This Time(21)

"Belle, I--" he started, but she spoke over him, continuing her tale.

"Daddy couldn't speak for several minutes. I thought I'd go crazy if he didn't say something soon. Finally he said, 'Kit, Burke's gone.' He might as well have been speaking a foreign language cause I didn't understand a word he said. After a few minutes, the meaning of his words hit me like a slap in the face. Then I fainted."

"I never intended to hurt you," he said, low and measured.

She walked over to where he sat, leaned on the pew in front of him and said to his face. "Then what did you mean?"

"I meant to not get married. Period. I struggled with doubts."

She sunk to the pew with a heavy sigh, blinking away the burning tears. "Why didn't you tell me how you felt?"

He rested his elbows on his knees and stared at his hands. "I thought I could go through with it. I thought the doubts would pass."

"Go through with it? Burke, I wasn't forcing you to marry me." The trembling increased and her teeth chattered as if she were cold.

"I realize that," he answered, stretching his hand toward her, but dropping it onto the pew before he touched her.

Belle glared at him, her eyes narrowed and her lips pale. "If I recall, you asked me to marry you. What made your feet suddenly turn so cold?"

He sat back and looked into her eyes. "When the pro draft came after my junior year, it took me by surprise. My life took a turn I hadn't expected."

"You won the Heisman that year, Burke. The draft should have been no surprise," she interjected, caustic.

"The Heisman, the draft. It overwhelmed me and went to my head."

She thought his excuse sounded lame, and it infuriated her. "You make no sense, Burke. Your whole life focused on football, on being the best, on winning the prize, on going pro. You want me to believe that going pro a year earlier than you intended changed you into a completely different person?"

He swept his brawny hand over his cropped blond hair and tried again. "I knew it would be hard to explain this to you and now that I'm saying it out loud, even I can't comprehend my own reasoning. That was twelve years ago."

"Burke, there had to be more to it than just going pro. What happened?" she asked.

"All right, here it is," he said, flinging his arms wide as if opening his heart, setting all caution aside. "That spring I went to my first pro training camp. You remember my walk with the Lord wasn't that strong at the time, so the glamour of professional football captivated me. And while I had prepared to be a professional athlete, I hadn't prepared for the life that came with it.

"I met other women, Belle. Nothing happened with any of them, but nagging doubts started pursuing me about our relationship. We'd been together for so long I didn't know if we were getting married because we truly loved each other, or if we were just comfortable, doing what everyone always expected us to do."

"Like an old pair of worn boots, eh?" Belle said cynically. Hearing Burke admit he met other women was not a surprise, she'd suspected it all along, but nevertheless, the confession stung.

"I just wanted to postpone the wedding. I tried to tell you, but every time I looked into those beryl green eyes of yours, my heart overruled my mind. I loved you, Belle, but I wasn't ready for marriage."

"So, how'd you finally get the guts to run out just before the ceremony?"

He grimaced. "I'd pretty much talked myself into going through with it."

Belle narrowed her eyes at him. "How charitable of you."

"Hold on now, hear me out," he said, holding up his hands for peace. "I figured once we were married I'd feel the way I used to feel about marrying you and life would be good again. But when I took the time to seriously contemplate our wedding, the ceremony, the reception, and the honeymoon, I knew I had too much doubt to go through with it. As much as I thought I loved you and, for as long as we'd waited to be together, I couldn't enter into something so precious if it didn't mean the world to me. And, at that point in time, Belle, it didn't."

Tears were streaming down her face. "How is it you break my heart, humiliate me, and end up sounding noble with that excuse?"

"I'm sure I'm not noble, but that's my reason."

"Do you know what it's like to crawl into bed alone and broken on the night that was supposed to be your wedding night?"

"Yeah, Belle, I do," Burke said, leaning toward her, catching her eyes with his. "I checked into a cheap motel and cried myself to sleep that night. I needed to call my best friend, but I'd just broken her heart."

The image of him alone, hurting and confused, weighted with the burden of his actions touched her heart with tender compassion. Fresh tears spilled onto her cheeks. Yet, a small piece of her remained unwilling to let it all go so easily. She challenged him, ready for a fight. "So, you got a whole new life, and I got the shattered one you left behind."

"You seemed to have recovered nicely," he countered, slightly sarcastic.

Belle fumed and hopped off the pew, replying with vigor, a steady cadence in her words. "I had no choice."

He started to reply, but she'd had enough. The conversation had zapped her emotional strength. "Look, Burke, I gotta go," she said, brushing away tear stains with the back of her hand. She marched down the aisle and out the chapel door into the dark evening.