This Is Falling(37)

Cass and Ty finally woke up around noon. I was hungry, and Nate didn’t have anything to eat in his room, so I forced myself to visit the cafeteria alone. My body didn’t react nearly as badly as I thought it would, but I still had to sit in the far corner, with my back pressed to the wall. I ate cereal, the box kind that you fold into a bowl, and I saved the box when I was done—my trophy for taking such a big step.

When I got back, my room was finally open, so I walked in and put my cereal bowl on the shelf by my desk.

“Saving up to win the prize?” Cass asks, pointing to the empty Sugar Loops box.

“Something like that,” I smile.

“So, how was your night?” Cass wants details, and I know she’s expecting my night to have been similar to hers. But I know it wasn’t. It probably wasn’t even close. But in many ways, I think it was probably a million times better. “Does that smile on your face mean what I think it means?”

“Noooooo,” I say, tossing Paige’s dress at her. “We just…slept. But it was really, really, really nice.”

“Hmmmmmm, sounds really, really, really boring,” she says, over exaggerating her frown to emphasize her disappointment. “Wanna hear about my night?”

“Oh god no!” I must be completely distracted by this new experience of having a girlfriend, because for some reason I start to change out of Nate’s clothes right in front of her, not even attempting to hide the hideous marks on my body. It’s not until I work my own pair of shorts up my hips and button them that I turn to face her and notice her staring. It would only make it worse to grab Nate’s shirt or my blanket and cover myself quickly, so I don’t. Instead, I just freeze, letting my arms drop to my side and turning even more so she can truly see.

“They’ve gotten better,” I say, the strength in my voice surprising even me.

“What happened?” she asks, folding up her legs to sit comfortably on her own bed. I think that’s one of the things I like most about Cass, the little I know of her so far. She’s blunt—in a way that cuts through the bullshit in life. Most people would dance around the questions, not wanting to hurt my feelings. But I’m starting to realize all of the hiding in the shadows does far more damage to my feelings than just showing the world who I really am.

I run my fingers over the deep divots a few times, sucking in my lips to keep myself together while I let the memories flood through me. Picking up my tank top, I slide it over my head slowly, pulling the bottom down to meet my shorts and hiding the proof of my story again.

“Two years ago, there was a shooting at my school. You ever hear of Hallman High?” This marks the second time I’ve told this story ever. With Nate, I was more cautious and emotional. But things are different with Cass. With her, I’m seeking an ally, someone who can explain away my weirdness when it comes unexpectedly—and it will come. It will come in droves.

“I think so. This sounds awful—but there are so many school shootings, I sort of get them mixed up,” she says, her face showing an apology that she doesn’t remember every detail of mine.

“It’s okay. Mine wasn’t one of the remarkable ones. I mean, it was to me of course, but not the rest of the world.”

I reach into my bottom drawer and grab the photos I hid there the other day, then join Cass on her bed. Just as I did with Nate, I recant the basics—mental illness, man with a gun, our cafeteria, Josh and Betsy.

“This is Josh and me at the winter formal,” I say, showing her my favorite picture of the both of us. I like this one because we look so much older than 16. Maybe I like pretending we got to grow up together after all.

I have fewer pictures of Betsy, but I show her the few I’ve kept. Betsy was my other half, the girl who really knew me. We met in kindergarten and were inseparable ever since.

“So Betsy didn’t make it?” Cass asks, handing the small stack of photographs back to me. I shake my head no and look down at them in my lap—all that’s left of the two most important people in my life summed up in seven pictures.

“Wow. Well that’s…” she pauses for a few seconds, bobbing her head side to side while thinking of the perfect word. “Sucky. That’s just sucky.”

Her choice makes me laugh, and laugh hard. Because yeah, it is sucky, and that’s really the only perfect word there is for my story. “Oh my god, it is soooooo sucky!” I say, putting on a Valley-Girl tone. Mocking my own tragedy feels good, and I wish I had done it sooner.

“Riiiight? I mean, like, oh my god, what a lame way to start your summer!” Cass is speaking Valley Girl with me, and I’m laughing so hard my stomach hurts.

“Totes!” I say back to her in between laughs. We’re rolling on our backs, tears falling from the creases of our eyes when Paige comes in.

“Oh my god, so like, Paige, do you totally want to hear my sucky story?” I say, barely able to finish my sentence, I’m laughing so hard.

“Uhm, I guess?” Paige says, moving to the closet to hang her sweater on the hook on the back of the door.

“Like, when I was sixteen, this guy came to my school and shot my boyfriend and best friend. I mean, right? Who does that?” Cass is holding her stomach she’s laughing so hard, her face turning red, and I’m almost gurgling in between my speech.