Anxious People(37)
“What are you doing here if you don’t want money? If you’re going to take us hostage, you might want to be a bit more specific in your demands,” Zara snorted from over by the balcony door, giving the distinct impression that she thought the bank robber was underperforming.
“Can you just give me a minute to think?” the bank robber asked.
Sadly it appeared that the people in this particular apartment weren’t at all prepared to grant the bank robber that. You might think that if someone has a pistol, then people would be willing to do exactly as they’ve been asked, but some people who’ve never seen a pistol before simply take it for granted that it’s so unlikely to happen that even when it is happening, they can’t quite take it seriously.
Roger had barely ever seen a pistol before, even on television, because Roger prefers documentaries about sharks, so he held his hand up again (the other one this time, to show that he was serious) and demanded to know, loudly and clearly: “Is this a robbery or not? Or is this now some sort of hostage situation? Which way do you want it?”
Anna-Lena looked rather uncomfortable when Roger switched hands, because nothing good ever came of Roger gesturing with both hands within the space of a few minutes, so she stage-whispered: “Might it be better not to be provocative, Roger?”
“For God’s sake, darling, surely we have a right to accurate information?” Roger replied, insulted, then turned to the bank robber once more and repeated: “Is this a robbery or not?”
Anna-Lena stretched to see over his shoulder, and stuck out her thumb and forefinger, then waved them about in illustration while mouthing the words “Bang?” twice, then adding one helpful “Robbery?”
The bank robber took several deep breaths, eyes closed, the way you do when the children are fighting in the back of the car and you’re getting stressed and lose your temper and shout at them rather more loudly than you intended, and they suddenly get so scared that they shut up altogether, and you end up hating yourself. Because you don’t want to be that sort of parent. And the tone you use after that, when you apologize and explain that you love them but that you just have to concentrate on driving for a little while, that was the tone the bank robber used to address everyone in the apartment: “Can you… can I ask you all to just lie down on the floor and be quiet for a little while? So I can just… do some thinking?”
No one lay down. Roger refused point-blank, saying: “Not until we know what’s going on!” Zara didn’t want to, because: “Have you seen the state of the floor? This is why everyday people have pets, because it makes literally no difference to them!” Julia demanded to be exempt, because: “Look, if you sit me in an armchair it’ll take me twenty minutes to get up, so I’m not going to lie down anywhere.”
For the first time the bank robber noticed that Julia was pregnant. Ro leapt in front of her at once, holding her arms up and grinning disarmingly. “Please, don’t mind my wife, she’s just a bit hotheaded, please, don’t shoot! We’ll do exactly what you say!”
“I’m not bloody hothead—,” Julia protested.
“P-i-s-t-o-l!” Ro hissed. She hadn’t looked this scared since the last time she tried to photograph her shoes and accidentally clicked the selfie button instead.
“It doesn’t even look real,” Julia pointed out.
“Great. Let’s take a chance, then. We’re only risking our child’s life, after all,” Ro retorted. At that point the bank robber clearly felt that enough was enough, and pointed at Julia.
“I… I didn’t notice you were pregnant. You can leave. I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially not a baby, I just need to think for a moment.”
When he heard this, Roger was struck by an idea, an idea so brilliant that only Roger could have been struck by it.
“Yes! Go on! Off you go!” he exclaimed. Then he marched over to the bank robber and added seriously: “I mean, you can let them all go, can’t you? You really only need one hostage, don’t you? That would make things a lot easier.”
Roger poked his chest with his thumb repeatedly to indicate who the hostage should be, then added: “Plus the real estate agent. I can stay, with the real estate agent.”
Julia glared suspiciously at him and snapped: “That would suit you, wouldn’t it? So you can make an offer on the apartment after the rest of us have gone!”
“Keep out of this!” Roger demanded.
“Like there’s any chance we’re leaving you alone here with the real estate agent!” Julia snapped.
Affronted, Roger shook all the loose skin on the lower half of his face.
“This apartment isn’t suitable for you anyway! This is going to need someone who’s good at DIY!”
Julia, far too competitive to let that pass, snapped back: “My wife’s pretty damn good at DIY!”
“What?” Ro said in surprise, unaware that there was another wife apart from her.
Anna-Lena thought out loud: “Don’t shout. Think of the baby.”
Roger nodded aggressively: “Exactly! Think of the baby!”
Anna-Lena looked happy because he’d heard her, but Julia’s eyes darkened.
“I’m not going anywhere until I’ve bought this apartment, you miserable old goat.”