Beautiful World, Where Are You(58)

Felix handed over the money.

Do you want me to wait? asked the driver.

Don’t be jealous now, good lad. You go away and enjoy your Lyric FM.

He got out of the car and knocked on the door. Alice came downstairs to answer it as the taxi was pulling out of the gate. Felix came inside, kicked the door shut, and put his arms around Alice, lifting her up a little and pressing her back against the wall. They kissed for a while and then he untied the sash of her dressing gown. She held it shut with one hand.

Oh, you are drunk, she said.

I know, yeah. I said that in the messages.

He tried to open her dressing gown again and she folded her arms tightly to prevent him.

Here, what’s the problem? he said. Are you on your period or something? I don’t care if you are, I’m a grown-up.

Alice retied her dressing gown grimly and said: You’re trying to embarrass me.

No, no. I’m just wondering what’s the matter. I’m not trying anything, I’m happy to be here. The taxi driver was very impressed I had a girlfriend who lived in such a big house.

Alice looked up at him and finally said: Are you on drugs?

God yeah, he said. Wouldn’t be much of a night out if I wasn’t.

She stood there with her arms folded. I don’t know, she said. Would other people let you behave like this? Other girlfriends or boyfriends you’ve had. Is this normal? You go out with your friends and get hammered and then show up in the middle of the night looking for sex?

He seemed to consider this, leaning his arm against the wall beside her head. I would often give it a go, yeah, he said. Not everyone would be up for it, obviously.

Right. You must think I’m a complete fucking idiot.

No, I think you’re highly intelligent. It’s not lucky for you, in a lot of ways. If you were a little bit stupider you might have an easier life.

He stood up straight and put his hands on her hips, in a way that seemed to convey fondness and even contrition.

The taxi driver told me you were going to fuck me out of it, Felix said. He told me, no way is she going to let you call around at this hour of the night looking like that. What I look like, I don’t actually know, I haven’t seen myself. But I can imagine not good.

You just look drunk.

Ah, do I? I don’t know, I suppose I shouldn’t have texted you. The stupid thing is, I was actually having a good night. I mean, okay, I went a bit overboard getting sick, but I was having a good time other than that. And you were probably having a fine time as well, lying in bed or whatever. So I shouldn’t have texted you really.

Right, but you felt like having sex, she said.

Well, I’m only human. Nah, but if that’s all I was after I could have gone elsewhere, couldn’t I? No need to bother you just for that.

She shut her eyes and said in a quiet, inexpressive voice: I’m sure that’s true.

Alice, don’t be looking so serious, he said. I haven’t been off with anyone else.

Obviously I could if I wanted to, but so could you. Look, I’m sorry if I’ve annoyed you, alright?

For a moment she said nothing.

And you probably don’t like being around drunk people anyway, he said.

No, I don’t.

No, why would you? I’d say you had enough of that growing up.

She stared up at him and he kept his hands on her hips, holding her against the wall.

Yes, I did, she said.

If you want me to go home, just say.

She shook her head. He kissed her again. They went upstairs together, Alice holding Felix’s hand and following behind him. In her room he took off her dressing gown and lifted her nightdress off over her head. She lay back on the bed and he went down on her. Her body looked compact, androgynous. She pressed her hand flat over her mouth.

He broke off then to undress himself and take his watch off. Looking down at her where she lay stretched out naked on the mattress, he said with a smile: Do you know what you look like? One of those girl statues we saw in Rome.





She laughed and covered her face.

Is that not nice? he said. It was meant nicely.

She said it was. He lay down beside her, his head propped up on the pillows, his hand toying idly with her small soft breast.

I was thinking about you at work today, he said. I find it makes me feel a bit better for a while but then I actually feel worse, because you’re lying around here all day and I’m stuck in a warehouse packing boxes. Not that I’m put out with you about it. I’m not going to be able to explain this the right way, but the difference between what we’re doing right now and what I do all day, I actually can’t describe. It’s hard to believe I have to use the same body for both things, I’ll say it like that. And it doesn’t feel like

the same. These hands touching you now, I use them to pack boxes? I don’t know. At work my hands are fucking freezing all the time. And like, basically numb. Even if you wear gloves they go numb eventually, everyone says that. Sometimes I’ll get a little cut or a scrape or something and I won’t even notice until I see it’s bleeding. And these are the same hands touching you? I don’t know, you probably think I’m off my head talking like that. But you’re very, very soft and nice to touch, that’s all. And warm. When you let me come inside you, I feel so good, I can’t even describe. I was thinking about that at work today and I wanted it so much I started getting annoyed. Like, annoyed, yeah, pissed off. That’s the other thing I will say about work, your feelings get really messed up in there. You start feeling things that make no sense. I should have been looking forward to seeing you, but I actually felt pissed off. And then I didn’t even want to see you anymore. There’s no point trying to explain it because it doesn’t make any sense, I’m just saying what I felt. I’m sorry.