Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy(38)

‘Nuclear families? I never see Jake from one month to the next. He’s always off on some gig or tour, and when he appears it’s frequently like having some kind of teenage stoner in the house.’

Then we all came back to our house, and watched Britain’s Got Talent while I cooked (i.e. microwaved popcorn) and now the children are asleep. Billy and Finn are over the road, and Mabel and Oleander are here.

Sunday 6 January 2013

Twitter followers 649 (feel like tweeting disappeared followers saying, ‘Why? Why?’).

8 p.m. Another good day with Rebecca and the kids. Another good evening with me, Mabel and Billy on my bed watching the Britain’s Got Talent results while I checked Twitter on my iPhone, tweeting my followers (649) with piercing aper?us on the ongoing programme: e.g. <@JoneseyBJ Aww #Chevaune song v. moving totes amazog.>

8.15 p.m. Ooh. Have got response to my apercu from someone called @_Roxster!

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ #Chevaune song ‘totes amazog’? My tears are getting mixed up with my sick.>

‘Mummy,’ said Billy.

‘Mmmm?’ I said vaguely.

‘Why are you smiling like that?’





DO NOT TWEET WHEN DRUNK


Thursday 10 January 2013

Twitter followers 652, Twitter followers who came back 1, new Twitter followers 2, alcohol units (do not want to even think about it. But – quavering voice – don’t I deserve a little happiness?).

9.30 p.m. Chloe staying over again after her night out with Graham in Camden. Is nice sitting down at the end of the day and updating myself with current affairs and Twitter with a well-earned glass or two of white wine.

10 p.m. Woah. Fantastic story: ‘Beef Lasagne 100% Horse’.

10.25 p.m. Hee hee. Just tweeted.

<@JoneseyBJ Warning: Fish fingers found to be 90% Sea Horse.>

Sure will be retweeted and bring more followers like spambot tweet!

Maybe will have another glass of wine. I mean, Chloe is here, so is fine.

Love that the tone of my Twitter feed is so loving and friendly. Not like some, where everyone is slagging each other off. Really, is like going back to the days of Robin Hood with all these little fiefdoms and oh . . .

10.30 p.m. Everyone is slagging me off. And my tweet.

<@_Sunnysmile @JoneseyBJ You think that’s a new joke? Don’t you read anyone except yourself on Twitter? Self-obsessed or what?>

Really need another glass of wine now.

10.45 p.m. Right, am going to tweet back to @sunny or whatever she’s called ’erself and tick her off. So people aren’t allowed to make up their own jokes any more?

11 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile If you don’t stop being mean I will de-follow you.>

11.01 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile Here one spreads joy & positive energy by tweeting. Rather like birds do.>

11.07 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ ‘They toil not, neither do they tweet.’ Hmm. No, they do tweet though. Thasu point with birds.>

11.08 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ Anyway f*** em. Stupid birds flapping around tweeting all over s place. Oh oh look at me! I’m a bird!>

11.15 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ Hate birds. Look at that movie ‘The Birds’! Birds can turn MAN-EATING.>

11.16 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ Peecking people’s eyes out with 60s hairdos. Vicious nasty birds.>

11.30 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ 85 followess gone waway. Why? Why’wasi hwohave I don? comebac!k>

<@JoneseyBJ Noo! Follwers draining away as if through sieve.>

<@JoneseyBJ Nooo! Hate bireds Hatetweetings Hate drainqine away follwoers. An goingsoto bed!>





TWUNKEN AFTERMATH


Friday 11 January 2013

Twitter followers lost 551, Twitter followers remaining 101, number of words of screenplay written 0.

6.35 a.m. Will just check my Twi— Gaaah! Just remembered twunking incoherent drunken rant last night, slagging off birds for no reason to hundreds of complete strangers. Oh God. Have clouting hangover and have got to do school run. Oh, is OK because Chloe is doing school run. Am going back to sleep.

10 a.m. Look, this can be salvaged, like any other PR disaster. With exception, possibly, of current Lance Armstrong PR disaster.

10.15 a.m. Right. The Leaves in His Hair. Must get on.

11.15 a.m. Actually, maybe I could have a career in PR! Oh, shit, is 11.15, must get on with screenplay. First, though, clearly I quickly need to make a full and frank Twitter apology to my few remaining followers.

<@JoneseyBJ Very sorry re #twunk last night re birds.>

11.16 a.m. <@JoneseyBJ Birds delight our ears and eyes with their feathers and song! And control worms. Leave birds alone!>

11.45 a.m. Maybe will just throw in quote from Dalai Lama for good measure:

<@JoneseyBJ Just as a snake sheds its skin so we can shed our past and begin anew. (@DalaiLama)>

9.15 p.m. Right. Children are asleep. Am going to get back on Twitter.

9.16 p.m. OMG. Tweet from @_Roxster! Yesss! At least Roxster has not left in disgust.

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ @DalaiLama Once the hangover has cleared? Do you realize you’ve been singled out in a #Twunk thread?>

9.17 p.m. Oh God. Everyone is ridiculing me and retweeting my drunken birds tweet. Must try and do damage control.

<@JoneseyBJ #twunkbirds Look, sorry, I really wish I hadn’t – what is the past tense of tweet? Tweeted? Twittered?>