How to Be a Bawse: A Guide to Conquering Life(38)
These two experiences are my life in a nutshell. Within forty-eight hours I go from being a superstar to “Lilly, right?” Sometimes it’s even within the same day. In the digital space I’m considered a star, but in Hollywood I’m just another person waiting to audition. I’ve learned that success in one area of your life doesn’t guarantee or entitle you to success in another. That’s why A-list celebrities have relationship problems and the most popular kids in school may not have the best grades. Just because you’ve climbed one ladder doesn’t mean you won’t have to start from the bottom of another ladder.
When I decided to try getting into TV and film, it took me a while to get used to the audition process. I come from a world where I write, shoot, edit, and release my own content. I make the rules and I know what I want. When I walk into an audition, I have one sentence describing the character I’m supposed to play and a roomful of people watching me critically. It’s the perfect atmosphere to ensure that you DON’T do your best. But just like I earned my stripes on YouTube, I knew I would have to start from the bottom of the Hollywood ladder. My career in the digital space gives me a slight advantage because I have a good agency repping me, but regardless of that, I’m still out there auditioning for two-line cameos in movies. I’m at the top of one ladder and at the bottom of another.
Is it frustrating? Of course. I’m doing a diagonal split across two ladders and my legs hurt. So why do I do it? Because I don’t want my pride to get in the way of achieving everything I want. The last thing I want is for my ego to prevent me from thinking I shouldn’t have to earn something. If I want to expand my brand and skill set, which I do, then I need to earn it, which I will.
It’s also a matter of respecting a different ladder and everyone on it. The climb up any ladder teaches you lessons and provides you with the necessary experiences. If I went from the top of my current ladder to the top of another ladder, I would have no clue what was below me. I would be inexperienced and probably fall to my death. In the same way, someone from another industry who jumps onto my ladder shouldn’t expect to be on top. With all due respect, if you’re going to stand beside me on the ladder I’m on and have no idea what a YouTube annotation is, that’s problematic.
There are many examples of people who have climbed multiple ladders and will probably continue to do so. The Rock (have I mentioned him before in this book?) went from being a pro wrestler to being a successful actor. That’s two ladders. He didn’t start his acting career as the world’s most-paid actor; he earned that title by climbing his way up. Drake went from acting to music. That’s two ladders as well. Justin Timberlake did the exact opposite and went from music to acting and back again. There is no all-access pass. No matter who you are, there is going to be something you want to do that will require you to start from the bottom. That shouldn’t scare you because you’re a Bawse and you thrive on challenges. You don’t feel entitled to success—you feel empowered to earn it. So earn it, again and again.
OUT OF THE BLUE
2010 It’s such a weird sensation to feel unimportant and invisible, and yet also feel like every person in the world is staring at you. I feel like there’s a huge neon sign above my head that reads “depressed” or “worthless.” I want to stay in my room all day, sitting in the dark, locked away from the world. That’s where I feel safest, although, to be honest, I’m the least safe person in my life.
When I’m walking down the street, everyone is looking at me. I might not see them looking at me, but I know they are. My brain is telling me they are. My darkness is an aura that does not go unnoticed. I hate when they look at me and I wish they would leave me alone, because I’m not proud of the person they see. I’m so uncomfortable in public and around people. I look down nervously and wring my hands in my pocket, counting down the seconds until I can be alone again, until I can hide again.
The only sanctuary I have is at the temple. I go there every day and sit in the back, as far away from everyone else as possible. But I still feel as if everyone is looking at me. Why wouldn’t they? I radiate sadness.
When I get home, I struggle to look in the mirror because I don’t want to face myself. I don’t know what to say to my reflection. We haven’t been friends for a while now. I look away and swallow the reality that tomorrow will be just like today, another day filled with people staring at me. I am dreading it.
2015 It’s such an exhilarating sensation to feel so loved and have so many people staring at you. I see a huge sign with flashing lights outside the venue that reads “Lilly Singh’s A Trip to Unicorn Island—SOLD OUT.” I know tonight is going to be magical. I want to be on tour forever, sitting in my dressing room, ready to take on another city. I feel my best when I’m onstage, and to be honest, it’s where I am my best.
I pace back and forth backstage, fired up, ready to put on the show of a lifetime. My stride is strong and full of power. My chin is up, my head is high, and my body is ready. I am so happy.
When I walk onto the stage, everyone is on their feet, screaming with excitement, looking at me. It doesn’t just FEEL like they’re looking at me, I can SEE them looking at me, and it feels magnificent. When I’m performing, my charisma can’t go unnoticed. I’m floating, with complete confidence, from one side of the stage to another. I feel comfortable here, with all eyes on me. And when I have to leave this stage, I’ll be counting down the seconds until I return.