All That You Leave Behind: A Memoir(31)

I didn’t swear or name-call but tried to speak honestly. I was fired for my own behavior (breaking the camera, clashing with management) but also because they couldn’t figure out how to work with me. I also knew it was a dicey start-up situation, one where newly hired employees were pitted against aggressive managers who knew little to nothing about the nature of video. I felt livid toward the company and my boss, but mostly toward myself for screwing up such an incredible opportunity so quickly. My former boss at VICE, the one who’d doubted my abilities, turned out to be right. I was a failure.

They responded and agreed to the severance. The last line of the email my now-former boss sent read, “I know you will do great things, sorry it won’t be here.”

I felt a semblance of relief, though it didn’t last long. I woke up the next day with nowhere to go. I wasn’t hungover, but I could definitely have eaten a whole pizza for breakfast. Humiliation ensued when I saw that my work email had been deactivated. There were only three emails in my personal email account, including this one.


To: Erin Lee Carr

From: David Carr

Date: 09/25/2013

Subject: honey





so, so sorry for the kick in the teeth. fucking hurts I know.

I am and have been so proud of you. you are smart, standup, tough and true.

this is ugly, but we have walked through plenty of ugly in our lives and we are still nascent, still rising.

I too, have confronted people who disregarded me, who underestimated, who wooed me and then screwed me. and they were all wrong.

there is a reason it had to be like this that won’t be clear for a long time to come.

please know that you have my support—economically and emotionally—we will row together across this lake of shit and land on firm, welcome shores. I just know it.

I so love you and so sad you are hurting. you are a good person, a hard worker and a good journalist.

david





17


    Sometimes You Get Both Barrels





When I was thirteen, seeking my dad’s praise, I sat next to him each and every morning and labored to read the paper. I knew to opt for the Daily News versus The Wall Street Journal, so it wasn’t that much of a struggle. I wanted to be just like him. And he wanted his mentee to be like the mentor. This, however, became less cute when I developed his biting, judgmental side and an inclination to remark on things I knew very little about. We were at odds when my character defects—quite similar to his own, really—began to manifest themselves in small and big ways.

The defects came to a head when I lost a job for the first time. My dad was in my corner, but that didn’t stop him from being terribly disappointed at how it had all turned out. At VICE, I’d been doing work that he and I were both proud of. Now I was just another unemployed kid living in Brooklyn. But if he was nervous, he didn’t show it. I got the severance we asked for and I thought a quick sojourn to our family cabin would be just the right medicine for the gut punch I’d received. I brought my good friend and partial-kissing-bud Derek and hit the road without asking Dad or Jill for permission beforehand.

I called them from the highway to ask where to find the key and how to open the place up. My dad went completely ballistic, yelling that I was selfish and an idiot, among other unkind things. Later, his former co-workers mentioned that my dad was no stranger to fits of anger and/or screaming. I feel like he tried to be less so with his children, but every now and then this deep rage would unleash itself.

I wondered if he was upset because he knew that some of my own poor behavior had led to my firing, and whether this cabin fight was just his displaced disappointment in me. I knew by this time that his mentorship yielded important results but his expectations of me, his kid, were far too high to be fair or even attainable. He wanted to change media, and he expected that if he put enough time into me I would be able to do the same. When I couldn’t reach those goals, he yelled at me or, worse, ignored me. It wouldn’t last for long, but it stung.

As soon as he started swearing on the phone, I told him I had to go. I couldn’t take the verbal abuse after the week I’d had.

The next day I continued to feel panicky. I couldn’t stand being in conflict with him. I needed him. I sent him an email to clear the air.


To: David Carr

From: Erin Lee Carr

Date: 10/11/2013

Subject: A couple of thoughts





Dad,

First I want to start off by saying that our relationship is deeply important to me. I care about you and am so grateful for the time, energy and knowledge you have bestowed upon me. That’s why moments like last night greatly distress me. I will own up to the fact that I fucked up. I should have emailed or called in advance, like an adult, and asked permission to use the cabin and for details on how to properly open and close it. I did not do that. And for that I am sorry. But then we started arguing, you raised your voice and swore at me. I do not believe my behavior warranted that. You said that I am a bad friend and daughter, that I have my head up my ass. Instead of talking about the issue at hand, we went on to discuss my character failings within the family. I know that I have always been the “selfish” child, a moniker that I used to deserve. The argument we had last night made me feel so small and powerless, I know that you do not love me any less, but it sincerely broke me down in a way where I am already feeling so broken and like a failure. I would hope that you remember that I am human, that I am trying and that I love the family that I am part of. Jill told me that she is “marking this down,” I hope that you guys have marked down the ways I have helped the family in addition to the ways I’ve let you down. I am sorry I couldn’t speak to you on the phone about this. I, like other members of our family am better with written words.