When the Heart Falls(156)

Most of the town has shown up for the graveside goodbyes, though few knew Stevie well at all since the accident. Our family name is enough to draw a crowd, that and our family curse of losing the young men to death. Eyes avoid mine, but I can read their thoughts on their faces. They’re wondering if I’ll be next. If the Savage curse will claim all three promising boys.

Our pastor says words meant to be comforting, but I can’t think. I’m focused on the coffin in the ground, waiting for dirt to cover it. My little brother is in there, just a few feet from where my big brother lays buried. I’ll never see Stevie again. Never talk to him or see his eyes light up when his favorite show comes on. We lost him once to the accident that claimed the use of his body. And now we’ve lost him again.

It’s too much, and I wonder why God, if there is a God, didn’t take him the first time. Why did he have to suffer all these years just to die now?

A few close friends of the family, including Doc, take turns speaking about Stevie, his love of life, the spark in him that could never be destroyed. I want to say something, to testify about his life, about the impact he had on me, but my words are stuck.

Instead my dad speaks up, and the sound of his voice burns like acid.

“Stevie is our youngest boy, the baby of the family. It’s cruel for a parent to ever outlive their child, especially cruel to outlive two of their sons, and Stevie will especially be missed.” Despite the sadness evident on my dad’s face as he speaks, his words anger me. He will be ‘especially’ missed? Was Pete not missed because you couldn’t love him through your hatred, Dad?

But he doesn’t hear my thoughts, and he keeps talking, about our family, about my mother and the joy Stevie was to her when he was born, the miracle baby they thought they couldn’t have. “And now we are left with Cade, who has been the rock in our family for so long, keeping Stevie strong, keeping Stevie alive, keeping our family name and business running. When Cade left, something in Stevie died. And when I had to fly to Paris to get my son who couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the phone, I lost my last chance to say goodbye to my boy.”

A few people gasp at the angry words my father is spewing. Some look at me in sympathy, others shuffle uncomfortably as they look to the pastor for guidance on how to handle this inappropriate turn of events. All of this is happening in a bubble outside of me. Inside, I’m seething with rage as Dad takes dig after dig at me, while my brother lays in the ground, dead.

I stand and face my dad, who falls silent as I glare at him. “You want to control everyone in your life so much that you crush us all," I say. "I didn’t kill Stevie, I left to live my own life. That’s what children are supposed to do when they become adults. But you’re not okay with that, are you? You can’t bear to have any children who have minds and lives of their own. That’s why you hated Pete, because he lived his own life, because it didn’t mesh with your idea of what he should be. Pete killed himself because of you, Father. He was gay and you hated him for it, made his life so miserable, such hell, that death was better than living as your son. I can understand why you’re grieving for Stevie. It must have been such a relief when you crashed that car and destroyed the body of your youngest son, because then he’d never grow up and live his own life. He’d be your baby forever, bound to you no matter what. What a shame you lost the only son you ever loved because he couldn’t do a damn thing for himself and so would never leave. You must be so disappointed.”

Dad’s eyes burn with rage. People are holding their breath to see what happens next. Dad walks up to me, fist clenched. “Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”

The pastor rises, trying to calm us both, but it’s too late. I step forward, my own fists ready for a fight. “Go ahead, Dad. I’m not a kid anymore. You want to hit me because I won’t become your carbon copy? Do it. You’ve followed Grandpa’s footsteps this far in life, might as well take it full circle.”

That deflates him, and instead of hitting me he turns on his heels and storms off into the cemetery.

I sink to my knees, tears falling from my eyes. “I’m sorry Stevie. I’m sorry you ever had to be born into our f*cked up family.”





CADE SAVAGE





CHAPTER 32





THE SETTING SUN warms my back as a gentle wind takes the sting of heat away. Biscuit whinnies at me and leans her head down to scoop up a sugar square from my hand. She’s the only one I can stand to be around right now, after the most miserable excuse for a funeral I can imagine. My hand shakes as her soft lips brush it for another treat.

“What’s bothering you, kid?” My dad’s voice haunts my memories, asking me the same question over and over. This time I know the answer.

You, Father. You’ve been the problem all along. I smirk, but the temporary satisfaction deflates into knots in my stomach.

I pat Biscuit’s nose and sit down on a log by her stable. The letter is burning a hole in my pocket, so I pull it out and stare at it. Goodbye is written on the front in Pete’s messy scrawl. I slide my hand over it, trying to feel his essence through the blotches of ink. I don't care what you say. I killed you. I didn't tell Dad to stop tormenting you. And so I killed you.

I clutch the letter, twisting it. I want to rip it up, destroy it and never think about it again.