When the Heart Falls(155)

No, that’s not true. I think of Winter, of her smile, her eyes, her arms wrapped around me, and I know where home is. It’s wherever she is, and right now she is too far away. My heart has escaped my body and is walking Paris without me.

My mom rushes me the moment we walk into the house. “Cade, my boy. You made it.” Tears are streaming down her face, and I can tell they aren’t the first to fall from her red, swollen eyes.

Guilt tugs at my heart that she’s had to go through this alone for two days while my dad wasted precious time finding me. “I’m sorry, Mom. So sorry. Is he—”

She wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her dress. “He’s still with us. He’s been asking for you.”

I leave my parents in the living room and head to Stevie’s room. Doc Maloney, our family physician since my dad was a boy, walks out the door. His white hair is a wild mass on his head, his hand carved in lifelines as he grips my arm and embraces me. “Cade, I’m glad you’re here.”

“How is he, Doc?”

“He improved; his pulse is stronger. I think he’s doing better, but… ”

“But?”

“I’ve seen this before. Patients show a last spike of strength while they wait for someone they love to say their goodbyes. I explained this to your parents, but they want to believe he’ll recover.”

My heart drops as his words sink in. “He’s just holding on for me.”

Doc’s eyes are full of tears. He delivered all of us; this pain is real for him, too. “I think so, though of course I can’t be sure. Miracles do happen.”

His voice doesn’t hold hope of a miracle, and I brace myself for the worst as I walk through the door to greet Stevie.

The husk of my brother lies in the bed, his body so emaciated I barely recognize him. I stifle a sob and sit in the chair next to his bed, reaching for his hand, careful not to pull any of the IVs hooked into him. “Hey, Stevie.”

His eyes open, head turning to look at me as he croaks a response.

“How you doing, buddy? Doc treating you okay? Giving you some good drugs for the pain?”

Stevie’s lip twitches into a frown, but I can’t interpret what that means.

“I’m back now, buddy. I’m sorry I left you for so long, but I’m back. I’m here.” I want to tell him to hang on, to stay here for me, for my family, but looking at him now, I know I can’t. If you love someone, you can’t hold on to them so tightly that you destroy them. Isn’t that what Dad’s been doing to all of us? I can’t do that to him. “I wish you could have come to Paris with me. Remember that day when you called me and I was on the Eiffel Tower?”

He jerks his head, and I think he remembers. I like to believe he does. I reach into my pocket and pull out something. “I took a picture for you. Just like I promised."

I hold it in front of his face so he can see it. It’s a picture I took of Winter overlooking Paris. "This is what it looks like from up there. You can see all sorts of places. The Arch de Triomphe, the Iéna Bridge.” Stevie shoves his hand at the picture and grunts. I smile. “That’s Winter. She’s really special. I know she’d love you. I hope you can meet her someday. I want to show you all of these places, too." My voice cracks as a tear slides down his face. I can’t be selfish with him. Not with him. He’s staring into me with his eyes, too big for his face, and I know what he’s asking, what he needs from me. I just don’t know if I have the strength to give it to him. But I have to, because this is what it means to love selflessly.

“But you know what?” I put the picture down on a side table beside Stevie so he can see it always. "I feel like we're there already. And it's beautiful Stevie, just like you said it'd be. It's beautiful. I carried you with me all those places, and I’ll carry you with me forever."

Now tears are streaming down my face as I dig deeper for the courage to say what he needs to hear. My parents will never forgive me, but I’m doing this for him, not them. Not me. Him. “It’s okay, Stevie. I know. I know this body is too weak to hold you anymore. You’re too strong, too big for this world. We’ll be okay. I’ll take care of Mom and Dad. So, little brother… ” my voice falters, but I force myself to finish, “if you need to go, if you need to leave now, it’s okay. Find Pete, he’ll take good care of you.”

Stevie’s face shines with an inner light I’ve never seen in him, his crippled face smiles and, with the picture of Paris on one side, and me on the other holding his hand, he closes his eyes.

And he dies.





CADE SAVAGE





CHAPTER 31





FOR TWO DAYS I live in a house haunted by both of my dead brothers. I feel them everywhere, and the silence of their voices screams in my soul. My mother grieves with huge sobs that sound like they will escape her body and crush us all. My father grieves with icy silence and cutting jabs at those around him. He becomes a weapon, inflicting pain on anyone who dares come near him.

I retreat with my grief, shutting down. If Winter were here I’d open up to her, but I can’t do that over the phone, with distance delaying each word, and static cutting into our thoughts. So I have no one.

The day of the funeral, my father and I look too much alike with our suits, our straight backs and hard faces hiding our emotions. My mother clings to him, her cheek splotched in red, her pain evident on every line of her face. She’s aged since I got here. Stevie’s death stole life from her.