Invisible(12)

    There was little time for his daughter in the scheme of his life. He was dutiful and provided for her, which he told himself was enough. Antonia lacked for nothing, and she was in good hands with Mrs. Schmidt. He intended to see to it that she had a good education, in a field that would be practical and lucrative, so she could be independent one day. He didn’t expect her to stick around after college, which was only nine years away, and by then he would have provided her with what she needed. He saw her as a responsibility more than a pleasure or a person. She was a job he had taken on, and which had been cast on him by his irresponsible ex-wife when she left. He didn’t expect Antonia to stay around forever and he didn’t want her to. It was a big world and she had much to learn and discover. He demonstrated no affection toward her and expected none in return. He had no idea what she liked or who she was. She was like an object Fabienne had left behind, and he was fulfilling an obligation, nothing more.

There was no room for frivolity in Brandon’s life, or the kind of passion he had indulged in with Fabienne. It was the last thing he wanted, and hoped it would never happen again. He was looking forward to his own freedom and independence when Antonia left. He wouldn’t have to think about her then, and worry about her being watched by a babysitter, or if she was growing up well without a mother. When she grew up, he could see her for holidays, and who knew where she would live, New York or another city, or maybe somewhere in Europe. He had no desire or need to hold on to her. He had grown harder and colder after Fabienne left. He was harder with Antonia too. And the walls he built around himself were impossible for a child to climb. She knew better than to try. He had become a very cold man.

    And although he never expressed it to her, Antonia could always sense that he couldn’t wait for her to grow up and go away, so he could reclaim his single life in full. Knowing that made her feel like an intruder in their home, as she always had. She was an unwanted guest who had been abandoned by her mother like so much luggage, and her father had no time for her. She was a painful reminder of a bad marriage to a terrible woman. She was a beautiful child, and well behaved, but she was a burden nonetheless, and there wasn’t a single day in her life when she didn’t feel it. Her father never had to say it. The only way she could escape feeling like a burden to him was to be invisible. She had learned that in her first seven years with her mother, and it served her well. Knowing how unwelcome she was, she simply made herself small, tucked herself in somewhere, and disappeared. She always felt safe when she did. It was the only time she felt safe in the loveless world she lived in.





Chapter 4


By the time Antonia was twelve, she had seen every appropriate current movie, some several times, and she was quite knowledgeable about them. She knew all the actors and actresses, and she still had a faint hope that she would catch a glimpse of her mother on the screen one day. But she focused more on the stories now, the action and the plot and how it developed throughout the film. The stories that she wrote herself were surprisingly adult and cinematic. She turned them in at school as her writing projects. Her father had never seen any of them. He behaved, even to Antonia, as though she were a duty he had inherited, like someone else’s child who had been dropped on his doorstep, and he did what he thought he should for her. He spent very little time with her, and she felt as though he was counting the days until she left. He reminded her constantly of how many years she had left before she went to college, as though she was supposed to be counting the days too.

At twelve, she was allowed to go to the movies alone. He trusted her to choose wisely, since she was a sensible child who never gave him any trouble. Having been rejected by her mother, she never wanted to give him any reason to reject her too, or send her away to school. She liked living at home, and the freedom she had there, since only the babysitter paid attention to her. And now her father gave her the price of admission to the movies. She no longer had to steal money from his wallet, although he never figured out that she had, since she took so little.

    She looked younger than her age, because she was small, but the people at the movie theater knew her well now, and expected her Saturday visits. They gave her free popcorn or a box of candy once in a while.

Other than the movies, she went to school, where she got good grades. She went ice-skating occasionally. Her father let her go to ballet class for a year, but it took too much time away from her studies, so she gave it up. Her life remained solitary. She had no close friends at school. She was always separate and alone, ashamed of not having a mother and a constantly absent, indifferent father. She couldn’t explain it to anyone and didn’t want to.

She looked somewhat like her father, who was a handsome man. She had more delicate features and was beautiful, though she had none of the smoldering, exotic appearance of her mother. That was a relief to her father. He never wanted to see that face again, even on his child. But Antonia was nothing like her. She had her own elfin appearance and beauty. She took French in school, in honor of her mother, and her father questioned her about it. She lied and told him the Spanish class was full. He didn’t want her idolizing her mother in any way. She still dreamt about her mother at times, and remembered her raven-haired, striking looks and dark eyes. But often they were frightening dreams of her mother screaming at her. Antonia had no gentle memories of Fabienne. There had been no happy times. The best her mother had ever done for her was ignore her. When Antonia had caught her attention, it was never for a good reason, and ended in a jealous rage.