way out to the car and drive down the winding driveway.

My mind is running a million miles per minute.

I think I’m going to book a long vacation for the end of the month.

I guess it’s going to go one of two ways, we will either be celebrating the start of our new life or commiserating as we close the door on a dream.

Either way, we need a fresh start.

It’s time to start living again.





Kate


My phone buzzes in my bag and I dig it out, a familiar name lights up the screen.

Emily





“Hi, babe.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Nervous.” I hunch my shoulders up. Emily, my sister-in-law, has become my rock.

I’m close to all my sisters-in-law, but I have a special bond with Em. We are probably the most alike and she’s become one of my best friends, we speak every day.

“You should hear soon, right?”

“Yep.”

“Are you going to do a test today?”

“No, I’m going to wait until they call me. I just….” I exhale heavily. “I’m so nervous.”

“It’s going to be positive; I know it.”

I nod. “Yes, positive thoughts.” I smile hopefully. “You’re right.”