Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(15)

He looked delicious. He smelt even better. A weird combination of bitter and sweet… I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

My tongue darted out as I licked my lips.

“No,” I shook my head, snapping my head back around and focusing on the ducks, wagging their little tails as they lapped up the bread, their quacks echoing round the park.

“Do you like ducks?” he asked, his leg crossing over the other one, his hands resting on his knee.

“Erm,” I blinked for a moment, “they’re okay I guess?” what a strange fucking question.

Do I like ducks?!

“You’re British?” I saw a small smile cross his lips.

“Yup.” I breathed out.

Why was this so awkward?

“Where in England?”

“Near London,” I smiled softly, my mind flashing to back home in Ongar.

“I have offices in London, I normally head over there two to three times a year.” His eyes were still fixed ahead, he was also now watching the ducks.

“Oh” I mustered; I felt the crackle in the air.

“I’m Killian,” he turned to face me, holding his hand out for me to take.

Killian. The K.

It made sense now.

“Reese.” I smiled, wrapping my fingers round his hands as we firmly shook, I felt my skin smother in goosebumps before it tingled from my fingertips right through to my toes, my heart humming before a strong spark coursed through me.

Pulling my hand out of his quickly as if his touch hurt, I patted it on my dress.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Reese.” He stood slowly as he pushed the button through his navy suit.

“You too and thank you for the Champagne.” I swallowed, my mouth dry. Could he see my vein in my neck throbbing, my chest heaving as my heart thumped beneath my skin?

“You’re most welcome, hopefully I’ll see you again soon.” He winked before turning and walking away into the distance.

I watched until he was gone. My eyes fell to my hands, studying the small blue ring that sat on my middle finger. I had it made from Elijah’s ashes, so he was always with me. The rest of his ashes were given to his parents who scattered them at his favourite cove in Cornwall.

I didn’t agree, I thought they should have kept some of them but who was I to decide? He was their son. I didn’t have any rights in their choices.

Losing my Elijah benefited four people, so he was a superhero.

Someone got his heart, his kidneys, his liver and his lungs. It makes my heart swell momentarily thinking four people got to live because of him, but it took me a while to get to this point. First came grief, then anger… unbelievable anger. I mean how dare those four people get to live, and my Elijah didn’t. It didn’t seem fair.

His heart was so strong, but not strong enough to keep him with me.

The burn in my throat apparent, the sting behind my eyes almost unbearable. Swallowing the lump that was lodged in my throat back down, I stood quickly and walked back towards the hotel. That was enough sight-seeing for today.

I dragged my heavy legs along with my heavy heart to the hotel, my head down the whole way. I had fallen back into my black hole and that’s where I wanted to stay for the evening.

I needed a sad film, chocolate, and wine.

Then I would cry and cry some more.

It’s a process.

A coping mechanism.

Even two years on.

Climbing into the bed, sitting in my comfy pyjamas, I flicked through the pay to rent movie channel.

Smiling softly, I saw The Notebook on there.

This was perfect.

Heartbreakingly perfect.

I reached across for the chocolate and the cheap bottle of wine I bought on my way home. This was my evening sorted.





CHAPTER 7





Eyes stinging, red and swollen, my nose streaming as I stepped out of bed and walked towards the hotel door. Rubbing my nose with a tissue, I looked through the peep hole to see Connie standing on the other side with a bucket of Champagne and two glasses. Rolling my eyes but smiling, I unchained the door and opened it.

Sniffling, I held my hand up to wave.

“Oh my god, Reese, what’s happened?” her voice was panicked as she placed the champagne on the side table just inside the door before her arms wrapped around me and held me.

“I’m okay, I’ve just finished watching a film.” I muttered, my voice thick with sadness as the tears sprung to my eyes again.

“Are you psycho?” she pushed back out of the embrace; her fingers still firmly curled round the top of my arms, “You chose to put yourself through this absolute misery?!” her voice getting higher as her eyes bounce between mine. “There is enough shit and upset in the world but yet, here you are, sitting in a dark room bawling to a film that you chose to watch!”

“It helps.” I shrug not wanting to elaborate anymore on it. Turning on my heel and walking back to my bed, I flick the tele over and let old friends re-runs play in the background as I clear my bed picnic for Connie.

“Looks like you have had a right good time.” Her voice was laced with sarcasm.

I scoffed.

“Don’t judge.” My eyes narrowed on her, before I broke into a smile.

“No judging here baby girl, just observing.” She nodded firmly before winking. A small laugh bubbled out of me as I felt the bed dip slightly when she knelt on it.