Thicker Than Blood (Thicker Than Blood #1)(39)

Somewhere in the midst of my strength and courage, I must have lost a part of myself. The part that cared about others, even strangers. Somewhere, somehow, I had lost my humanity.

The thought was shocking, choking even, and I suddenly needed air and space from them all. I turned and stumbled outside, my eyes burning from the sudden brightness. I began to sob and retch, gasping for air, feeling as if I were every bit as bad as one of the infected, because I’d never felt or shown an ounce of remorse for anything or anyone that I’d killed or hurt. Just like the infected.

A noise up ahead startled me out of my pity party and I looked up sharply, seeing an infected on the outskirts of the clearing. It had come because of the smell of blood, just like we had expected. It was a man once, but Christ, this wasn’t a man anymore. It was barely dressed, with rags clinging to its bony, graying body.

Drawing myself upright, I gripped my knife and took a step forward, watching as he—it—looked up and toward me. Noticing me, it growled loudly and stumbled out of the trees and into the clearing, but I suddenly couldn’t move, as if my feet were glued to the earth. My knife was still firmly in my grip, but may as well have been a spatula for all the good it would do if I couldn’t find the will to act. I saw so much of myself in that monster right then, knowing I was no better than it was.

The infected continued its broken shamble toward me, growing closer with every limping step, yet I still couldn’t move. As it stumbled over a large tree branch in its way, I found myself snorting, then laughing. Laughing! Coughing, I attempted to clear my throat, but I was still unable to stop laughing. The infected seemed somewhat incensed by the sound, or maybe that was only me projecting my emotions on a creature that didn’t feel anything but hunger and the urge to kill.

Just like me. Hungry to live, and willing to kill to continue to do so.

It was within arm’s reach now, and I was at least able to raise my blade a little higher. But my damn arm was shaking and I knew—I just f*cking knew it was going to bite me if I didn’t do something. But I couldn’t; I just couldn’t.

“Jesus, Eve!” Alex charged past me, barging into the infected just as it reached for me, and threw it to the ground. Dropping to his knees, Alex smashed the grip of his rifle into its head, the sickening sound of bones cracking and brain splattering under the impact causing me to feel even sicker.

Scowling up at me, Alex got to his feet. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded angrily.

I opened my mouth but no sound came out, not even air. I was literally at a loss for words to explain myself or my behavior.

Giving me a hard look, Alex shook his head and turned away. “Get your shit together,” he called out over his shoulder as he stormed back inside.

Dizzy and disoriented, I slumped to the ground. This wasn’t me. I didn’t do this. I always had my shit together; I’d had my shit together for the past four years. I didn’t lose it like this, yet my vision was tunneling right in front of me and still, I could barely breathe.

From within the cabin, I could hear the faint sound of arguing, and then what sounded like a physical scuffle. I knew I needed to pick myself up and get in there, to see what was going on, but I couldn’t make my legs work. Just the thought of standing felt strenuous, in fact everything felt strenuous. It was just too much, it was all way too much for me to cope with.

A short, sharp scream rang through the air but was cut off as quickly as it had begun, and then a mere moment later, the man stormed out of the cabin and took off running into the woods. Another moment passed before Leisel exited the cabin. Her eyes found me and she headed in my direction, taking a seat beside me on the ground. Draping an arm over my shoulders, she rested her head against mine.

“Alex killed her,” she whispered. “She woke up and lunged for her dad. He wasn’t quick enough, but Alex was.”

Taking a deep breath as my vision cleared, I felt my lungs finally expanding fully, enabling me to take a much-needed breath of air. I glanced at Leisel, debating whether to respond to what she’d told me, but found her looking off into the distance as tears glistened on her cheeks, and decided for the moment to just let it be.

Eventually Alex joined us, his teeth clenched and his jaw locked. “Sort your shit out, Eve,” he said shortly. “You can’t screw up like that again.”

Sniffing, I nodded. He was right; I was being weak when I needed to be strong. But I also knew that this—his anger—was his way of dealing with what had just happened. That like me, he had his own coping mechanism, and right now he wasn’t coping well. He was mentally and physically strong, but everyone had their breaking point.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, blinking rapidly in an attempt to stop my threatening tears from falling. Because I was sorry. Sorry for losing it, for nearly getting myself bitten as well as putting everyone else in danger, and sorry because of the terrible thing he’d just had to do.

“Don’t apologize for being human,” Leisel said softly, squeezing me closer as she glared accusingly at Alex. “Don’t ever apologize for that, Eve.”

? ? ?

Hours passed before the man returned, and when he did he didn’t as much as look at us, let alone say anything about us still being there. Honestly, I didn’t know why we were. We didn’t owe him anything, yet we stayed.

Noises erupted from within the cabin, as if objects were being tossed around. The loud banging and clanging only lasted for a minute before the man reappeared with a small shovel in hand. With a defeated-sounding sigh, Alex joined him and together they took turns digging a small hole in the ground.