Invisible(9)

    She waited until morning to leave the apartment, and avoided seeing Antonia. Brandon gave her breakfast and then the sitter came. Fabienne was sober by the time she left. Antonia had already gone to school by then, and he was late for work. Brandon stood watching Fabienne go, unable to believe it was happening. He had a moment’s flash of memory of when he had first met her and was so taken with her. He wondered now if it had ever been love, or was it just excitement and lust. He made no move toward her as she walked to the front door with her suitcase. She said one of her friends was picking her up to take her to the airport. She was flying to L.A. that morning.

“When she’s older, tell Antonia I’m sorry,” she said calmly. “This will be better for her in the end.” He had a moment’s urge to rush toward her and try to stop her, but he knew he couldn’t. Nothing would stop Fabienne now. She was on her own path, thinking only of herself, as she always did, not her husband or her daughter. It was all about Fabienne, and no one else. She was following her dreams to become a star, no matter who she hurt in the process, and with little hope of seeing her dreams materialize.

The door closed softly behind her and he knew he’d never see her again. He wasn’t sure if he was angry or sad, and all he could think of in the silent apartment was what he was going to do with a seven-year-old child, and no one to help him bring her up. It was overwhelming. He sat down, dropped his face in his hands, and cried, for the little girl whose mother didn’t want her and for himself. He had a long hard road ahead. For himself, he was relieved more than sad. Living with Fabienne had been hell for the past several years. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d thought he loved her, and he wondered now if he ever had. The lesson he had learned was that passion came at too high a price, and love was only an illusion. He knew he’d never be taken in by a woman like her again. The question was what to do with Antonia now. He had absolutely no idea. And he had no desire to take care of her on his own, but no other choice. He was stuck with her, which was how he saw it. He tried to remember how much he had loved her the first time he saw her when she was born. But that was a long time ago. And he was a different person then. He still thought he loved Fabienne, and he’d had dreams of having a real family. The dream was dead now, Fabienne was gone, and he and his daughter were strangers to each other.





Chapter 3


On the weekend, two days after Fabienne had left, Brandon explained to Antonia that her mother was gone and she wasn’t coming back. He tried to explain that she had gone to Hollywood to try to be in movies, but the excuse sounded so empty even to his own ears, and so wrong, that he stopped trying to pretend it made sense and just told Antonia he was sorry. Antonia nodded, her eyes swimming in tears. She took the news stoically, and didn’t look surprised. She didn’t dare tell him that she had heard her mother on the phone talking to her friends about going to L.A. to become a star. She had been the victim of her mother’s rages often enough that she had learned that it was best to avoid her so as not to provoke her. She kept to herself and stayed in her room whenever possible. She was sad at the idea of her mother being gone, and wondered if it was because of something she’d done. But her father didn’t seem angry at her. He was very quiet and subdued, and he treated her like a small adult when he told her.

    He was gone more than ever once Fabienne left. An opportunity to buy another company presented itself shortly after, and he was spending a lot of time traveling and staying late at his office. Antonia hardly saw him. He had hired Judith, a new babysitter for her, when Fabienne left. She was nicer to Antonia than the others had been, a girl from Salt Lake City, the oldest of eight children, but Antonia still kept her distance from her. She was with her all the time now, and Antonia read or played alone. Judith never mentioned her mother to her. She thought it was better not to.

Antonia wondered how soon her mother would become a star, and if she’d come back to visit then. She hoped she’d see her in a movie one day. But she didn’t dare to ask her father.

Brandon didn’t mention Fabienne either, and as time went on, he got angry whenever he thought about her. His sense of defeat had turned to bitterness and rage. He felt cheated by her. Antonia noticed too that her father drank more now on the weekends whenever she saw him, which wasn’t often. He came home from trips exhausted and paid no attention to her. Her very existence reminded him of Fabienne. Sometimes he’d smash a glass into the fireplace, and she could hear it break from her room, or he fell asleep on the couch, and she’d see him there if she woke up early in the morning before Judith came. She’d creep quietly to the kitchen on bare feet, and pour some milk and cereal into a bowl and eat it in her room. Her room felt like the safest place to be now. Her father never went anywhere with Antonia, and let Judith take her to the park or the playground. He always had something else to do, and Judith stayed with her whenever he went away.

He didn’t want the babysitter living there all the time, but she was willing to stay anytime Brandon was away overnight or traveled. And she warmed the meals the housekeeper left for them every day. He said he’d try to be home more often, but he wasn’t. He had businesses to run and too much to do to have time for a child. Antonia knew that about him, and wasn’t surprised. She was used to his being away. Her mother’s absence didn’t change that. They had breakfast together sometimes, while he read the newspaper. And then she’d dress for school, and Judith would arrive. Antonia was used to taking care of herself, had learned to do her own hair, and dress, with all her buttons done up right. Her mother being gone didn’t change much in her life, although she didn’t tell her classmates at school. She was ashamed and thought they’d guess that she had done something terrible for her mother to leave her. And she wondered if her father would leave her too one day. She thought anything was possible if she annoyed him.