The You I've Never Known(80)

Dad’s only hit me a few times.

Open-handed.

And only when I deser— Wait.

I really was thinking deserved it.

But that’s not right.

I never deserved it.

Never deserved his ugly words, either.

Not to mention what happened tonight.

Oh my God.

I’m a mess.

“Hey, Gabe.

You’re right.

But can we

please talk

about something else right now?”

I’m bending.

Don’t want to snap in half.

He senses as much.

Okay. Like what?

Thinking. Thinking.

Oh, right.

I’ve got it.

“Hillary.”

His Adam’s apple bobs when

he swallows.

How did . . .

Zelda told you.

“She told me first.

Dad confirmed.

Guess I was the last one to know, huh?

Stupid me.”

Stupid

abused

me.





He Starts to Sputter


So I relieve him a little.

“Hey. It’s okay. I get it.

I just wish you would

have told me yourself.

I really felt like an idiot for not noticing. Walking around with my eyes

shut, as Pops used to say.”

I’m sorry, Ariel. Truly I am.

That’s what I wanted to talk about after the game today.

It blew me away how hard she and I hit it off. I mean, we have so little in common, and . . . Are you mad at me?

“For what? Not like either of us made any promises

to each other. I’ll admit I was a little hurt at first, mostly because it felt like you were sneaking around.

I never hid Monica from you.”

Did you ever tell her you and I had sex? Point-blank, he calls me out. Deservedly.

“No. But I plan to. Tonight.

It’s the right time for honesty.”





The Exchange


Is a good one. We come away

from it still friends, only no longer

with privileges. Okay by me.

I’ve got way too many supersize

complications to deal with anyway,

not to mention a small one or two.

“So . . .” I begin as he pulls up in front of Monica’s house. “I’m supposed to

be at work by eight tomorrow morning.

It’s kind of early to bum a ride, I know, but I’m not sure who else to ask. Syrah might be able to, but she’d hate me.”

You’re planning on exercising horses tomorrow when your face looks like that? Might not be a good idea. I can tell— “I already missed today, and I’m going to need the money. The horses won’t

care how my face looks, anyway.”

But maybe you’re, you know, brain damaged or something. He grins.

More brain damaged, that is.

“Very funny. It’s just a knot, and I’ve always heard the real problems stem

from bumps that push in, not out.”

If you say so. Okay, I’ll pick you up at seven thirty, drop you off, and do something about your car. Sound good?

“Sounds early and generous and kind, and . . .

thank you. I’m lucky to have you

in my life, even with Hillary attached.”

He’s quiet for a moment. Remember a while back when I told you I didn’t care who you loved? That wasn’t true.

I might have thought it was then, but once we spent some time together I realized I wanted you all to myself.

You were truthful with me. I should’ve returned the favor. Who knows?

Things might be very different now.

I really don’t have the right to say this, but your honesty is one of the best things about you. Don’t let go of it in favor of the easy way out. Lies tend to creep up and bite you in the ass.

I’m proof of that, and on a much larger scale, so is your dad. I don’t know what he told you, but I listened in on Zelda and your mom. Have you spoken to Maya?





I Assure Him


That I have not in a tone

of voice that denies the fact that we’re as close as we are— or used to be. Were we?

“I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know why she has

to show up now and make

a total disaster of my life.”

Force of habit, or honest

affection, he laces our fingers together. I know this came as a surprise. But while you’re thinking about your life, have you considered hers?

I yank free. “You calling

me selfish? Because here’s

the thing. I’ve never, not ever, had that opportunity.

What, in my lifetime,

has given me anything

to hold on to, to fight for?

The only valuable object

I’ve ever owned is the car

stuck in the ditch out there

in Bumfuckville. As for people, the few true connections

I’ve been allowed are all right here in Sonora. Now I’m

expected to sacrifice those,

because of the woman who

sacrificed me? No damn way.”

Okay. Okay. But just so you know, “bitter” doesn’t suit you. I’ll shut up now because I don’t want to upset you any more than you already are.