Just a Bit Dirty (Straight Guys #10)(58)

“You left him to talk to me?”

Harry got to his feet and gave him a crooked smile. “You seemed very sad. I couldn’t just ignore it.”

Miles shook his head with a faint smile. “You’re so weird, mate.”

Harry laughed. “Yeah, everyone says so.” He turned to leave, but then stopped and looked at Miles. “I know it’s difficult to talk about stuff like that, but you shouldn’t push your family away. Ever since I chose to live with my boyfriend, I see mine very rarely, but knowing that I have their support makes a world of difference. I’m glad I can be away from them without feeling alienated.”

“You don’t regret it?”

Harry shook his head, looking in his boyfriend’s direction with a soft smile. “I left everything I knew for him, but… I have no regrets. People are right when they say that home is where the heart is. I can live with seeing my family just a few times a year. I don’t want to be apart from him even for a few days.”

Miles bit the inside of his cheek hard.

“You know what, give me your number,” Harry said, handing him his phone. His face brightened. “We can text and stuff!”

Kind of endeared by Harry’s enthusiasm, Miles saved his number on Harry’s phone.

“Haz, are you done bothering the bloke?” said a dry voice.

Miles lifted his head and saw Harry’s boyfriend approach them.

Harry pouted. “I was just making friends,” he said, taking his phone back from Miles and slipping his hand into his boyfriend’s hand. “Bye, Miles. I’ll text you!”

Miles nodded with a weak smile and watched them leave. Harry’s boyfriend wrapped an arm around him and dropped a kiss on Harry’s temple. They were laughing about something together. Happy. Clearly in love.

Did it make him a bad person that his stomach burned with jealousy? He’d never thought he was an envious, bitter person, but at that moment, all he could think about was that it wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair.

“Enough,” he whispered aloud. He wasn’t this bitter, sad person who felt sorry for himself and envied other people’s happiness. He was better than that, dammit.

What did people say? Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

Miles stood and slowly headed back toward the house, feeling a little bit better. A little more like himself. No, he didn’t suddenly feel less heartbroken. But one day, he would be… okay. One day the shattered pieces of his heart wouldn’t seem quite as scary to touch. One day he would be able to talk about Ian to his family without breaking into sobs like a big baby. One day he would be able to type Ian’s name into Google and press Search.

It wasn’t that day yet.

It likely wouldn’t be that day for a long time.

But he knew that day would eventually come.

He just needed to try to get better.

“We thought you were still asleep,” Sandra said when Miles entered the house. She had her youngest son, Ben, in her arms.

“Just needed some fresh air,” Miles said, taking Ben from her and pretending not to notice his sister’s surprise. He’d been avoiding her kids like the plague lately. “Hey, mate. Look at you, you got so big,” he said, kissing Benny on the nose.

The child giggled, and Miles’s heart clenched.

Everything was going to be fine.

Eventually.





Chapter 23


As per family tradition, the Hardaway siblings gathered at Zach’s house on every Christmas Eve. Initially, it had been just them, but as they had grown older and significant others and kids had entered the picture, it had become a large, loud gathering.

It felt like the house was absolutely stacked with people.

Miles mostly tried to stay out of the way. Although these days he made some actual effort to be sociable, he no longer forced himself to socialize and fake happiness if it felt like too much. It wasn’t like his family had ever bought his act. His siblings seemed happy enough that he was no longer completely shutting them out and was actually making an effort to pick himself up and move on.

Granted, they were still treating him like a ticking bomb. Too careful. Too soft. Too wary.

“Miles, come here, why are you all alone in the kitchen?”

Case in point.

Miles suppressed a sigh. “I’ll be there in a minute,” he said. “Don’t wait for me.”

Sandra was frowning, but she did leave him alone.

Miles knew it wouldn’t last long. Someone else would come in a few minutes to check on him, as if they were afraid he’d do something stupid without supervision. It was so ridiculous. Did they think he was suicidal or something? He wasn’t that depressed. He was just… He was just…

Biting his lip, Miles headed back to the living room.

He stopped in the doorway for a moment, just taking in his family.

Sandra, laughing with her husband. Tristan, murmuring something into Zach’s ear, Zach’s arm around him. Ryan and James being all disgustingly sappy as only recently engaged couples were. John and his wife Vanessa snuggled up on the couch. Nick and Tyler playing tag with the kids.

They all looked so happy and content with their lives.

Miles didn’t know when he’d stopped feeling like he was one of them. Oh, he still loved his siblings, but he felt… He felt such a disconnect from them, a gap he seemed unable to breach. No matter how hard he tried, he felt like an outsider among them. A fraud.