The You I've Never Known(75)

There’s something seriously wrong with my psyche

because “sacrifice” paired with “Dad” defines oxymoronic.

And I’m not sure exactly

what I’m sorry about.

Good. Then throw whatever you can’t live without into a suitcase.

I don’t trust that bitch to keep quiet and I’m not going to jail.

My head is shaking before

my mouth even opens.

“I already told you, no way.”

It’s the first time I’ve ever straight-up defied my dad, and it scares me that

he might in fact go and

leave me here alone.

“Look, Dad, I love you.

I really hope you’ll decide to stay and work through this.

It will be okay. Things don’t have to change, at least

not that much. For the first time in my life I feel planted somewhere. Please don’t try and uproot me again. Now

I get your reasons for relocating so often, but that doesn’t change how hard it was. For once I have friends, people I care about. Commitments. A job, even, though I’ve barely started it yet. I have an actual life.”

You call those people friends?

A Mexican—he spits the word— and a boyfriend who’s cheating on you. Bet you didn’t know that.

“But you did? Thanks for

telling me, and hate to spoil the surprise, but I happen to know about Gabe and Hillary.”





I’m Glad I Do


He wanted so much

to hurt me with that.

He was almost giddy, in fact. I dare to look him straight in the eye, and the storm of emotions churning there almost makes me back down.

Rage.

Pain.

Confusion.

Disgust.

Hate.

Overwhelming hate.

You want to be with her, don’t you? I can’t believe after all we’ve been through together you’d choose that goddamn whore over me.

“What are you talking about? I did not choose anyone over you. I just can’t stomach the idea of living on the run.

How did I not realize that’s what we were doing?”





Lies, Lies, Lies


How could I have been

so freaking dense?

Okay, fine. Desert me, then.

That’s how much I mean to you?

Use me, then throw me away, like a snot-smeared Kleenex?

“Nice visual, Dad. Awesome.

But the honest-to-God truth is it was you who used me.”

How do you figure that?

Exactly how did I use you?

“You used me as revenge, a pawn in your game

of payback. You used me as a means to an end,

dangling me like a lure in your meal ticket

fishing derby.

Mostly I think you used me so you wouldn’t spend your life alone. Didn’t you realize at some point

I’d become an adult?

You can’t own people,

and that includes me.”





I’m Shredded


How do I reconcile loving my father with despising what he’s done? What happens next?

And who are we now?

I can’t stay here any longer.

He’s masterful at what he’d call persuasion, and I won’t take a chance on his coercing me into leaving with him.

“You do what you have to do.

I’m spending the night with Monica. It’s her birthday.”

I make up my mind without even thinking it over.

She’s my one constant.

I can see his brain at work, searching for the exact

retort to turn me around.

And, here it comes.

Okay, then, Casey . . .

He hisses the name, malice shadowing his voice.

You run along to your beaner friend. I wash my hands of you, you ungrateful fucking brat.





The Words Pierce


Like rusty tines,

and all I can do is bleed silently, any verbal response futile. I push past him and go to grab clothes and my toothbrush.

Should I throw everything into a suitcase, like Dad suggested?

If I don’t and he takes off, how long will I have to collect it? I don’t even know when the rent is due or how it gets paid, or what company provides

the power. I’m far, far away from being anything like an adult.

I can’t possibly live on my own.

Falling apart, I flop onto my bed, cover my head with the pillow I’ve slept on almost every night since we moved in here.

In the space of a single

afternoon, the entire fabric of my already fragile existence has turned into tatters.

“I hate you, Maya McCabe!”

I scream into the pillowcase-covered foam lumps.

“Why couldn’t you

leave us alone?”





I Sink Into


The mattress and it sinks into me that, whatever

her reasons, she has appeared and, regardless, the only direction I (or anyone)

can move is forward.

This day is almost over.

Tomorrow has yet

to materialize, but

that will definitely happen unless I choose to end

it all right now, right here.

I’ve got way too much