When the Heart Falls(123)

"You're crazy," he says, but not with conviction. I'm getting to him.

I sniff the air again. "He's angry at you. Angry for leaving. And you… " A few more sniffs. I can tell Cade is trying not to laugh at my antics, but he's also shocked that I'm right. "You feel guilty. What do you feel guilty about?"

All the humor leaves his face and it turns to stone. "Let's just study."

I should stop. I know he doesn't want to talk about this, but we're real friends now and he needs to stop hiding, so I drop the rat act and look him in the eyes, face serious and, I hope, empathetic. "You have a younger sibling. A brother, probably. He looks up to you. You feel guilty for leaving him."

"How do you know that?"

I shrug. I can't tell him the full truth, that his moods have become a part of me, that I'd never act this way with anyone else, but I feel safe with him, like I know him. That I can see into his soul, see his pain, and I would give anything to heal him. "You're very protective. You helped me on the plane, and later when Rodney stepped on my hand. You've always been looking out for someone."

His lips twitch up into a flirty smile. "Maybe I just think you're pretty?"

Heat rushes to my face with his unexpected compliment. Instead of acknowledging his words, I deflect. "Don't try to psychoanalyze the situation, please. Leave that to the professionals."

At least the tension between us is broken as he shifts subjects. "Well, now that you know everything about my family, what about you? How's your family doing?"

"Great. My sister might actually visit me here. I can't wait for you to meet her. She's an archaeologist."

We're staring at each other, and I'm so lost in his eyes that I have to physically stop myself from leaning forward and kissing him.

His hand grazes mine, sliding down my fingers. "How do you do it?" he asks. "Get along with so many people? I see you with Jenifer, how badly she's hurt you and still you're her friend."

We're not talking about my friends and family, but I give him the answer I think he needs. "You forgive them, and you give them a chance to change."

"What if they don't?"

I lift my finger and cover his with it, our hands intertwining while we pretend to ignore it. "You adjust your expectations. I love my sister, Summer, but we never talk about writing. It bores her to death, and that's okay. We talk about something else. I talk about writing with my cousin. There comes a point where you have to accept that people are doing the best they can with what they have, and you have to learn to be okay with it."

"What if I can't?"

"You work harder at it." I pull our linked hands into the air, forcing us to acknowledge that we're touching. "What do you want from your father?"

He looks down at our hands, tightening his around mine as he scoots closer to me. He's fighting his own vulnerability, but when he looks up his eyes are moist. "Acceptance. I want him to accept me as I am, to love me for who I am and not who he wants me to be."

How could anyone not love this man? How could any parent not be proud of what he's accomplished? Of his brilliance and kindness and integrity.

"How do I make him accept me?" His question cuts at my heart. "Can you sniff out the answer to that?"

I wish I could give him an answer that will make him feel better, but I can only give him the truth as I see it. "You don't make him. You can't. You have to accept your relationship as it is. Otherwise… "

"What?"

My heart breaks with his. "Otherwise, you have to end the relationship."

His tears don't fall, but I know the pain is deep. How do you choose between being in a relationship with a father who despises you, or ending that relationship and likely cutting yourself off from your whole family?

Our food arrives, and the spell is broken. He lets go of my hands, which are now cold and lonely, and clears the table of our books. We eat in silence, neither of us sure what to say. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, or served him platitudes he wanted to hear, but I can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to him or his relationship with his father. A fear seizes me. What if he cancels our tutoring sessions after this and I lose my best friend?

Instead, he sips his soda and smiles at me. "So, what was that about an escort business?"

I nearly choke on a steamed vegetable. "We're not going into that."

He raises his hands in mock innocence. "Hey, you brought it up. Now it's time to spill the beans."

I groan. "Okay. Fine. For my first days of high school, Autumn insisted on picking out my wardrobe. I won't go into the details of what I wore that first week, but let's just say the Pope would have had a heart attack if I walked by. As you can imagine, I drew a lot of attention, especially from the male and lesbian population. Some of the bi-sexual too, but that's a different story. Later that week, my parents got a phone call from my history teacher. He said he was worried about his students' ability to focus with me in the classroom. My dad asked if the teacher wasn't simply worried about his ability to focus in the classroom with me there."

Cade laughs at that, and it feels good to see him smiling again.

"That led to a meeting with the principal. In the end, my parents conceded that though I looked great and could have had a promising career as a high end escort, I had to stop letting Autumn pick out my wardrobe."