If You Must Know (Potomac Point #1)(104)

“If he doesn’t have custody, who cares?”

“Willa will. She might want to know him someday, and while I’ll protect her for as long as I can, I can’t protect her forever. On paper it seems black-and-white, but I keep telling you reality is complicated and unpredictable. What if Lyle spends his prison time constructing some elaborate revenge plot?” I let loose a long breath. “There’s a lot running through my mind, and in order to feel good—to feel like the future won’t become an ongoing battle—I need to make peace. I need to forgive him so I can be free.”

Erin shrugged as if pacified, although I doubted I’d persuaded her. “What if I wait in the car? I don’t think you should be alone after you see him.”

“I love that you want to be there, but I’ll be okay. This is the first real test of the promise I made Willa to become the strongest woman I can.”

“Well, she’s in luck because we both know you ace every test you set your mind to.” Erin hugged me, prompting a round of happy tears for a change.

“Thank you.” I grinned, swiping my eyes. “It’s nice to know you’ve got my back.”

Erin’s expression slipped for a second. Feelings had never been her forte. “I talked to Mom this morning.”

I stiffened. “How is she?”

“Okay, I guess. She’s been leaning in to the part about the ‘loan documents’ so Dodo doesn’t think she was too gullible.” Erin rolled her eyes. “I reminded her about the family brunch on Saturday for the anniversary of Dad’s death. The reading of the memory jar will be done with or without her.”

“Is she coming home?”

“She won’t blow that off.”

I wasn’t as sure as my sister. “I don’t blame her, you know. It’s not easy to have people look at you differently and to know you’re the butt of their jokes.”

“Ignore them. All that matters is that we have each other and soon Willa, too.”

“What about Eli? You’ve been dodging my questions about him since getting back from Puerto Rico.”

Erin turned away, fiddling with the brush I’d set on the dresser. “Because that’s not important right now.”

“It is to me.” I stared until she glanced at me.

“Fine.” She grimaced. “He dumped me. I mean, if you can dump a friend . . . that’s what he did.”

“What?” I’d been so self-absorbed I’d let days pass without realizing the truth. “Why?”

“The ‘danger’ factor of my mission brought up his fears about losing someone. Apparently his late wife and I share a headstrong personality type he can’t handle now.” Whatever Erin’s true feelings about that, she hid them behind an “oh well” expression.

I pressed my hand to my chest. “Helping me cost you Eli?”

“No, Amanda.” She shook her head firmly. “Eli cost me Eli. I can’t turn into a different person—a cautious one—just because he’s afraid. I’m sad, but mostly for him, because he’s making his life so small.”

New tears threatened. My sister had made a huge sacrifice for me—such a testament to the change in our relationship, yet I felt awful. It was one thing for my husband to shatter my heart, but he’d also cost my sister a piece of hers. “Go convince Eli he’s wrong.”

“I thought about it, but he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. Same goes for Mom and you and everyone else.” She handed me my purse. “If we carelessly disregard other people, we should change. But if we’re merely being true to ourselves, we shouldn’t. How others respond to pain or fear is their choice. If Mom moves out of town and Eli lives a lonely life, that’s on them, not us.”

“It’s still hard not to feel responsible.” I bit my lip, aware that, in her own way, Erin had matured a lot these past few weeks. “I want to talk about this more, but I have to go. The traffic up to Baltimore might be heavy, and I don’t want to miss my visiting-hour window.”

My sister smiled at me and offered a final hug. “Good luck!”

I’d need it.



Razor-wire fencing, metal detectors, and the mild body search intimidated me, and I wasn’t even an inmate. The sound of heavy locks and buzzers and the bright lights and sterile, stark surroundings added to the bleakness, making me tremble.

I couldn’t picture my fastidious husband amid other prisoners, eating sloppy food from a tray and living in a six-by-eight-foot cell. He’d taken his chances, but I’d put him here. He had to be terrified. Enough to possibly have some regrets about how he had treated me.

Despite everything he’d done, my stomach burned at the thought of the danger he faced in prison. It would be easier on me if we wouldn’t always be connected through Willa. But he could choose to waltz in and out of her life, so I’d be stuck with him forever.

Today we’d be separated by thick glass. The barrier made me sad for all the visitors denied physical contact with an inmate they still loved.

I no longer loved Lyle. Sometimes my hatred for so much about him strangled me. He’d hurt my pride, weakened my belief in love, and in some ways cost me my mother’s affection. But I’d also tapped undiscovered strength, gained a sister I could lean on, and found enlightenment about my own insecurities.