Invisible(10)

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    Right after she turned eight, her father said they were moving to a new apartment. He said it was bigger and she would like it a lot. She heard him say to someone that he wanted a clean slate to erase his memories of living with Fabienne. The new apartment was close to Central Park, a sunny duplex with two floors, two big bedrooms, and a maid’s room for Judith behind the kitchen when she stayed over. He took Antonia to see it before they moved in.

“Will Mommy know where to find us, if she comes back?” Antonia said, looking worried after she saw it, and he looked instantly tense and annoyed by the question.

    “I told you, she’s not coming back,” he said sternly. He didn’t want his daughter hoping, and being disappointed. And she had the distinct impression that he was angry at her, maybe because her mother left. She disappeared into her favorite hiding places when they got back to the old apartment. She liked her new room and it was bigger, and she had noticed convenient nooks and crannies to hide in. She liked disappearing, and when she came out of hiding, she pretended that she was invisible and no one could see her. But Judith did, and always found her. Sometimes Antonia slid under the bed and disappeared completely. She would lie there for a long time, out of sight, staring up at the box spring. She loved the idea of being invisible, and no one knowing where she was. She had gotten used to Judith and didn’t mind too much when she found her. And Judith let her keep the distance she needed, without crowding her. She encouraged Antonia to play with other children in the park, but Antonia preferred to sit on a bench reading a book. And the other children paid no attention to her. She never played with them. She was very pale with her blond curls and smaller than other children her age.

She helped Judith pack her books and toys, and they moved after Christmas. Brandon was doing well with his various manufacturing businesses. In each case, he had made a careful study of a failing business in need of money, bought it, and brought it back to life again, increased production until it turned a profit, and in some cases, he would then sell the business and buy another one. His empire was growing faster than projected. He was happy with how his business was growing, and all the money he made. He had built a sizable fortune. He wasn’t showy about it, but he liked knowing that Antonia would have security. He believed that was more important than spending time with her. He was building the future for her.

    It was after they moved, when Antonia was eight, a year after her mother left, that women entered her father’s life, and sometimes came to the apartment, usually late at night, after Judith left. Antonia could hear them laughing in his bedroom. He didn’t like Judith staying if he was there, and the women would go home after Antonia was asleep, but sometimes they didn’t, and she could hear him sneak them out in the morning. When he stayed out all night, which he did sometimes, Judith would stay with her. One of the things Antonia liked best about the new apartment was a closet where she could hide, under the stairs. It was her favorite hiding place and Judith left her alone there so as not to intrude on her.

Antonia only met a few of her father’s girlfriends. Most of the time, they arrived after she’d gone to bed, and she could hear them, talking and laughing downstairs in the living room, or in his bedroom a little later. She met one or two who talked to her. Some of the younger ones didn’t even try. They were too busy flirting with her father, the rare times she saw them. She could tell the younger ones weren’t happy to see her, even when they pretended to like her. They wanted her father to themselves, which was fine with him.

She heard her father say to one of them, “You don’t have to talk to her. She’s good about being on her own, and she’s very shy. She hides all over the apartment, and disappears for hours sometimes.” But the ones she liked always talked to her, for a few minutes anyway, until her father took them to the living room for a drink, and sent Antonia away. They went to his bedroom later, or they went out together.

    There was never one woman who was a constant. He seemed to have no interest in marrying again and settling down. Judith said so too. Some of them vanished very quickly, usually the loud, boisterous ones. He seemed to like the quiet, pretty ones who were younger than her mother, and he had a distinct preference for women with dark hair, like Fabienne. But Antonia thought that none of them were as pretty as her mother.

She wondered if her mother had become a star yet, and how long it would take. It had been a year since she’d left, and she and her father were managing, with Judith’s help. She was young, in her late twenties, but very responsible, and she had plenty of experience babysitting. Antonia liked her because, as she got older, Judith left her to her own devices, and didn’t hound her to do homework or anything else. Antonia always did her homework and school projects, no one had to pressure her, badger her, or force her. She juggled it all well, got good grades, and did well in school. Not having friends eliminated distractions, and she was diligent about her homework, and an excellent student.

When Antonia was nine, Judith left to get married and moved to California with her husband. Brandon found someone else to take her place, an older German woman. Antonia missed Judith, but after her mother left, nothing shocked her anymore. She had learned at an early age that adults were unreliable, and couldn’t be counted on to stick around forever, and she didn’t attach to them. She liked the new babysitter, Mrs. Schmidt, though not as much as Judith. They were on a walk together one day, coming back from the drugstore, and walked past the movie theater, when Antonia had an idea. She liked going to the movies, and it occurred to her that if she went to the movies, she might see her mother on the screen. It had been two years since she’d left, and Antonia was curious about her. She couldn’t say anything to her father, although she knew he’d be upset at what she was about to do, if she could get away with it. She got a small allowance to buy candy, but not enough to pay for a movie ticket. And she’d have to figure out how to get rid of Mrs. Schmidt on a Saturday afternoon for long enough to go to a movie. Her father played golf on Saturdays and was never at home in the afternoon. He came home just in time to change for his evening plans, and then left again quickly, promising to see her the next day, after he had a date and spent the night somewhere else. He thought Antonia was getting to be too old for him to bring women home. And Mrs. Schmidt was a widow and willing to spend the night whenever he asked her to. He had never liked the intrusion of live-in help, even though he could afford it.