The You I've Never Known(71)

To what? Decide she is, in fact, my mother? A blood test can prove that.

What does it take to prove you’re an actual mom?





Where Do I Go Now?


Not home. Not ready to listen to Dad’s bullshit excuses and lies.

How could he do this to me?

How can I ever believe a single word

he utters again?

Not going to Syrah’s or Monica’s.

What would I say?

Hey, don’t sweat it.

(Santa please . . . ) Everything’s cool.

Nothing’s changed.

Oh, except

don’t forget

to call me Casey.

Can I just keep being Ariel instead?

I’ll go to Zelda’s.

We have something in common: betrayal.





The GTO


Is nowhere in sight.

Gabe must be off somewhere, and that’s fine by me.

I’m here to commiserate

with Zelda and don’t need a distraction.

She must have been

waiting for me,

because she answers

my knock right away.

I realize this is the first time I’ve been here

without Dad and/or Gabe.

I hoped you’d come, she says.

How about a drink?

God knows I’ve had a couple.

I think it over, but decide, “Better not. At some point I’ll have to drive. You go right ahead, though.”

I follow her inside,

where it looks like Christmas.

Red and green garlands sway over doorways and windows, and in the living room

is one of those pop-up trees, all trimmed and lit.

“When did this happen?

How did this happen?”

It didn’t look like this last time I was here.

“Don’t tell me it was elves.”

She snorts. Wish it were that easy. Gabe and I have been working on it. He’s done most of it, in fact. So maybe I do have an elf, though he’s a pretty tall specimen.

Christmas is still two weeks away, but it’s not like Dad and I ever put up a tree or hang stockings. I’ve never even considered doing such things. “Well, it’s pretty.”

It seemed prettier a few hours ago. Have a seat. There’s stuff you should know. She gulps whatever it is she’s drinking.

I perch on the edge of the sofa, rather than settle in. Not sure I’ll let myself feel comfortable again. At least with discomfort you’re clear on the truth. Suddenly I don’t know why I came here.

What can I say, really?





The Feeling Must Be Mutual


Because even as Zelda sits

in the adjacent recliner,

a huge sheet of Arctic ice

coalesces in the silence

between us. To break it,

I ask, “Where’s Gabe?”

This is not what I’m here

to talk about, but Zelda’s all in.

Gabe went out to the ranch to visit Hillary. I’m being direct here, because it’s one of the things you should know. Lately they’ve been spending time together.

Glacier broken, a big chunk

sinks. Glub-glub. Gabe and Hillary. Wow. Didn’t see that

one coming. It’s crushing,

but why? Not like he and I

are an actual couple, just

friends with privileges.

And only a few hours ago,

I thought I didn’t care about

Syrah flirting with him.

Is it because that was out

in the open, and this definitely wasn’t? Are all guys sneaks?

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

He should have, and I’m sure he would have eventually.

I think he was waiting to see how things panned out, but honestly, he’s smitten. Sorry to drop this in your lap on top of everything else, but today is the day for coming clean.

“I guess it is. So you know,

I have no freaking clue how

Dad managed to keep me

in the dark about everything.

Obviously I’m stupid.”

That makes two of us. But listen.

There’s more. After you left and your dad took off, I stayed and talked to Ms. McCabe for a few minutes. You need to know that she was awarded legal custody of you. As her story goes, one December morning when you were very little she was at work when Mark—I can’t think of him as Jason—picked you up from daycare. He was in the army when he took off with you, and that made him AWOL. Now he’s considered a deserter.





Awesome


Just keeps getting better

and better. “So now what?

Is he going to be arrested?”

She says she hasn’t called the authorities. I believe her, though I can’t understand why not. Or maybe I can.

She doesn’t want to take a chance on pushing you away.

“I’m not hers to push anywhere.

Why did she track us down now,

anyway? Why, after all this time?”

Honey, she swears she never stopped looking for you, though the trail got cold after a while.

“What if she’s making it all up?

How hard could it have been?

What about Ma-maw and Pops?

She must have known them,

and I stayed with them a few