Toxic: Logan's Story (Torn #4)(62)

My mom walked into the room and sat down in my old computer chair. “I’m really sorry that you had to go through all of that with both of them. Sometimes, we’re so blinded by love that we don’t really see what’s happening. By the time we do, it’s too late to save ourselves.” She paused, her face clouded with doubt and uncertainty. “I know I’ve never really told you about your father, but maybe now is a good time.”

I gave her a questioning look. “How will that help me?”

She gave me a sad smile. “Maybe it’ll help you, or maybe it won’t. You can decide. Regardless, I think you need to hear it. I know you’ve always had questions about what happened and why we lived our lives the way we did.”

“Yeah, I did, but you never seemed to want to talk about him, so I finally just gave up and left it alone.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for that.” She smiled sadly. “When I was sixteen, I met your father. He was twenty at the time. My parents would have had a fit if they knew I was with him, so we kept our relationship a secret for over a year. Then, you decided to surprise us, and I had to tell them the truth. They were furious with me for messing around with someone so much older and for wanting to keep you. When they realized that they couldn’t change my mind about having an abortion, they kicked me out.

“I moved in with your father, and things were good for a while. Randy always had a drinking problem, but things didn’t get bad until around the time you turned two. I don’t know what had set him off, but he turned into a completely different man. He started hitting me, but I was young and dumb, so I didn’t leave him. Then, one night, I came home from work early. You were screaming in your room, and your dad was passed out in the chair. After I took care of you, I woke him up to yell at him. I never yelled at him, ever, but enough was enough. You were my baby, and God only knows how long you had been crying like that. When I started yelling at him, he came after me. He nearly beat me to death that night. He took off, and after I was able to move, I packed up everything you and I owned, and I took off. He searched for me for a long time, and he nearly caught up to us once or twice, but I always managed to stay one step ahead of him. I was terrified. I had no family, no friends, and no money. I worked crappy jobs, and we lived in crappy houses in every town we moved to, but we were mostly safe. I lived in terror for almost twelve years, just waiting for the day when he would finally find us.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” I asked, shocked by what my mother had kept from me.

“Because it was my problem, not yours. I wanted you to be happy, and you were. You didn’t look over your shoulder every day, terrified of whether or not he’d find us. Right after we moved to West Virginia, I got a call from a lawyer out of Louisiana, which is where we’re from originally. How he found me, I have no clue, but he did. He said that he represented your father and that he’d passed away. He was in a car accident that he caused in Missouri. He had gone the wrong way and driven down an exit ramp, hitting another car head-on. He killed the people inside the other car as well. I know it makes me a horrible person, but when the lawyer told me that your father had died, all I felt was relief. I was finally free, Logan. After years of running, I was finally free.”

“I don’t even know what to say. Why the hell didn’t he give up on us?”

“I don’t know. Your father had a lot of anger problems, and I think he was pissed that I’d escaped. I never filed for divorce because I didn’t want him to have an address to track me, so maybe he thought I was still his. Regardless, the reason doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I let my fear control me. It still controls me. Haven’t you ever wondered why I never dated? I was too afraid that I’d find someone just like him. I’m still too afraid to try. My point is, don’t do what I did. Don’t let the past control you. If this girl says that she didn’t cheat on you, give her a chance to explain herself.”

“But what if she really did cheat on me?”

“Then, talk to her, and walk away. It doesn’t matter what the outcome is. You deserve to know what really happened. Do you care a lot about this girl?”

“Yeah, I do. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt this damn bad,” I admitted.

“Then, give her a chance. If you don’t talk to her, you’ll always wonder if she was telling the truth or not. You deserve to be happy, Logan. I know that you weren’t very happy with me when you were growing up because I wasn’t around as much as I would have liked, but I’ve always loved you.”

“We have a screwed-up relationship, don’t we?” I asked.

She laughed. “Yeah, we do. I admit that most of it was my fault, but I hope you realize that everything I did was to protect you.”

“I know. I was butt-hurt because you were never around and because we moved constantly, but I need to get over it. I’m sorry I haven’t called very often or visited at all since I left.”

“It’s all right, but I wouldn’t mind a visit every now and then,” she teased.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Good. Now, let’s go eat. I’m sure dinner is just about ready now.”

I stood and followed my mom from my room. Surprisingly, talking with her had helped me more than I’d ever thought it would.