Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(63)

His own eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

“Until…” he swallowed.

“Until…” I nodded.

The silence crashed over us, the tension thick in the air. My eyes fell back to my hot chocolate, the cream completely melted into my drink now as the marshmallows bobbed up and down.

“I’m sorry Reese.” Killian’s arm stretched across the table, his fingers wrapping around my wrist.

“It is what it is,” my eyes flick back up to him, I am sure I can feel my heart cracking all over again, the guilt eating me up.

“Don’t say that.” Killian shook his head.

“What?” my brows dug in as I furrowed them.

“Don’t say ‘it is what it is’.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re accepting that what happened is okay.”

I yanked my arm away from him.

“That’s not what I am doing,” I snapped. “I have accepted what happened, I haven’t accepted anything more than that. Anything anyone does to me now doesn’t bother me as much as losing Elijah. People may hurt me, Killian, people might make me cry, but I won’t beg anyone to stay, I won’t beg for anyone to love me. Don’t love me? Fine. If they want to leave? Leave. I am broken, Killian. There is nothing that can hurt me as much as Elijah dying did. I have accepted that this is my path, this was my fate, it is what it is.” I steadied my gaze, not blinking or breaking contact with him for a second.

“That was not your fate Reese, this right here is your fate. The moment you’re living in now is your fate. I believe you make your own fate; I don’t believe your life is mapped out for you. It’s bullshit. You either want to grab life by the balls or you let life royally fuck you over. I chose the first option. You don’t think I haven’t had my fair share of ‘it is what it is’ moments? I’ve had a handful. But I chose to go against the grain and changed my mindset.” I saw the clench in his jaw, his eyes narrowing on mine.

“Bully for you.” I threw myself back into the booth sofa, crossing my arms.

“Reese…”

“What?” I quipped.

“Don’t act like this… I was just trying to make you see things how I see them.” His voice was soft as he continued, “What happened to…” he stalled for a moment, his eyes searching mine as he waited for my acceptance to say his name. I nodded softly. “What happened to Elijah was devastating. No one should have to go through losing the love of their life… but it has made me understand you that little better. Selfish of me, I know.” He sighed, rubbing his stubble, licking his lips, “Can I take you home?”

I could feel he wanted to say more, but maybe he was scared of crossing the line.

“Yeah,” I whispered, grabbing my coat from the side of me and slipping out of the booth. I shrugged my coat on and waited for Killian. He threw some dollars down, took my hand and we walked to the car.

The snow was falling around us, the air was bitter.

“You didn’t tell me anything about you.”

I felt his grip tighten on my hand.

“Let’s save getting to know me for another night…” he turned his head, looking down at me as he smiled.

I nodded. I had overloaded him tonight.

But we both knew this was the end.

We both knew we were a losing game.

There wasn’t going to be another night.

We only had tonight.

And I wanted to remember it all.





CHAPTER 27





KILLIAN





How could I have not known about what happened to her?

But then again, how was I to know? We didn’t know each other. We still didn’t know each other.

It was the end of the road for us.

I knew she was right about Connie. I had to put my daughter above anyone I loved, because she was my world.

I was a shitty father, but I was trying to make it right.

Sure, I was her ‘sperm donor’ as she liked to refer to me, but I wanted to be so much more than that to her. I didn’t want anything to fuck it up.

Pulling the car into the underground parking lot of our apartment block, I cut the engine. Turning in my chair, I faced her.

“Spend the night with me…?” I asked her, my eyes connecting with hers. She was flawless. Pure. Everything I would want in a woman.

But she is right. We wouldn’t work. She wants what I can’t give her, and it is selfish of me to ask her to not have kids because I don’t want them.

“I would love to,” she smiled, the familiar blush creeping onto her golden skin.

Thank fuck she said yes.

Opening the door, I walked round to her side and helped her out. We walked hand in hand to the back entrance of the apartment block. No words were exchanged as we waited for the elevator. If this was our final goodbye, I wanted to remember every part of her. I wanted my fingers to trace her outline and every curve of her slender body. I wanted this evening imprinted on my brain, so I always had it.

There was something about her that had me addicted. The thought that after tonight she was going to be just a friend made my chest heavy, an unbearable pain searing through me.

I had never been in love.

I had never wanted to be in love.