Beautiful World, Where Are You(82)

Please do, Alice replied.

Pulling a chair back and sitting down, Eileen asked: What are we talking about?

Felix passed her the joint over the tabletop. Alice was just telling us about her parents, he said.

Eileen took a quick drag and exhaled, nodding her head, everything in her face and bearing showing an effort to be cheerful.

Well, you already know, Alice said to Eileen. You’ve met them.

Mm, Eileen said. Long time ago. But go on.

Turning back to the others, Alice went on: With my mother it’s actually less complicated, because she and my brother are like, suffocatingly close. And then my mother never liked me much anyway.

Yeah? Felix said. That’s funny. My mother loved me. I was her golden boy. Sad, really, because I turned out to be such a fuck-up. But she doted on me, God knows why.

You’re not a fuck-up, said Alice.

To Simon, Felix said: What about you? Were you your mother’s pet?

Well, I was an only child, Simon answered. Certainly my mother was very fond of me, yes. Is very fond of me, I mean. He was turning the base of his wine glass around on the tabletop. It’s not the easiest relationship in my life, he added. I think she sometimes feels kind of confused and frustrated with me. Like in terms of my career, the decisions I’ve made. I suppose she has friends whose children are the same age I am, and they’re all doctors or lawyers now and they have children of their own. And I’m basically still a parliamentary assistant with no girlfriend. I mean, I don’t blame my mother for being confused. I don’t know what happened to my life either.

Felix gave a short cough, and asked: But you have a fairly important job, do you not?

Simon looked around at him, as if the question was surprising, and answered: Oh God, no. Not at all. Not that I think my mother is obsessed with status, by the way. I’m sure she would have liked to have had a son who was a doctor, but I don’t think she’s disappointed in me for not wanting that. Felix passed him the joint and he accepted it.

We don’t really have serious conversations, he added. You know, she doesn’t like things to get serious, she just wants everyone to get along. I think in a way she finds me intimidating. Which makes me feel awful. He took a short drag and, after exhaling, added: Whenever I think about my parents I feel guilty. I was just the wrong son for them, it wasn’t their fault.

But it wasn’t your fault either, said Alice.

Intently Eileen was watching this exchange, her jaw held tight, still half-smiling.

What about you, Eileen? said Felix. You get along okay with your parents?

The question seemed to surprise her. Oh, she said. Then, after a pause: They’re not bad.

I have an insane sister who they’re both afraid of. And she made my life hell when we were kids. But otherwise they’re okay.

The sister who got married, said Felix.

Yeah, that’s the one, she said. Lola. She’s not really evil, she’s just chaotic. And maybe a bit evil, sometimes. She was really popular in school and I was a loser. I mean, I literally had not one friend. Looking back, I think it’s lucky I didn’t kill myself, because I used to think about it constantly. Around the age of fourteen, fifteen. I tried talking to

my mother, but she said there was nothing wrong with me and I was just being dramatic. Here she hesitated, looking down at the bare surface of the table. Then she went on: Really I think I would have done it, but when I was fifteen, I met someone who wanted to be friends with me. And he saved my life.

Quietly Simon said: If that’s true, I’m glad.

Felix sat up then, surprised. What? he said. Was it you?

Eileen was smiling more naturally now, still a little pale and drawn, but enjoying the rehearsal of a familiar story. You know we were neighbours growing up, she said. And when Simon was home from college one summer, he came to help my dad out on the farm. I don’t know why. I suppose your parents told you to.

In a low humorous voice, Simon said: No, I think at the time I’d just finished reading Anna Karenina. And I wanted to go and work on a farm so I could be like Levin. You know he has these profound experiences while he’s cutting grass with a sickle or something, and it makes him believe in God. I don’t really remember the details now, but that was my general idea.

Eileen was laughing, moving her hair around with her hands. Did you really come to work for Pat because you thought it would be like Anna Karenina? she said. I never knew that. I suppose if you were Levin, we were the muzhiks. Addressing the others again, she went on: Anyway, that’s how Simon and I became friends. I was one of the little peasant girls who lived near his family’s estate. Indulgently Simon murmured: I wouldn’t put it quite like that. Eileen dismissed this intervention with a flapping gesture of her hand. And our parents know each other, obviously, she said. My mother actually

has an inferiority complex about Simon’s mother. Every year on Christmas Eve, Simon and his parents come over for a drink and we have to scrub the entire house from top to bottom before they arrive. And we put special towels in the bathroom. You know that kind of way.

Smoking again now, leaning back against the wall, Felix said: And what do they think of Alice?

Eileen looked at him. Who, my parents? she asked. He nodded. Yeah, she said. They’ve met a couple of times. They don’t know each other really well or anything.

With a smile Alice said: They disapprove of me.

Felix laughed. Do they really? he asked.