Funny Girl(10)

‘No, no. He just wanted some company. I was probably at the pictures or somewhere.’

‘She wasn’t a young woman,’ said Audrey.

‘Well, that’s quite sweet, that he wanted to spend an evening with someone of his own age.’

Audrey contemplated the elaborate fraud that had been perpetrated on her and shook her head.

‘I can’t believe it,’ she said. ‘What an odd thing to do.’

Sidney and Valentine came back to the table, friends again.

‘I should introduce you two properly,’ said Valentine. ‘Audrey, this is Barbara. She works in my office and she’s nuts about Matt Monro. So when Joan fell ill this afternoon …’

Sidney’s wife looked at her, confused and then outraged.

‘Nice to meet you, Audrey,’ said Barbara, and she went to get her coat.

There had been a strange enjoyment in the few minutes she’d spent talking to Audrey because they’d allowed her to appear in a comedy sketch that she’d written herself, on the spot. It had been a half-decent performance too, she thought, considering the thinness of the material. But then the adrenalin left her body, and as she queued for the cloakroom, she felt as blue as she’d ever been in London. Since her conversation with Marjorie, she had been telling herself that her choice was clear, if dismal: she could work behind cosmetics counters, or she could pick up men like Valentine Laws, in the hope that they would take her somewhere a few inches closer to where she wanted to be. But she had picked up a man like Valentine Laws, and she’d ended up feeling cheap and foolish, and she would be back behind the cosmetics counter the following day anyway. She wanted to cry. She certainly wanted to go home. She’d had enough. She would go home and marry a man who owned carpet shops, and she would bear his children, and he would take other women to nightclubs, and she would get old and die and hope for better luck next time around.

And on the way out of the Talk of the Town, she met Brian.

She nearly bumped into him as she was walking up the stairs to the entrance. He said hello, and she told him to bugger off, and he looked startled.

‘You don’t remember me, do you?’

‘No,’ she said, and she was glad that she didn’t. He clearly hadn’t been worth remembering. He was handsome enough, and he was wearing what looked like a very expensive suit, but he was even older than Valentine Laws. Everything about him was untrustworthy.

‘We met at the first night of that Arthur Askey film you were in.’

‘I’ve never been in any film.’

‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Sorry. You’re not Sabrina, are you?’

‘No, I’m bloody not bloody Sabrina. Bloody Sabrina is bloody years older than me. And yes, she comes from the same place, and yes, she’s got a big bust. But if any of you ever looked above a woman’s neck, you might learn to tell us apart.’

He chuckled.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m glad you’re not her. It wasn’t a very good film and she was hopeless in it. Where are you going anyway?’

‘Home.’

‘You can’t go home yet. Matt Monro hasn’t even started, has he?’

‘Why can’t I go home?’

‘Because you should stay and have a drink. I want to know all about you.’

‘I’ll bet you do.’

She could wrestle with this man, because she wanted nothing from him and she was sick of all men anyway.

‘I’m not who you think I am,’ he said.

‘I don’t think you’re anybody.’

‘I’m very happily married,’ he said.

Suddenly there was a smiling, attractive woman by his side. She was a little bit younger than him, but nothing scandalous.

‘Here she is,’ said the man. ‘This is my wife.’

‘Hello,’ said the woman. She didn’t seem to be angry with Barbara. She just wanted to be introduced.

‘I’m Brian Debenham,’ he said. ‘And this is Patsy.’

‘Hello,’ said Patsy. ‘You’re so pretty.’

Barbara started to imagine what this could be about. A husband and wife trying to pick her up came from somewhere right on the fringes of her imagination. She didn’t even have a word for it.

‘I’m trying to persuade her to have a drink with us,’ said Brian.

‘I can see why,’ said Patsy, and she looked Barbara up and down. ‘She’s right up your street. She looks like Sabrina.’