All That You Leave Behind: A Memoir(33)

what is beautiful on your television is not what is beautiful online. authenticity and verisimilitude are beautiful, not good hair and big heads.

the intimacy of the medium often requires more intimate, less distant shooting. we want to be near, we want to almost be in the picture.

you are not an intrinsically interesting subject. journalism, and that’s what it is, requires you to leave your place of work or residence, go out and find more interesting than you and then come back and tell your audience about this person, place or thing.

hope this helps

david





18


    Gut Check



“So gut checks all around and plans need to be thought through and considered. The most important thing is a look inside. What do you want and how bad do you want it?”



My dad wasn’t the only person who had to deal with my joblessness angst. I spoke in equal measure to my twin, who had her own challenging job at a mental health facility in Detroit. While she didn’t have media-centric advice to offer, she did keep me positive and cheerfully reminded me that things were going to work out.

My dad did not mentor Meagan in the same way as he did me. He was softer with her, gentler. When they talked, they spoke about their internal lives and how they felt. They had a closeness that wasn’t performance-based.

While I often felt like a burden to my dad, with all of my SOS emails, my sister Madeline kept more to herself, letting my dad in only in certain moments. I think she was his favorite. Madeline, nicknamed Maddie, was quiet, thoughtful, and the queen of the one-liner. She didn’t feel the need to prove herself to him, and that was a strategy that seemed to work.

I wasn’t feeling particularly industrious on those nights following my firing. My brain, my perpetual worst enemy, kept reminding me what that VICE exec had said, that I was going to fail. He was right, I grudgingly had to admit, but would this failure dictate the rest of my career? Would I let some asshole continue to be right? No. I set out to find the next gig.

I asked my dad if I could come home and strategize with him. This was after our cabin fight, and we were having our issues. He was stern in his response: “Never ask to come home, just do it and let me know when so I can make time.” I hopped on my least favorite mode of transportation—the bus—and made my way back to Jersey. He was outside on a work call, smoking his way through a pack of Camel Lights and tapping madly on the VAIO laptop he carried everywhere with him. I waved hello. He motioned for a kiss on the cheek. He raised his hand to signify he would need five minutes.

I set up camp in the kitchen, on the giant oak table that took up most of the room. I had already started surveying the cluttered media ecosystem and drafting up a list of people to reach out to for gigs.

He came in, wearing his headset, smelling mostly of cigs but also of coffee.

“So what can you tell me?” he started.

“I wrote up a list of people/places/things. I would love your feedback…if you have time,” I trailed off nervously.

“Honey, I always have time for you,” he countered in his typical fashion.

“Okay, here it is.” I handed over my laptop, which was run-down and chugging loudly.

He took in the list. “Well, you are going to need more places than this. Let’s cast a wider net.”

My list was The Guardian, Al Jazeera, CNN, Mic, and my personal favorite, Frontline. “Put Chris Peacock on there, and David Carey and Andrew Rossi.”

I dutifully complied and sent the inquiries out into the universe with no introduction from my dad. I needed to start the dialogue on my own. One email would prove to be particularly important.


Hi Andrew,

Congrats on Ivory Tower! I wanted to get your insight on a professional matter. I started work at a new company four months ago, leaving the red-hot VICE for new challenges and reasonable pay. Unfortunately, I situated myself at an organization that had no room for me. I saved some money up and told them it wasn’t working. I am now searching for a better fit where I can continue to make good videos.

The business of documentary filmmaking is a tricky and constantly evolving entity. I am looking for my next gig at a media company but I also wanted to try and seek your advice on the matter. I know you are beyond swamped, but if you have any time in the coming weeks I would love to get a coffee with you and chat. I can come to you etc and will be as brief as needed. Thank you for any attention.



A couple of hours later I received a response:


Ugh, that sounds like a frustrating course of events. But maybe it will create the opportunity to strike out on your own and direct your first feature? Lets get lunch, maybe next week on Wed or Thurs? I’m in Williamsburg….



I was surprised by his quick response, and I wondered if it was because of his relationship with my dad. Andrew had spent some serious time with him, filming him over the course of a year for his critically acclaimed film Page One: Inside the New York Times. My eyes zeroed in on his line about making a first feature. I wasn’t anywhere close to being able to finance that kind of thing. I needed a job and money coming in, and health insurance. Yet something about the optimism and casualness of the response made me feel excited about the meeting.

Andrew met me at a trendy Williamsburg restaurant. I started filling him in about my work life, keeping the details about my “leaving” my job sparse. I eventually launched into my plan of attack.