Jade Fire Gold(88)

You must find a way to live—find your peace.

Shīfù’s presence hovers over me, comforting yet pressing. I lean against the wall, his words and Ahn’s swirling in my mind. Do I have a choice to let this all go? To live a simple life?

I can’t.

I can’t let go. Can’t turn back now. I can’t abandon my family and my duty. Too many people have died senselessly.

Ahn rests her head on her knees, hair spilling over, covering half her face. I want to brush it away. I want to see her. All of her. Not this barricade of walls passing as a person. I take in how fragile she looks. How tired. But underneath that, I see the girl from the desert, strong and fierce.

Ahn remains silent for so long that I take it as my cue to leave and walk to the door.

“Stay.”

A whisper. One word.

She slides down under the covers and points at the spot next to her. I stare at it until she smiles and dips her chin in the briefest of nods. That fetter of caution tugs at me, but I yank free and join her above the covers, leaving a careful distance between us. But she simply nestles her head on my chest and rests an arm over me like she is protecting me.

Instinctively, I draw her close. She lets me. And somehow, it feels right. If she can hear the rapid pounding of my heart, she doesn’t let on. Slowly, I brush her hair from her face. Then, when she doesn’t react, I run my fingers through her hair, twirling the soft locks.

We lay like this until the lamp goes out, leaving a comforting darkness.

“I still hate you,” Ahn murmurs.

I sigh. “I know.”

“I haven’t forgiven you yet.”

“I know.”

I feel a jab at my ribs before I hear her voice again. “You’re only here as Tang Wei’s substitute.”

“Don’t tell her that or she’ll get mad.”

Ahn laughs. “Your real name is Jin?”

“Yes. Jin.” I haven’t said it for so long it feels almost like a stranger’s name. Altan cloaked me for a while, but Jin belongs to another boy. A boy with a different mantle of secrets. “My mother used to call me Altan. It’s a name I’ve grown up with, it’s just as real. It means the same thing in her language as my birth name—gold.”

Ahn groans. “That’s why Tang Wei keeps calling you by that nickname, Golden Boy. Jin.” She drags out the syllable, as if tasting my name on her tongue. “I like it, but I’m going to stick with Altan.”

“I don’t care what you call me.”

“Good, arrogant fool.” My laughter earns me another poke at my side. “Tell me about Jin.”

Trust has to be granted.

“What do you want to know?” I say.

“The happy things.”

I hear the smile in her voice, and my chest feels whole again.

So I tell her about Jin. I tell her about a boy who loved his family and thought the world of his father. A boy who hid a toad in his tutor’s shoe because his cousin dared him to, and who burned down half the royal stables by accident with his best friend. A boy who used to fake sword fights with his twin sister, and who cried every time he lost. I tell her about a boy who climbed high onto the palace rooftops, wishing he were a bird, so he could spread his wings and explore the world.

Eventually, I run out of happy memories. The night cocoons us in a familiar solace, the beating of our hearts syncing in rhythm. Ahn’s breathing slows, but I stay awake, thoughts spinning. I don’t know if she asked me to stay out of desperation or out of hope. I don’t know if I’m here because I’m her friend or because I want something more. Perhaps, all we are doing is keeping each other safe from the ghosts of our pasts.

Sometime later, when I’m half asleep, I feel her hand on my cheek, a gossamer touch that warms me.

A dream, perhaps. But if it were a dream, even the gods cannot drag me out of it.





37


Ahn


My nightmares are starting to lose their shape. All I feel is an endless drowning. Living in the gray corridor between sleep and wakefulness, unable to claw my way out.

And that voice, that wily voice, sleek as the night. . . . It whispers from the darkness. Badgering me, urging me toward the sword. Pushing me to use my life-stealing affinity. Ama said that magic doesn’t change who I am inside. But what if she’s wrong? What if something else lives inside me?

Magic has ruined me. Betrayed me. It was never a gift from the gods.

I have taken too many lives. I have tasted power, felt the sick pleasure of another person’s life force feeding mine. Was this how Yuan Long felt after he used his magic? Was it why he carried out his crimes and inflicted such damage on his people and his land?

Because he couldn’t stop himself. Because he wanted more.

I shiver and pull the covers up. Altan stirs but doesn’t wake. I asked him to stay on impulse. I’m not sure why. Maybe I was lonely and needed to be held. Maybe I wanted to see his stupid face.

My arm tightens over him. I must keep him safe. I will keep everyone safe. Safe from whatever lurks inside me. I stay awake, feeling his warmth, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

For a few more hours, nothing haunts me.

No nightmares, no voices.

I’m still awake when he rises late in the morning, but I pretend to be asleep, hoping he will stay longer. Carefully, he gets off the bed, resting a hand lightly on my cheek for a moment before leaving the room.