Just One Year(25)

Oh. “If I were going to go to a therapist, I probably should have gone a long time ago for reasons other than what happened in the theater. I really am okay.”

I didn’t understand why I hadn’t been more traumatized by the attack. I’d had one good cry that night—the night Caleb walked in on me sobbing—but I hadn’t experienced anything like it since. Lately I’d mostly been thinking about Caleb, wondering if he was okay, because he’d seemed to be avoiding me since the night he told me about his sister. He’d canceled our last study session for no real reason. I missed hanging out with him but also recognized that my feelings were dangerous.

I needed to end this conversation. “Thank you for always being there, Maura. I know you mean well. And I’m sorry if I come across as unappreciative.”

“I just want you to be happy, Teagan. You’re at a tough age. As long as you know you can come to me about anything...”

“I do. Thank you.”

***

Later that night, Caleb texted, which was odd considering he was sleeping over at Veronica’s.

Caleb: So, when you imagined Maura choking on a chicken bone, was it barbecue or perhaps a buffalo wing?

Oh my God.

Teagan: I was hoping you didn’t remember that admission.

Caleb: I remember everything. So you’re out of luck.

Teagan: Great.

Caleb: So was it buffalo? Maybe some bleu cheese on the side?

Teagan: Teriyaki. LOL

A few seconds later he responded.

Caleb: Sorry I haven’t been around to study lately.

Teagan: Excuses. Excuses.

Caleb: I’ll get back on track this coming week.

My stomach did a little dip at the prospect.

Teagan: What are you doing right now?

Caleb: Veronica’s sleeping and I’m bored. Figured I’d taunt you.

Teagan: Why aren’t you sleeping?

Caleb: Why aren’t YOU sleeping?

Teagan: I had two cups of coffee after dinner.

Caleb: I’m just wired for no reason.

He texted again before I had a chance to respond.

Caleb: I also wanted to say thank you for listening the other night.

Teagan: I was worried that maybe you were avoiding me because you felt ashamed or something.

Caleb: That’s not it. I guess I just needed some time. I know the second I look at you, I’ll start to feel some of those emotions again. Because now you know, and there’s no hiding from it. It’s complicated, I guess. I needed a few days.

The confirmation that he’d been intentionally staying away made me a little sad, but I understood.

Teagan: I get it.

Caleb: I’ve missed studying with you.

I wanted to slap my own face for feeling tingly. I liked hearing that. Once again proof that I couldn’t control my feelings—about a guy who viewed me like a sister. Then I started to overanalyze. It hit me that maybe he liked me because I reminded him of what it would have been like if his sister were alive. She was younger than him. So was I.

I wished I could see him as a brother. It would make things much less complicated. I hated feeling jealous over his sleeping at Veronica’s. But I couldn’t help it.

Caleb: How’s the internship going?

Teagan: I have a new task at the aquarium, but I’m reluctant to tell you about it.

Caleb: Why?

Teagan: Because you’ll laugh at me.

Caleb: I promise I won’t. Tell me.

Just typing the words made me laugh.

Teagan: I have to dress up as a dolphin and give out tickets to the dolphin show.

He didn’t immediately respond. So I typed again.

Teagan: Stop laughing. You said you wouldn’t.

The little dots danced around as I waited for his response.

Caleb: It turns out laughing is involuntary.

Teagan: Sigh.

Caleb: I must come see this.

Teagan: Please don’t.

Caleb: You’re a good sport.

Teagan: I have no choice!

Caleb: You could have fought it. But I’m certain you went with the flow.

I’d been accused of hiding my femininity. But I now knew that nothing makes you feel less feminine than a furry dolphin suit. I definitely didn’t have to worry about getting hit on at work now.

I decided to send him a photo my co-worker had snapped of me in the costume.

Teagan: I figured I’d save you the trip.

About a minute passed. Then he responded.

Caleb: I think I nearly woke Veronica up. That is hysterical.

Teagan: Glad I could make you smile.

Caleb: You always make me smile, even when you’re not dressed in a ridiculous costume.

I wanted to strangle my heart for beating so fast. My own opinion of myself didn’t line up with that.

Teagan: Why do I make you smile? In general, I’m a pretty miserable person.

I waited forever for his response.

Caleb: I don’t buy that. You like to keep to yourself, but that doesn’t make you miserable. When you do smile, it’s genuine. A genuine smile is worth more than a thousand fake ones. You’re not capable of being disingenuous.

He clearly saw something in me that I didn’t.

Teagan: What about you? How often are your smiles real? How often do you pretend?

Caleb: I’ve pretended less since arriving here.

Caleb: And I’ve never pretended around you.