Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits #4)(11)

“No,” I tell Silas, forcing a smile on my face. “He hasn’t said anything at all.”

I pick up another cardboard box to fill with food, my heart racing. I hate lying, I always have.

“Tell me the truth.”

I look up to find his gorgeous emerald eyes narrowed, a hint of annoyance in them. “I did.”

Silas takes the box from me and puts it down on the table before reaching for my hand. He holds my hand between both of his and shakes his head. “Tell me,” he repeats, his tone pleading, sweet even.

“I…” Silas tightens his grip, his thumb caressing the back of my hand. “He’s been spreading some lies about me, but it’s okay. I can handle it, Si.”

Silas looks into my eyes, as though he’s assessing my words, and then he sighs. “What has he been saying?”

I bite down on my lip nervously and look away. “Silas,” I whisper. “It’s nothing.”

“If that’s the case, then you’ll have no problem telling me all about it.”

The look in his eyes tells me he won’t let this go, and I look down in defeat. “He said that I… I… sucked, um, that I—”

“That you sucked his dick?”

Heat rushes to my cheeks, no doubt turning them rosy. “Yeah,” I whisper.

“Did you?”

I look up, shocked. “No, of course not!”

Silas chuckles, his thumb drawing circles on the back of my hand. Does he realize he’s still holding my hand? “Have you ever sucked dick, sweet girl?”

I swallow hard, unable to calm my racing heart. I’m so flustered, and I have no idea how to answer. For some irrational reason, I want to lie and say yes, so I don’t seem as young and na?ve as Silas seems to think I am.

“I didn’t think so,” he murmurs, his eyes briefly dropping to my lips before he looks away.

“What makes you think I’ve never done that before?”

Silas smiles before facing me. “Besides the fact that you can’t even say the words?”

There’s something different in his gaze now, and it makes him look sexier than he ever has before. Something about the way he looks at me has my heart thumping loudly.

“I… I…”

“Don’t be in such a rush to grow up, Alanna. Take your time. Firsts are important, whether that be your first kiss, or the first time you do anything sexual. You’ll remember every one of those instances for the rest of your life. Make them count.”

I pull my hand out of his, unable to suppress my annoyance. He’s treating me like a child again, and I hate it, but that’s not all. My annoyance is fueled by the irrational anger I feel at the thought of him remembering some other girl that he had his firsts with. Knowing that there’s someone who will always have that place in his memories irritates me.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice soft.

I shake my head and wrap my arms around myself. “So you remember all of those firsts?”

Silas smiles at me and nods. “Yep. I had most of my firsts on the same night, with a girl I’d met at a house party. Linda.” He smiles when he says her name, and my heart squeezes painfully. “Girl had a sinfully wonderful mouth and an even hungrier—” he stops talking abruptly and shakes his head. “Anyway, my firsts were rushed and not with anyone special. If I could go back in time, I’d have saved them for someone I actually wanted to share those memories with, you know?”

I nod, but my mood is entirely ruined. I know he sees me as a child, and I know he isn’t someone I should be interested in, but I can’t help myself. I hate that his firsts are all gone, that they’ll never be mine.

I bite down on my lip and focus on adding cartons of fruit juice to our food packets, trying my hardest to keep my attention off Silas, but I can’t. I keep wondering what he might be like with a woman. What would it be like to date him?

“You’re quiet,” he murmurs eventually, and I look up at him. “Penny for your thoughts?”

I chuckle and shake my head. “My thoughts are worth a whole lot more than that.”

He takes a penny out of his pocket and pushes it toward me. “Penny is all I’ve got, my love.”

My eyes widen as realization dawns. I never should’ve said that… not when I know he’s homeless. It was thoughtless and insensitive, and I should’ve known better. “I was joking,” I whisper, pushing the coin back to him. I force a smile onto my face and lean against the table that separates us. “My thoughts can’t be purchased, Silas. They have to be exchanged. I’ll give you mine if you give me yours.”

He looks into my eyes for a moment, and I worry that he’s seeing straight through me, that he can see the embarrassment I’m trying to hide. He nods, and I exhale shakily.

“Very well. What is it going to cost me?”

I smirk, relief rushing over me. “One question, and you have to answer honestly.”

He pauses, as though he’s going to decline my request, but then he smiles, his dimples making an appearance. “Okay. Tell me what you were thinking just now, Alanna.”

I look into his emerald eyes, taking in that intense look of his. “I was thinking of you, and how unfair it is that every one of your firsts was taken by someone who won’t cherish them.” It isn’t the full truth, and the way he smiles tells me he knows it. He stares me down and lifts his brow, indicating for me to continue. I sigh as I drag my gaze away. “I want them for myself, Silas. I want your firsts. I want to be someone you’ll always remember. I don’t know why, okay? I just do.”