Indefinite (Salvation #6)(41)

Clara and I inspected it, and it was within the margin of error, plus it was the second to last egg. We both felt it would’ve been a mistake if we didn’t try.

When she actually got pregnant, we were both beyond happy. Now, I wonder if we didn’t screw up.

“Hopefully, with the measures we are all taking, the last one will have a different result,” Clara says with a bit of hope.

“It’s the last idea we have.”

“Yeah, pregnancy is such a mystery sometimes.”

Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t.

“Speaking of . . .” Clara grins. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

She puts her chopsticks down and her features soften. “Ashton, let’s be honest here. You’re not fine. You called out of work yesterday to tour New York City. You’re having a baby, and that’s a big deal. Not to mention the guy is now courting you.”

That’s funny. “Courting me?”

“Well, what the hell would you call it?”

I don’t know, trying to get back in my good graces, which he’s actually accomplishing.

“He bought me flowers.”

“Yes, he did. And he’s given you coffee, talked to your parents, gave you some orgasms . . .”

“Thanks for reminding me,” I say as I lean back in my chair. “I don’t know, Clara. It scares me to let him in. I wish it were all just a little simpler.”

Clara smiles. “Nothing is ever simple.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

“I’m not trying to make you sad. I only want to make sure you know what you’re giving up if you push him away. Not everyone who gets accidentally pregnant has it happen with a guy who loves her and is willing to fight for her.”

She’s right. He wants to fight, but he doesn’t know what he’s up against. Will things change? Will he run away? Will he even stay long enough to find out the news before he heads back and signs the papers? I don’t know. He is a SEAL who loves his job, and I’m not sold that he means it when he says that he loves me more.

Quinn has talked about weakness, and I worry a child will be the ultimate one.

“I appreciate it, but Quinn will walk away because we don’t want the same things. This is what he does when it comes to me. I’ll give him credit that this has lasted longer than the last time, and he’s definitely trying new methods, but I don’t know. I’m focusing on the baby and the fact that I saved a boatload of cash and got what I wanted.”

She releases a heavy sigh and then leans forward. “I’m happy for you. I envy that you’re getting something you want. My husband never wanted kids, and at the time, I didn’t either. Especially thanks to the way I grew up. I thought I would be like my mother, and . . . well . . . time has a way of changing the things you want. By the time I did want to have kids, it was too late for me. I think it worked out okay, though. I could never have been half the doctor I am if I was trying to raise a family.”

“Do you regret it?”

Her dark brown eyes look away before coming back to me. “Mac and I thought about it for a minute last year, but he’s working so much at the bank, I’m here . . . it wouldn’t work. I don’t know that I regret it, but I think my daddy wishes I gave him grandkids. To answer your question though, no, I don’t regret it. I wanted the career, and a family was on the backburner.”

It’s the one part that worries me too. I work insane hours. Sometimes, I’m here for fourteen hours a day when we’re really busy. There are times I need to come in the middle of the night because an alarm or something goes off. I don’t know how I’ll do any of this and take care of a child, but I’ll do it.

Quinn will be in Virginia Beach or wherever because it’s not like he’ll stick around, so I need to think through everything.

My chest starts to tighten and my throat is dry. The realization hits me so hard I’m shocked I don’t fall off the chair. Holy shit. I’m going to be a single mom when I work like a maniac. How am I going to do this?

“Do you think I’ll have to step down?” I ask her with a shake in my voice.

“Why would you?”

“I’ll have a kid and . . . I don’t know how I’m going to run the lab.”

Clara moves to the chair beside me. “Things might change a bit, but it’ll be for the better. I think we work too hard and forget to live. If it weren’t for Mac, I would never leave this place. It’s important to have something to live for, not work to live for. Do you know what I mean?”

I understand it completely. “It’s part of what was so easy with Quinn and me for a while.”

“How so?”

“He lived in Virginia Beach and was deployed all the time. It was easy to keep my life exactly as it was. I didn’t have to worry about him or his time because when we did see each other, it was in short bursts. Now, he has this idea that we could build a life together, but I think that scares me too. He has this twisted version of what that looks like, you know? He has the most jacked-up family life, and I don’t know that the two of us can co-parent. It’s just . . . it’s impossible. I wanted a baby, not a baby with Quinn after I let him go.”

Or was this what I wanted somewhere in the depths of my heart all along? Last night was great and he’s being sweet and wonderful, but for how long? How do I trust him or myself?