This Time Around (Maybe #2)(20)

“Right,” she scoffs. “You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. What, a nice little wifey at home, and some bitch on the side?” she yells, her cheeks flushing in anger. She stands up. “Do you know what? Fuck, this was a mistake.”

“This is déjà vu, isn’t it? You turning your back on me, walking away without giving me even one minute to explain,” I snap, losing my composure, desperate for her to hear me out.

“Well, as soon as I left, you just proved my theory, didn’t you? Having sex with anyone, proving to me that that’s what you really wanted! The few friends I had in school loved to tell me on social networks exactly what you were getting up to. After a while, I shut everything down and cut them all out of my life because I didn’t want to hear anymore!”

“Is that what you think?” I ask her, my eyes widening in shock.

She puts her hands on her hips. “What else am I supposed to think? Your actions speak louder than words, Ryan.” This is the conversation we should have had a long time ago. These are old wounds resurfacing and still causing lasting damage. Still inflicting pain.

“I made a mistake by pushing you away, but I never slept with anyone until you left me,” I say softly, but with conviction. I rub the bridge of my nose when I look at her face, knowing that she still doesn’t believe me. “Have I ever lied to you before?”

“Not that I know of,” she says, biting her plump bottom lip.

“It’s because I didn’t lie, Tay. I still messed up,” I admit, swallowing hard. “She kissed me; that’s it. I swear.”

“I know she did, Ryan, because I saw it,” she says, her beautiful green eyes pooling with tears.

“What?” I ask, dreading the answer.

She stands. “I have to go,” she whispers, not looking directly at me.

“Tay, don’t go, please,” I beg, coming closer to her.

She puts her hands up to stop me. “I feel like I’m right back there, watching the love of my life kissing her. Why did it have to be her?” she says, in a low tone that scares me. She glances up at me, her eyes lacking their usual sparkle. “Now I remember why I left. You’re a f*cking *, and you broke my heart.”

“It was just a kiss,” I tell her, reaching out and pulling her into me. She stills, but doesn’t push me away. Thank f*ck she doesn’t, because I don’t think I could handle that right now. “Just one kiss, a mistake. Biggest mistake in my life because I lost you.”

“Biggest mistake because you got caught, more likely,” she says into my chest. Does she really think of me like this? Does one stupid kiss, because I was messed up that day, turn me into an untrustworthy cheater in her eyes? Will I be branded that way forever? I’m going to show her, prove to her that she’s the only woman I will ever want.

“Forgive me,” I whisper into her ear, running my hands down her arms.

“I really think we should finalise the divorce and move on with our lives, Ryan,” she says, unable to look me in the eye as she speaks.

“And I think we should fight for each other, because we both deserve that. We owe it to each other Tay, to try and fix this,” I say, silently pleading that she wants to try and work on us. I can fight for the both of us, but I want her to want this too.

“I don’t know, Ryan,” she says, sighing dejectedly. She smells like apples, with a hint of alcohol and smoke. “Have you been smoking?” I ask, surprised. Taiya used to hate smoking with a passion.

“I may have picked up a habit or two,” she admits, nuzzling my chest. “Can we talk about the rest of this later? I just want to go home, have a shower and sleep.”

“Okay, come on. I’ll walk you home.”





Chapter Eleven

Taiya

I rub my forehead, willing the headache away. Why did I drink so much last night? Oh, right, I was both trying to not think about Ryan and gathering courage to finally face him at the same time. I roll over, digging my face into my soft feather pillow. Luckily, I don’t have to work today, and I don’t have anything planned apart from cleaning my apartment and dinner with my mum.

The talk today with Ryan didn’t go as I’d envisioned. I wanted to keep him at arm’s length, listen to his excuses, but not let them change my mind about not wanting to be with him. The bottom line was that I saw him, with her wrapped around him, their lips connected. I can’t get that picture out of my head, no matter how much I want to. Some other women might feel differently, and think, well, it’s only a kiss. But to me, it was something more.

Ryan and I were each other’s first kisses. Until that moment, I was the only woman he’d ever kissed. Maybe that was why he did it. Maybe he wanted to experiment, to see what it was like to kiss another woman. I don’t know what was going on in his head, and the truth was, I never let him tell me so I could figure it out. I know I should have heard him out, been rational, but after witnessing that, I kind of blocked it out. My walls instantly went up, and to be honest, I kind of felt sorry for myself. Was it something I did? Why her? All these kinds of questions ran through my head, and then after a while, I just got plain pissed off. No, it wasn’t my fault. No there is nothing wrong with me. It was his decisions, and his actions, his mistake. I don’t control his actions, he does. I like to think of myself as a strong woman, so when I started questioning myself, I felt as though I was losing myself. Like I had become weak, and so dependent on Ryan that I couldn’t function without him. That’s why I left. I needed to get away, sort my shit out, and stop sulking. Women’s hearts get broken every day. So I became a statistic. Other women got through it, and so could I. Our conversation resurfaced old wounds, and we didn’t even get to finish it.