Wild Horses (Sadie's Montana #1)(44)

“Well, she needs to shape up,” Leah snorted.

“And, then, here I am, leg in cast…,” Sadie began.

“You’re going to get fat.”

“Another slice of toast! Did you guys eat all that bacon?”

“Well, you’re not getting more.”

“I’m not fat!” Sadie finally said, quite forcefully.

“You will be. You don’t do a thing.”

Sadie threw a spoon, Leah ducked, and Rebekah squealed.

“Watch it!”

They were all laughing when Mam emerged from the bedroom down the hallway. Her mouth was twitching as she talked to herself in hurried tones, her voice rising and falling. Her hair was unwashed, greasy even, and she had lost enough weight to make her face appear sallow and a bit sunken. She walked into the kitchen as if in a dream, her eyes glazed and unseeing as she continued the serious conversation.

Sadie felt a stab of impatience, then guilt. Poor Mam. After the initial shock of accepting their Mam as less than perfect—realizing she was unwell, depressed, whatever a doctor would call it—the girls had all decided to do their best, especially if Dat was too stubborn to do anything.

“Mind bother” was not something anyone wanted in their family. It was whispered about, secretly talked of in low tones. It was discussed in close circles, a never-ceasing debate. Was it always chemical? An imbalance? Or had the person done it to herself by refusing to bend her will, living in frustration all her days? Who knew? In any case, it was looked on as a shameful thing. It was a despised subject.

Sadie had spent a few sleepless nights mulling over the subject. She read everything she could get her hands on. She even asked a friend, Marta Clancy, the owner of the small drugstore in town, to print information from her computer at home.

Old myths about “mind bother,” suicide, and other unexplainable troubles were like a wedge in Sadie’s mind. Prescription drugs probably wouldn’t make a difference if it was a spiritual problem, so it had to be a chemical imbalance. So what unbalanced the chemicals? And round and round went Sadie’s troubled thoughts and her frustrations.

She could never fully settle the matter within herself, so she decided it was not something she could figure out on her own. She would have to let all that up to the Almighty God who created human beings and knew everything, right up to each tiny molecule and cell and atom.

But why must we live this way?

Mam could be so normal. When Sadie was hurt and Mam forgot herself, thinking only of Sadie, she almost seemed like the Mam of old. But now that Sadie was recuperating, Mam was worse than ever, and this morning it was annoying.

Sadie ricocheted off walls of impatience, battling to keep her voice low and well-modulated. She felt like shaking some sense into Mam, then quickly realized how hard and uncaring she was being. Mental illness, depression, whatever you called it, was like a leech. It just sucked the vitality out of your life.

It was almost Christmas, and Sadie was determined to make it as normal as possible, especially for Reuben. But always, always, Mam and her condition were in the background.

Ignoring Mam, Sadie turned to Leah.

“Okay, Miss Leah. ‘Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat…’”

Rebekah chimed in, and they sang together.

“‘Please put a penny in the old man’s hat.’”

Sadie glanced at Mam, who was smiling.

“It is Christmas, isn’t it?” she said, her voice like gravel.

“What’s wrong with your voice, Mam? Does your throat hurt?” Sadie asked, concerned about the roughness, the rawness in her mother’s words.

“A bit, yes. I should have dressed warmer last night. I was out walking.” She shook her head from side to side. “I just wish I could get a good night’s sleep. Maybe the voices in my head would stop.”

Rebekah turned, stood by her mother, and said gently, “Mam, won’t you go to a doctor if we take you? Dat doesn’t need to know. The doctor could give you a correct diagnosis, give you the proper medication, and soon you would feel so much better.”

“No! Drugs are bad for us!”

She turned her back, opened the cupboard door, and proceeded to take down the many bottles of vitamins and minerals she so urgently depended on. She insisted they were what sustained her.

A determination, a sort of desperation, expanded in Sadie’s chest.

All right. If this was how it was going to be, then they would rise above it. Like a hot air balloon in a cloudless sky, they would soar. They would have Christmas, and they would have a good Christmas in spite of the many obstacles set in their way. There was the accident, the thousands of dollars in hospital and medical bills that needed to be paid, and Mam’s ever-worsening condition, but no matter, they would figure out a way to have a happy Christmas.

“Rebekah, let’s make a list of gifts we want to buy. Then we can talk to Dat and arrange to go shopping today. We’ll see how much money we can have, then shop accordingly, okay?

“Sure thing,” Rebekah chirped, sliding down the bench toward her.

“First, Reuben and Anna.”

Immediately, they were faced with a huge decision. Reuben was 10 years old. He was too old for most toys and too young for serious guns and hunting things. He had a bike, two BB guns, and a pellet gun, but no hunting knives.

“Not a knife,” Sadie said. “It’s too dangerous.”