Uniting the Souls (Souls of Chicago #6)(62)

I climbed out of bed and made my way to the stairs on wobbly legs. I peered down over the railing and my heart ached at what I saw. Hudson was standing near the balcony doors, his arms wrapped around Matt as he rocked him gently back and forth.

“When we found him lying there, unconscious on the bathroom floor, I felt so hopeless, Hudson. I love him and it’s killing me to see him in pain, but how can we help if he won’t talk to us?” Matt said quietly.

“I know, honey. I want to help him too, but this isn’t something we can force him to do. It has to be his decision or we could end up causing more damage,” Hudson told him.

Guilt slammed into me as I realized how selfish I was being by not putting myself in their shoes. I could only imagine how much it would kill me to see one of them in pain and wanting to help, but having them turn away from me instead. I knew they had heard me crying late at night, but I’d brushed off their questions, telling myself that they might leave me if they knew the truth. I knew in my heart that was a lie though. I knew Matt and Hudson loved me deeply, and I trusted that they would see me through any obstacle.

The truth of the matter was, I was a coward. I had chosen to hide from my past instead of facing it head-on and dealing with it, and when it all came barreling down, I’d not only been hurt by the crushing weight of it, the two people I loved most in the world had also been hurt.

“I’m an asshole.” I hadn’t even realized I’d spoken out loud until both men whipped their heads in my direction.

Seconds later they were racing up the stairs and wrapping themselves around me. I nuzzled my face into Matt’s neck, breathing his familiar scent deep into my lungs. Hudson’s strong chest was pressed against my back and I sighed, cocooned in the warmth and safety of their bodies. That right there was my happy place. The place where the outside world and the demons from my past couldn’t touch me. I’d hidden for long enough though. It was time to get everything out into the open.





“We need to talk,” I told them, forcing myself out of their comforting embrace. They exchanged a look that was both cautious and hopeful at the same time and nodded.

We made our way downstairs and Hudson and I each sat down while Matt ran to the kitchen, bringing me back a bottle of water. I gave him a grateful look as I unscrewed the lid and took a long drink. It felt cool and refreshing on my sore throat. I placed the bottle on the coffee table then sat back, staring down at my hands in my lap.

“I owe you both an apology.” I held my hand up when they looked like they were going to argue. They didn’t look happy, but they allowed me to continue. “I’ve tried so hard over the last several years to forget about my past and for the most part, I was successful. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but what had happened was just too painful to think about, so I didn’t. I hadn’t realized though that I was hurting the two of you by not telling you and allowing you to help, and for that I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Hudson said gently. “Everyone deals with pain in their own way.”

“But you’re not alone anymore. You have both of us and we’ll always be here to listen whenever you’re ready,” Matt added. I gave them a small smile, so thankful to have them in my life.

“I think I’m ready,” I told them. I reached for their hands and clasped them in my own, folding them in my lap then I took a deep breath.

“My story is very similar to the one the boys told today.” My eyes widened suddenly and I turned to Matt. He squeezed my hand.

“They’re being taken care of. Allison finally got them to eat and CPS was on their way to talk to them when we left. I called and told the caseworker that I would take full responsibility for having a child under thirteen at the center and she agreed to let the boys stay there until something can be figured out.” I sagged in relief.

“I’m glad. I feel horrible about what they’ve gone through,” I said.

“You said your story was similar to theirs?” Hudson asked.

“Yes, very much so. I suppose that’s what brought everything rushing back. I can usually separate myself from the kids’ stories; I have to in order to be capable of doing my job, but theirs was just so much like mine that it took me right back to that place and time that I’d fought so hard to forget.” I let go of their hands long enough to grab my water and take another drink, then I reached for them once again and they came willingly.

“My mom died when I was ten years old. She worked at a local clothing store and Dad worked in construction. They got along for the most part, but then there were a few times when I’d wake up to a sound in the middle of the night. I’d lie in bed and hear them arguing. They could get pretty loud and, sometimes, I would hear something that sounded like a slap and then Mom crying. It always scared me because I couldn’t understand what was happening or why they were fighting because they never acted that way in front of us. I used to worry that they’d get a divorce like my friend Toby’s parents. I quickly learned that there were worse things than divorce.” Matt put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards him, kissing the side of my head. I closed my eyes and let him comfort me for a moment before I continued.

“They’d been fighting a lot more than usual, waking me nearly every night with their shouting. One morning, I came down for breakfast and Mom had her arm wrapped in a sling. Her bottom lip was swollen and she looked like she’d been crying. I gave her a hug, but it only made her cry harder. She told me to hurry because the school bus would be there to pick me up soon. I told her I loved her right before I ran out the door. That was the last time I saw her alive.” I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat.