This Is Falling(41)

It’s almost as if the universe was on Nate’s side. Today’s philosophy lecture was all about self-determination, and every example my professor gave was as if he was plucking it from the pages of my own life. I love Josh with all of my heart, but I also blame him for every twist my path has taken. I’m stuck between wanting to let go and wanting to honor everything he was to my life, wanting to prove that I was his until the very end.

Last night, I purchased a few items from the corner grocery store, tired of being the third wheel to Cass and Ty in the cafeteria. I packed a small lunch today to eat between my two classes. I knew it would save me time and let me get some reading in before my art-history class, but I also knew that if I could manage—if I could find the courage to sit under a tree on the main campus lawn—then Nate would have to see me. He walks this path every day on his way to the math building. I’ve seen him from afar, and I hope putting myself in his way makes him notice me again.

My sandwich is dry because I made it in such a hurry, and I have to chase it with most of my soda just to get it down. I went a little overboard on the bag of pretzels, packing enough for a Boy Scout troop, mostly because I wanted to be sure I was still eating something when Nate walked by. It has to seem authentic, and I need to be distracted, or else I will just look desperate.

I sense his legs crossing the street without even turning my face up, and I sneak a look from my periphery just to be sure he’s walking this way. For a moment, I think he’s not going to stop, and my gut feels heavy. But at the last second, I hear his feet pause along the small gravel path that winds through the trees and grass, and my heart skips a beat.

“Picnic for one?” He’s standing next to me now, and I know when I look up at him his face will give everything away.

“Just trying to conquer my demons,” I say, honestly. Nate kneels down and picks up the book lying open in front of me, thumbing through a few pages. I allow myself to glance up at him, and when I do, he catches me and holds my gaze. His lips are a faint smirk, almost like he can read my mind, and he knows every thought I’ve had of him since he left me standing in his room.

He folds my book closed but holds my page with his finger. “When do you leave for Arizona?” He’s still studying me, and I can tell that right now—right this minute—he’s nervous too.

“Tomorrow, around three. I’m taking a taxi to the airport,” I say, my voice wavering at the thought of everything I have to survive tomorrow. “I…I don’t really like flying.”

“What, flying? Nah, that’s easy,” he says, handing me my book but careful not to touch his hand to mine. The lack of contact hurts. “Want my secret?”

I nod yes, but the truth is I want all of him, the parts I’m afraid to ask for, and the parts I’m afraid will break me.

“Put Neil Diamond on your iPod. It works with almost every song, but ‘Sweet Caroline’ is the best, because you can’t help but want to sing along with it,” he says, standing and pulling his backpack up along his shoulder. “Neil’s got your back.”

He winks when he walks away, and I spend the next fifteen minutes wondering if I’ve lost him before I even had him to lose.





Nate





“This sucks,” I say, throwing the book I’ve been reading for my English class across the room against the wall.

“That’s why I picked business bro. Once you get out of those under-grad classes, every book you read is about money, and who doesn’t like to read about money?” Ty rubs his fingers together for emphasis.

“No, the book’s fine. Actually, I wouldn’t know. I’ve read the same sentence a hundred times because I can’t get my goddamned mind to focus on shit. I sucked it up at batting practice today, too.” It’s almost eleven, and I know Rowe hasn’t hit the showers yet, because I keep checking.

“Girl’s messing with baseball now. I was willing to let things slide when she was just messing with you, but now she’s f*ckin’ up my favorite sport,” Ty says in a serious tone. I know he’s joking, but I also know he’s a little frustrated on my behalf. I told Ty about Rowe’s past, and I know he’ll keep it to himself. But my brother has a different perspective on life—he’s all about seizing the moment and not living with regrets. When I told him about Rowe, he tried to encourage me to give up my pursuit, saying that if she’s been stuck for two years, then nothing’s ever going to break her pattern. But I can’t give up yet. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think my heart would let me.

“I’ll be back,” I say, grabbing my keys and heading to the showers again. It’s been fifteen minutes since the last time I checked.

“You’re kind of pathetic, just so you know!” Ty yells after me.

“Thanks, I know,” I say back, shaking my head at myself.

I can hear the humming from a few doors away, and I know she’s in there. I don’t even know if she realizes she does it, but when Rowe showers, she hums, sometimes actually singing words. I think it’s a subconscious thing she does when she’s nervous, but her voice is amazing. Tonight she’s singing that Maroon 5 song “She Will Be Loved.” She doesn’t know all the words, so when she gets to a part that she’s unsure of, she makes up lyrics, and it’s cute as hell.