Vicious Carousel (Suncoast Society #25)(49)

Including her power to choose who she wanted to be with.

But she wouldn’t mire herself in a live-in relationship again yet. Not until she’d been on her own first. And she’d already called Kel and talked to him about what it would take to rent the apartment. She could afford it.

With Jack safely in jail, her safety wasn’t an issue anymore.

That Saturday, her friends hadn’t planned her schedule for her. The men were eating breakfast when she got up and walked out to join them.

“Are you going to Venture tonight?” she asked.

They shared a glance, but nodded. “Yeah,” Nolan said. “Want to come with us?”

She took a deep breath. “Yes. But I want to play.”





Kenny felt a cold ball of fear rolling around in his gut. “Play with who?” he asked.

She frowned as if she didn’t understand his question at first. “You guys,” she finally said. “I mean…” Her face turned pink with embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” she softly said. “I thought maybe—”

“Yes,” he quickly said, feeling like an idiot. “Sorry. For a minute there, I thought you meant you wanted to play with someone else.”

From the sound of the relieved breath Nolan exhaled, he felt a little better that he hadn’t been alone in his initial confusion.

“No way in hell would I play with anyone but you two,” she said. “I’m going car shopping next week after work with Mom. So that’s getting done.” She rested her hands on the table. “And I’ve talked to Kel about renting the apartment from him.”

The cold ball of fear returned. “Why?”

She met his gaze. “One of our rules is not lying to each other, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I care for you both. A lot. And not just as friends. More. But I know that I need to stand on my own two feet again. I’m at the point now where I want to reclaim all of my life. My ability to choose. If you both want to, I want to be play partners with you. And…more.”

“More?” He and Nolan asked in unison.

“More.” She looked to Nolan, then back to him. “If you guys want to.”

He reached across the table and clasped her hand. “You don’t have to move out to have us as play partners, or more than play partners.”

“I know I don’t have to. But I need to. I know it might sound illogical. And if I tell Tilly my plan and she tells me I’m wrong, then yeah, I’ll rethink it. Two months ago, I thought I was stuck in hell with no hope of escaping. I feel like that was all some horrible nightmare that if I close my eyes long enough, it’ll turn out that’s all it was. And that’s good and it’s bad.”

Nolan had slipped his fingers around her other hand as she talked, but he didn’t interrupt her either.

“It’s good, because it means I’m not stuck there anymore. It’s bad, because it would be too easy to forget how bad it was, or what got me there in the first place. I can’t let that happen. I also don’t want to get stuck in a snug little rut here, not taking chances, but not able to really take the next step.”

He knew he’d always fall prisoner to her blue eyes, different, lighter in shade than Nolan’s and just as gorgeous.

“I would like to get myself to the point where I can one day look you both in the eyes and say I feel ready to be a slave again. Right now, I can’t honestly tell you guys that. Bottoming, yes. Hell, I miss a good play session with someone I trust. But if I haven’t been reading you guys wrong, and you’re both attracted to me, too, then the only way I can make sure I’m going to be giving you the best me I can, the healthiest me I can, is to be on my own again for a while. And while I do that, the three of us can figure out where to go from there. Together.”

She squeezed their hands.

“What if you want to date someone else?” Kenny asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“That’s just the point—I don’t want to date anyone else. I want to date you two. I trust you guys. So if we’re ever going to see what might be possible, that can’t happen unless I’m moving on and moving forward.”





She hoped she wasn’t making a mess of things. In her brain, it had sounded logical.

From the unhappy looks on their faces, though, she could tell they weren’t pleased.

“So you want us to get closer…by moving out?” Nolan asked.

Okay, not so much. “Look at it this way,” she tried again. “Not permanently. I might rent Kel’s for a few months and then decide no, I don’t want to be away from you guys. But I can’t figure that out unless I see. I need this time. I love you both, and…”

She realized what she’d said when the men’s heads snapped up, their eyes on her.

“Love-love?” Kenny asked.

“Honesty, right?”

“Yeah,” Nolan said, sounding hoarse. “Honesty.”

“I need to move out because I’m in love with you both and I need to make sure I’m in love with you because that’s how I really feel, or because of the situation. If I move out and still feel the same about you two—or stronger—then I’ll know it’s real and we can talk about what’s next.”