Confidential(26)

“I thought he was charming.” It was becoming obvious that she didn’t trust charming. “I just don’t want you to have blinders on, you know? I’m here to protect you.”

“That’s not why I asked you to come.”

“No, you asked me to come so you could push Michael into going public. And guess what? It didn’t work. We’re here, and he’s not.”

“Because he’s working.”

“But he could join us later, right? He doesn’t see patients until ten o’clock, does he?”

“He calls them clients,” I practically mumbled. She had me on my heels, which was not at all where I expected to be when it came to Kate. She had always been the one nipping at my heels. I’d wanted her to come out here and put her seal of approval on my relationship. Instead, I was more insecure than before she arrived.

I shouldn’t blame Kate; I knew that. But I resented that she was putting me on the defense.

I preferred offense. “What was that stuff at dinner about how great Young and I were together?”

“I never said great.”

“You really think I would have been happier staying with Young?”

“I said it was a checklist marriage. But if we’re being honest, you’ve put up with more shit from Michael than you ever put up with from Young.”

My eyes widened. She had to be kidding.

“Sure, you were unhappy with Young, but he knew it. You stifle yourself with Michael. You let him call the shots.”

“Only about going public.”

She shook her head. “It’s more than that. You defer to him. I’ve never seen you behave like that with anyone. It’s like you think he’s above you, and maybe he thinks so, too.”

“That’s not true! We’re equals. He just has a career to protect.”

“Did he give you a date or a plan?”

“No.”

“He just tells you he’s sorry and he understands. He does all the therapist shit. Lots of empathy, no action. Since when do you put up with that from a man?”

The server approached our table, smiling, and I told Kate just to get whatever she wanted, get everything, we’d split the whole menu, but I’d lost my appetite. When I had been Michael’s client, he did have more patience and empathy for me. He did seem to care more. It’s like I’d been demoted.

I hadn’t allowed myself to fully admit it before, but I was jealous of those other women, the nameless, faceless clients who sucked all his energy and gave him so much pleasure. And maybe I was putting up with too much shit. Sure, he used to say I was a force of nature, but I hadn’t heard that in a long while. If I used to be a cyclone, now I was just some wind whistling through the trees.

“I need to get out of here,” I said.

“We just ordered a shitload of food.”

“Do you want to stay and eat it? You can take an Uber back to my place later, or we can have them wrap it up. Whatever you want.”

“What I want is a night out with you.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I wish I could stay. But I’m going to confront Michael.”

Her eyes lit up. “Finally! That’s my girl!” She smiled at me. “I’ll see you at your apartment later with doggie bags.”

I guzzled the rest of my mojito and kissed her cheek, then hurried out.

As I drove toward his office, I ignored the voice that told me to turn back. Kate was right; I’d been doing everything on his terms, and what did I have to show for it? I didn’t have a date or a plan for us going public. I was letting him be the boss when I was a boss bitch, and he needed to see that.

It was one of the reasons he fell in love with me, right?





CHAPTER 20





LUCINDA


“We’ve established that Adam was a bad guy,” I said, “but what about Mom?”

Dr. Baylor finished making a note on his pad and looked up. “You tell me. What about her?”

“Is a parent guilty for what she doesn’t see, even when it’s right in front of her face?”

“You said that you and Adam took great pains to keep her far away.”

“But isn’t that, in itself, suspicious?”

“Denial is a protective mechanism. It keeps us from knowing what we can’t psychologically handle, from what would destroy us.”

My stomach dropped. It wasn’t what I’d hoped to hear.

All week, I’d wanted Mom to be guilty, because after I’d reached out to tell her how sorry I was, I’d gotten nothing back.

I didn’t only say I was sorry, though. I said that I’d come to realize that while what I did was wrong, I had been a child and a victim of sexual abuse. I could have had Adam arrested, and I probably still could. But I wouldn’t do that. I’d let him live out the rest of his life in peace. Judging by his appearance the last time I saw him, there wasn’t much left.

I meant it as something of a peace offering. If she wanted to stay with Adam until he died, she was welcome to do it; I wouldn’t interfere.

If Mom was in the wrong, too, then I didn’t have to worry so much about her lack of response. I wouldn’t have to think about the condition of that house. Like derelicts were living there. Like drug addicts.