This Is Falling(40)

I had a hard time imagining Nate being anything other than confident, which made me start to wonder about how different he is with me. Sadie had his heart, as far as I can tell. At least, she did until she betrayed him—Ty wasn’t shy about sharing that part, about how Nate walked in on her with his best friend at their graduation party.

The walk home with Nate, Cass, and Ty felt strange now that I had all of this new information, too. And I couldn’t help but think that maybe hearing about Sadie had brought up old feelings.

“Wanna hang?” Nate says, bringing me back to the present. Ty and Cass are ahead of us, already heading down the hall to my room. When the door closes behind them, I know I have nowhere to go, at least not for a while.

“Thanks,” I say, feeling much more like a burden than I would have a couple of hours ago.

Nate flips the TV on to “Sports Center,” and part of me thinks he just wants to fill the quiet in the room. I sit on the edge of Ty’s bed, my purse in my lap, and watch a montage of amazing baseball plays.

“That guy’s awesome. The shortstop for Colorado?” Nate says, sliding back on his bed and propping his head up on a pillow, the awkwardness still very much alive between the two of us.

“I bet I’ll see you up there someday,” I say, instantly feeling gushy and stupid, like a fan girl.

“You coming to my tournament next weekend?” He still hasn’t looked at me. He hasn’t put his eyes to mine since the Sadie conversation.

“Oh, uh…I can’t. I’m going home for the weekend.” For whatever reason, that seems to get Nate’s attention, and his eyes move immediately to mine. I hold his stare as long as I can without breaking, but eventually it becomes too intense, and I look back down to the floor.

“How come I can’t meet your parents?” he asks, and I’m so perplexed by his question that I can only respond with one of my own.

“Are you still in love with Sadie?”

Nate holds my stare again, just like he did before, only this time he’s the one to break. He reaches along the side of his bed for the television remote, pushing the mute button so we’re forced to fill the silence between us. He slides forward on his bed until he’s on the edge, right across from me, and then he squares his long legs to the side, facing me completely.

“Sadie was my high school girlfriend. She’s the first girl I said I loved and was the one to take my virginity. Before graduation, we were planning on going to the same college. She plays basketball, and she’s really f*cking good.” There’s a bite to his tone, and it makes me uncomfortable.

“When I caught her with my best friend Seth, I fell out of love with her—in an instant. There was no thinking about it, no wondering what I did wrong. I woke up that morning in love and I came home that night out of it. So no, Rowe. I’m not in love with Sadie. Her parents are still friendly with mine, but I’m so incredibly out of love with Sadie that I don’t even get angry or bitter when my family tells me stories about her. The only thing that made me upset tonight was having to hear those stories in front of you.”

It’s so quiet in his room that I’m afraid to swallow the gigantic lump that is choking me, but I do. And when I do, Nate leans forward even more, his elbows on his knees while he brings his hands together in front of him to crack each knuckle, again, his eyes never leaving me.

“Why Rowe?” He just leaves his question in the air. Two words that could mean anything, and I know they mean everything.

“Why what?” I sound combative and snarky, and I don’t mean to, but I don’t know how to cross this line with him, and I don’t even know if my heart is mine to give. But I know that I don’t like hearing about him and Sadie, and I know I’m relieved he’s not in love with her anymore.

“Why do you care about how I feel about Sadie?” His eyes intensify on me. “I mean, if I’m not the kind of guy you introduce to your parents, why does it matter who I hook up with? What are we doing here, Rowe? What is this?”

“I don’t know!” I stand and bring my purse to my body, wanting desperately to leave, to run back to my own room and hide. But there’s a part of me that also wants Nate’s mouth on mine, and that part is hungry and forceful and begging to be heard. And then I close my eyes, and I see Josh’s face, and everything feels worse.

When I open my eyes again, Nate is standing in front of me, his arms to his side and his fingers threatening to connect with mine, but just coming close enough for me to feel his heat. His chest is inches away, and slowly he reaches up to put his thumb under my chin. I close my eyes tightly, and my fingers cling to my purse, hoping my heart can survive whatever is about to happen.

“I don’t play games, Rowe. I’m just…I just don’t,” he says against my ear. “I will wait, but I won’t wait forever.”

I hear his door open, and when I open my eyes again, I’m standing in his room alone, my breathing almost that of a heart attack victim. My eyes want to cry, and so does my heart, but all I can seem to do is stand there under the flickering light of Nate’s TV while I wait for my roommate to unlock our door again.





Chapter 16





Rowe





He had disappeared. I know he still went to class and to practice, because I caught glimpses of him, but he was never there for long. My flight leaves tomorrow, and I haven’t talked to Nate since those few minutes alone in his room.