Uniting the Souls (Souls of Chicago #6)(16)
I knew I had no one but myself to blame for the questions I had. If only I’d taken them up on their invitation to join them, I would know exactly what had happened and I wouldn’t have been left wondering. But I hadn’t gone, I’d held back just as I always did. I let out a long sigh and pushed my chair away from my desk, checking the time on my watch. It was getting late and as much as I would’ve liked to call it a day, I convinced myself to stay and get a little more work done instead. First, I needed a cup of coffee though.
I walked out of my office and down the hallway towards the kitchen, but my footsteps slowed when I heard a familiar voice coming from Isaac’s office. The door was ajar and I peered around the corner, holding my breath as I saw Hudson throw his head back, laughing at something Isaac had just said. His laugh was deep and rang out across the room and I found myself smiling at the sound of it.
Feeling weird about spying on my friends, I turned to leave when suddenly the mood between them changed. I felt it as surely as if I’d been standing between them and I found myself unable to move as the air became thick with sexual tension. Hudson placed his large hands on either side of Isaac’s waist as he whispered something that I couldn’t make out and I watched as Isaac’s hands landed on Hudson’s chest, his fingers curling in on the well-developed pectoral muscles.
Hudson smiled down at Isaac and then he lowered his head and let his tongue trace the younger man’s bottom lip. My face felt flushed and my skin stretched too tight as I observed the two of them together. The differences in their height and stature just served to make their passionate embrace even hotter. Hudson towered over Isaac’s slight frame, but instead of appearing overbearing, his posture seemed protective of the smaller man, which had me feeling relieved and turned on all at the same time.
Their kiss became more heated and I followed Hudson’s movements as his hands reached down to cup Isaac’s pert ass. Isaac’s soft whimper had my eyes darting back up to their faces and my heart nearly stopped when I found Hudson’s eyes locked on me. His eyes wandered down over me and I knew the moment he saw the obvious bulge in my pants because his eyes widened slightly. Not breaking their kiss, he lifted his right hand from Isaac’s waist and crooked his index finger at me in a come-hither motion. I knew exactly what kind of invitation he was extending and God help me, I wanted to accept.
That jarring thought was what finally got me to move, but instead of moving towards the two men, I turned on my heel and ran down the hallway. Excitement and guilt battled for space inside my head as I made my way to the stairwell and raced up the steps, not stopping until I reached the top. I flung the door open and stumbled out onto the roof of the building, gasping for air. I bent down and placed my hands on my knees as I willed my heart to quit racing.
After a few moments, I stood and made my way over to the half wall that ran the perimeter of the roof and sat along its edge. I looked up at the night sky, the stars glittering in the distance when I felt a gentle breeze across my face. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard as I tried to make sense of all the emotions that were running through me.
My pulse picked up speed as I pictured the scene I had just witnessed. I’d been surprised at first that I’d wanted to take Hudson up on his invitation, but more surprising was how natural the idea seemed to me the more I thought about it. I’d never considered being with two men at once, but lately that’s all I’d been able to think about and somehow, it made sense when I thought about being with those two men in particular.
Watching the two of them, I’d felt excited and more alive than I’d felt in years. Sure, I’d had occasional hookups, but those were more about the physical act of getting off than forming any real attachment to another person. There were no emotions involved in those situations. I already knew that there was no way I would be able to do anything with the two men downstairs and keep myself completely unattached. They were good men, friends of mine. Besides that, we worked together. I was already more emotionally involved with them than I usually allowed myself to be and that was part of why I’d run. The other part was the guilt I’d been feeling ever since I’d found myself attracted to the two men.
My thoughts turned to Sean, as they always did, and I felt the aching loneliness that often-accompanied thoughts of him. Sean had been my first real friend, my first love, hell, he’d been my first everything. Losing him had been the single hardest thing I’d ever been through. In my head, I knew he wouldn’t want me to be lonely, but it was my heart that struggled with the guilt of moving on, of letting go. Just the thought had the backs of my eyes burning and I reached up, rubbing my hands over them.
Another breeze blew over me, sweeping my hair back off my forehead and drying my eyes. With it came a sense of peace and I breathed in deeply, letting it calm my frayed nerves. The truth of the matter was that I was lonely. I’d been lonely for so long that somewhere along the way, it had become my new normal and I’d clung to it, as if the loneliness itself were my companion.
I was envious of people like Caleb and Carter Greene who had found their soulmates and were living the life that I’d dreamed of having at one time. Sean had taken that dream with him though and so I’d opened Agape House, throwing myself into my work and never letting anyone get too close.
The feelings that Hudson and Isaac had evoked in me scared me at first. It had been so long since I’d really felt anything at all that it had come as a shock to find myself wanting not just one, but two men. It was a reminder that as much as I loved my job and the kids I cared for, it wasn’t enough to hold the loneliness at bay.