Funny Girl(11)

‘I don’t think she likes it when people say that.’

‘I don’t,’ said Barbara. ‘And I don’t like it when a man tries to pick me up while his wife is watching.’

That seemed the safest interpretation. If she didn’t have a word for the other thing, she wouldn’t try to accuse them of it. She was definitely going to find out what a soubrette was. For all she knew, they were trying to turn her into one.

Brian and Patsy laughed.

‘Oh, I’m not trying to pick you up,’ he said. ‘It’s not sex. It’s something even dirtier. I want to make money out of you. I’m a theatrical agent.’

Barbara went back to the cloakroom with her coat, and that’s when it all started.





3


At Brian’s insistence, she didn’t go back to Derry and Toms.

‘I have to give two weeks’ notice.’

She had already phoned in sick so that she could visit Brian in his office. She couldn’t take any more time off.

‘Why?’

‘Why?’

‘Yes, why?’

‘Because …’ She couldn’t think of a reason, other than that those were the rules. ‘Anyway, how will I pay my rent?’

‘I’ll find you work.’

‘I need money now.’

‘I’ll sub you for a couple of weeks. A month, even. What are you earning, twenty quid a week? I’m not having you turning down work for the sake of eighty quid.’

She wasn’t earning anything like twenty pounds a week. She’d only been on twelve since she’d finished her probationary period.

‘But what work am I turning down? I’ve never acted in anything in my life.’

‘That’s the beauty of it, darling. No experience necessary. No acting necessary, even. I won’t mention Sabrina ever again after this. But you may have noticed that she’s not exactly Dorothy Tutin. Sweetheart, you only have to stand there and people will throw money at me. Some of which I’ll pass on to you. Honestly, it’s the easiest game in the world.’

‘Sounds like the oldest game in the world.’

‘Don’t be cynical, darling. That’s my job. Listen. Do you know what a soubrette is?’

She sighed and rolled her eyes. She was going to find a library the moment she’d left Brian’s office.

‘You are the very epitome of a soubrette. And everybody wants them. But really, you don’t even need to do that. People will pay you a lot of money just to be you. Just do what I tell you to do and we’ll all be happy.’

‘What are you going to tell me to do?’

‘I’m going to tell you to meet people, and these people will tell you to do things. Smile. Walk up and down. Stick your chest or your bottom out. That sort of thing. We’ll have you under contract to a studio in no time. And before you know it, every man under the age of seventy will have a picture of you wearing a bikini on the wall of his potting shed.’

‘As long as they let me act, I’ll wear anything they want.’

‘Are you telling me you actually want to act?’

‘I want to be a comedienne,’ said Barbara. ‘I want to be Lucille Ball.’

The desire to act was the bane of Brian’s life. All these beautiful, shapely girls, and half of them didn’t want to appear in calendars, or turn up for openings. They wanted three lines in a BBC play about unwed mothers down coal mines. He didn’t understand the impulse, but he cultivated contacts with producers and casting agents, and sent the girls out for auditions anyway. They were much more malleable once they’d been repeatedly turned down.

‘The way I remember it, Lucille Ball wasn’t left with much choice. She was knocking on a bit, and nobody was giving her romantic leads any more, so she had to start making funny faces. You’ve got years before we have to start thinking about that. Decades, probably. Look at you.’

‘I want to go to auditions.’

‘What I’m trying to tell you is that you won’t need to go to auditions. You could be a model, and then you can be in any film you want.’

How many times had he given the same little speech? They never listened.

‘Any film I want as long as I don’t open my mouth.’

‘I’m not going to bankroll you for ever.’

‘You think if I open my mouth you’re going to have to bankroll me for ever?’