Frayed (Connections, #4)(94)

I roll off her, the weight of my odd feelings heavy on my mind. She stays silent and so do I. But I pull her to me and then tug the sheet back over us. I bury us in our cocoon where I don’t have to try to figure out what the hell is going inside my head.

I must have fallen asleep, because when she turns in her sleep, it awakens me. Her back nestles into my front and I curl my arm around her. Her skin is warm and feels incredibly comforting against mine. My fingers mindlessly play with the shamrock in her belly button.

“You asked me if I knew if the baby was a boy or a girl,” she says, and the sound of her voice surprises me.

My movement stops for the briefest of moments but then I continue to finger the ornament. “Yeah, I did.”

“What I said sounded cold. But it wasn’t like that.”

I close my eyes. “I never thought you sounded cold.”

“I loved the baby. That’s why I knew I couldn’t keep it.”

I kiss her cheek and let mine rest on hers. Inside our cocoon we can talk about anything and I know this is something that she needs to share and I need to hear.

“Knowing the sex would have made it all too real. It was better for me not to know. Can you ever understand that?”

I kiss her cheek again, leaving my lips there because I feel the wetness of her tears. Then I turn her around to face me. “I do understand, S’belle. I do.” My fingers move back to the symbol of our baby she wears to remember, although I don’t think she needs to wear the shamrock to remember. “This is a beautiful thing,” I say, circling her belly button. “But you did what you thought was best for the baby and you don’t have to take the blame alone anymore. Let me help you.”

Her tears fall and her cries grow louder and I let her get it out. Let the emotion she’s kept bottled up for all these years spill out onto me. I know we can’t change the past. I have no idea what would have happened if she had told me, and that enables me to share in the blame. I want to help her heal the wounds that she hasn’t allowed to close. My arms tighten around her and I whisper, “It’s time to let go, S’belle. It’s time to let go.”

I don’t know how much time passes, but when I feel her breathing even out, I know she’s fallen asleep. I hope when she awakes, the burden she’s carried on her shoulders will feel a little less heavy. I carefully lift the sheet and slip out to shower. When I finish I go in search of my clothes, then remember I ripped the buttons off my shirt. I creep into her closet and find a USC sweatshirt large enough for me to wear. It looks familiar and I wonder if it’s mine from so many years ago.

With a grin on my face, knowing it is, I grab my keys and hers as well. I open the door to go pick us up some food and come face-to-face with S’belle’s brother—Xander Wilde. We were in the same fraternity in college, although he’s older. I knew who he was but didn’t really know him. Last year I saw him again at Dahlia’s house when he pulled his brother off me and Caleb hauled my ass out of the room. Not one of my fondest memories—getting my ass beat. But in hindsight it was well deserved. My cocky attitude and belligerent words were more than deserving of River’s anger.

His eyes narrow as they assess me. I feel he’s trying to determine if I’m good enough for his sister. Maybe I’m aiming higher than I should. In fact, I’m sure I am because I actually feel he’s trying to determine if I’m as big a piece of shit as he believes I am. It’s how I imagine I’d feel going to pick a girl up for a first date and having to meet her father, one that already hated me. But since I dated Dahlia all through high school and I had grown up next door to her, thank f*ck I never had to experience that kind of scrutiny, because this is a really uncomfortable feeling.

He steps around me and makes his way in, looking around for Bell. “Where’s my sister?”

I take a deep breath and extend my hand. “Xander.”

His eyes keep sweeping the apartment. Then he nods, extending his hand in return, allowing his eyes to settle on me for a quick second. At least he doesn’t leave me hanging. “Jack told me what happened yesterday. I stopped by to check on Bell.”

Fuck me if this couldn’t be more uncomfortable. Normally I’d have already said f*ck you. But since I’ve just spent the last . . . I don’t how long . . . f*cking his sister and she’s sleeping naked in the other room while he’s here to check on her, and I do want to try to earn his respect, I face his scrutiny head-on. “She seems to be fine. She said her head only hurts around the stitched area.”

His face turns red. His fists clench.

I start to wonder if he’s going to be the next one throwing a punch at me. I’m not worried for myself. I just want to prove to S’belle that I can handle the situation. So if he wants to pound the shit out of me, I’m going to let him. I need to make things right with her family, and although him throwing a punch at me isn’t ideal, it’s a start. I brace myself and fight the urge to retaliate.

“I’m going to kill that motherf*cker one day,” he blurts out in a huff.

I let my tension release and nod in agreement. “My feelings exactly.”

“I had a bad feeling about him from the day I met him. I told Bell, but she always sees the good in people and couldn’t see it.”

I know there was a dig in there for me. I could hear it in his voice.