All That You Leave Behind: A Memoir(34)

“I’m thinking about gunning for The Guardian or Frontline,” I said. These two places offered some structure that I felt I might need. “What do you think?”

He said, “I think you should make your own movies.”

I paused for a moment and then went on to explain the financial aspect of my situation. “I don’t know how plausible that would be. I’ve only ever known and thrived in Web video and I’m not sure if that would translate.”

He remained undeterred. “At those types of organizations, they will place their structure on you versus you creating structure. You know and understand story.”

I had invited Andrew and his wife, Kate, to a screening of Free the Network, my first produced short at VICE about young Isaac Wilder and his quest to bring the Internet to Occupy Wall Street. We chatted at the event, but I was unsure if my film or I made a lasting impression on him. I guess we had.

We continued our discussion, and he asked what type of stories I was interested in. My world, at the time, revolved around science and technology. I asked him if he had ever heard about Ross Ulbricht or the Dark Web. There was a glint of recognition before he asked me to pitch it to him. Ross was a super-bright twentysomething who would go on trial as the founder of the illicit drug marketplace the Silk Road, located on the deep Web, also known as the Dark Web. Despite some nervous stammering, I made my way through it, and he said something about it being interesting to him. And then he said the magic words: “I could pitch this type of story to HBO.”

Sheila Nevins ran the empire that is HBO Documentary Films for almost four decades. She was called the grand dame of documentary by The New York Times and could be described as bright, playful, and fairly aggressive. Everyone in the doc world knew and feared her name. Andrew had worked with Sheila when HBO acquired his first film, Le Cirque: A Table in Heaven. Sara Bernstein, one of Sheila’s right-hand people, would also be involved in our pitch.

The exchange started off with an email in which Andrew asked if he and I could meet with them. I insisted on being in the room to pitch the concept, lying through my teeth that I was adept at pitching. While Andrew likely knew I was green, he also knew that Sheila and Sara liked working with women. I was excited about the possibility of being on the same email chain as them, let alone in the same room. They came from an unlikely class in media where women saw one another as assets, not competition. But I knew Sheila’s and Sara’s schedules were insane, so I didn’t place much faith in the meeting happening.

On October 29, I got a call from Andrew saying the meeting was on. I immediately emailed my dad the good news.


To: David Carr

From: Erin Lee Carr

Date: 10/29/2013

Subject: rossi—update





he just called and said, “I hope you don’t have plans for Monday at 2.” He had Sara Bernstein, VP of Doc programming watch guns and now Sheila Nevins will sit in on the meeting. He said it just got very real and not to talk to anyone about it. Just an update!!!!



My dad responded with a simple: “Wow. Wow. Wow.”

The game was on. I prepped for days on the Dark Web concept and wrote up a ten-page treatment. I tapped a cybersecurity friend for a once-over to make sure it held up and then sent it to my dad with a specialized—for his eyes only—Google doc. I asked for his edits, though I really just wanted an “attagirl.” Instead he asked me to give him a call.

“Dolly, you need to not stress over the language and structure of a document and instead focus on story. What is the human element for this? Why does it need to be made?”

I knew what he said made sense, but it was so much easier to control this document versus what existed between the lines. It wasn’t the text that mattered, it was the story. He also advised having some backup stories to pitch. I had to scramble. I had only six hours to come up with some other ideas. He told me to think about stories that interested me, to focus on what I genuinely wanted to learn about. Check Reddit and Gawker, he suggested.

The two or three hours of research that I normally did before a meeting had morphed into a straight seven days. I had one shot. The more research the better.

The morning of the meeting I woke up at six o’clock and took a quick shower. I looked through my closet for an outfit that made me look the least chubby and most mature. A leather skirt and a button-up black sleeveless blouse. Tights of course—I always had trouble sitting like a lady—and combat boots. No heels for me. I needed to be in fight mode.

I arrived early at the diner outside Sheila’s apartment building, where Andrew and I had agreed to meet before heading up to Sheila’s. In an attempt to calm my nerves and appear casual, I ordered chocolate fudge cake and strong coffee. Andrew came in ten minutes later totally relaxed. If he was nervous, he didn’t look it. Then again, why would he be? He had done this many times before. I paid the check and we headed across the street.

We took the elevator to a floor in the double digits. I checked the selfie option in my phone to see if I had any remaining chocolate in my teeth. Andrew eyed me curiously but said nothing.

When we entered the apartment Sheila was floating around in an oversized black wrap with matching soft black pants. She wore flats, and her silver bob was impeccably coiffed with a brown swish.

“So we have a proposal for you,” Andrew started. “Erin has been thick into research about the Dark Web.” He looked at me; it was my turn to take the floor. I opened my mouth and heard the words coming out. “I worked on a film about a man that 3D-printed weapons, named Cody Wilson, for VICE. The film resonated with the Web and I kept in contact. He told me he had a line in on an elusive character, Ross, who was currently sitting in a federal prison, waiting on trial.”