When the Heart Falls(159)

"A letter?"

"From Pete. I'm sorry I kept it from you."

"Don't be. I won't read it." His mask is back on, but now I know what’s underneath. Now I can be the son he needs me to be, not the son he thinks he wants.

"You must."

"No. He hated me."

"He loved you."

I push the letter into his hand, and he opens it, then collapses to his knees. I kneel by his side, hand still on his shoulder so he knows he’s not alone. As he reads it, I remember the words, and we both mourn again for the man we lost that day. When he gets to the last line he looks up at me, eyes weeping. "Why didn't you call your mother? Why'd you go in his room?"

I fight my own tears. "I didn't read the letter when I found it. I was looking for Peter."

"Did you see him do it? You told me—"

I hold up my free hand to stop him from going down that rabbit hole. "I never lied. He'd already shot himself. That's what woke me." I clear my throat. "I never knew he had AIDS."

"He asked us not to tell."

"I know.”

My dad looks at me and says two words he’s never said to me before. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

He grips my hand on his shoulder. "Please stay.”

"I can't."

"Please, I can't lose you, too." He’s a desperate man, crushed by his own mistakes.

"You're not. I love you, Dad. I love you." And I do. I can feel it now, and I can say it without irony. I love him. And I also know that I’m making the right choice.

I hug my father for the first time in years. He grips me hard, but I pull away and stand to leave.

He grabs my sleeve, looking so lost and miserable. "If you leave, I can't forgive you."

"That's okay.” And then I say the words I’ve never been able to say to him before, but I finally can now. "I forgive you."

His grip loosens, and I walk away. The Savage curse is broken.





WINTER DEVEAUX

CHAPTER 35





I NEVER REALIZED how good Cade was at making architecture interesting until I had to listen to this tour guide go on and on about Notre Dame. They really hired the wrong person for this job, because I’m pretty sure this guy could make sex sound like the worst chore imaginable.

When we make it to the bell towers, the highlight of the tour, my heart cracks, just like the bell. Our group moves on, but Jenifer and I stay behind, staring at the gargoyles and chimera. I tell her what Cade told me about Notre Dame and the architecture.

“You miss him a lot?”

I nod. “He was supposed to be here. He was looking forward to this tour more than anything.”

She leans in next to me. “Look at it this way. He was spared the tour guide from hell. This tour might have been enough to get him to give up architecture forever.”

I laugh through unshed tears. “True. And that would be a real tragedy. He’s a genius.”

“You want to catch up with the group?” She turns to go back downstairs.

“Not yet. I’m going to hang here for a bit. I’ll catch up to you all later.”

“Okay.” She spares one look back at me before she disappears, and I’m left alone. The view isn’t as startling as the Eiffel Tower, but being in Notre Dame feels more sacred, more momentous. At least it would if Cade were with me.

I check my phone again. Nothing. He’s been gone a few days now, almost a week, and I haven’t heard a word. I know he’s got a lot of stuff going on with his family, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s also out of sight, out of mind. He was never convinced we could make it work long distance. Have I lost him already and I don’t even know it?

The thought sends so much grief crashing into me that I clutch the safety rail for stability. My mind wanders through Paris, reliving all the romantic, funny and sweet moments Cade and I have shared here. Our first kiss on the Eiffel Tower, the demolition of artifacts at the Louvre, days spent walking the gardens, talking about art and architecture and writing and books and life. We may not have been together long, but without him there’s a hole in me that refuses to heal.

I feel someone behind me and it pulls me out of my thoughts. For an instant I think it’s Cade, always my thoughts go to Cade, and always I’m wrong.

"Hey, babe, what's the matter?"

I turn to face Rodney. If my reaction to Rocco was bad, this is worse. My heart skitters in my chest, my stomach drops. I struggle to breathe. "Nothing." I position myself to move past him. "I have to get back to the group."

He advances on me, and I back away until I hit the safety rail.

Taking advantage of the limited space, he presses against my body, arms holding the rail on either side of me so I can’t get out. "Come on, babe, tell me what's wrong. Let me cheer you up."

I lick my lips to muster some moisture in my dry mouth. "Get away.”

He shakes his head and clicks his tongue. "So rude. I'm just trying to help."

I’m shaking, I can’t help it, and I know it turns him on. "I don't need any help."

"Of course you do.” He pushes closer to me, and I gag on the scent of him, the smell that haunts my nightmares. “Listen, how about we ditch all these losers and go somewhere more private?"