The Words We Leave Unspoken(61)
I’ve wandered around for hours, the rain started a while ago, but it didn’t deter my need to keep walking. I’m soaked to the bone, my Converse sneakers full of water and still I keep walking until I find myself standing in front of Ben’s old house. I see his car parked in the driveway and recall him telling me at the bar that he moved back to Seaport to care for his mother after his dad passed away. My feet are pounding the pavement faster than my heart is hammering in my chest, but I suddenly have so much to say to him, so many things that I never got the chance to say. I feel as if I need to say them.
The sky has grown completely dark and the rain is beating down hard and steady. I step up to the porch, nearly jump when the censored light turns on and then I knock on the door. I wait but there’s no response. Just as I’m about to go, the door flies open and Ben stands there in jeans and a T-shirt, barefoot. My eyes are drawn to his bare skin, veins weaving around his sculpted arms like thick chords.
“Charley? What are you doing here? Did you walk here?” He glances behind me to the street before looking back at my face.
“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m so sorry...” I start to choke up but the words pour out of me and I am unable to stop them. “I was scared. I was so scared. I loved you so much and I didn’t want you to leave... I couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving.” Tears are making their way down my face and I feel my body begin to shake, either from the cold or my confession, I can’t be sure. Ben’s expression is unreadable but he just stands there, searching my face silently, with his hand on the door. “I never meant to hurt you,” I say, shaking my head from side to side. “I never wanted to hurt anyone. I just thought... I just thought... if I was with someone else it wouldn’t hurt as much. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. Hurting you... was the worst part and I was completely heartbroken when you left.”
I feel the rain dripping off me like the words falling from my mouth. I process them at the same time as Ben, not realizing until I said the words aloud how I felt.
“Come here,” he says as he pulls me inside and shuts the door. I am sobbing and shaking, a complete mess. But he pulls me into his arms and holds me close, my drenched clothing soaking his T-shirt.
“I know all this, Charley. And I’m not going to lie, you crushed me. It took me a long time to get over you, in some ways I’m still not over you. But once I got over my anger and my bruised ego, I realized why you did it.”
“I’m sorry...” I start to apologize again but he pulls back slightly and puts his fingers over my lips.
“It was a long time ago... water under the bridge,” he whispers. I look into his eyes through my tears and he stares into mine; we stay like this for a beat. I slowly lean in and press my lips to his and he kisses me for the briefest of moments before he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes.
“As much as I’d love to see where this goes...” He smirks and whispers, “Trust me I’ve thought about being with you like this since I saw you in my exam room. But this really isn’t about me, Charley. It’s about him. I saw it in your eyes, the way you look at him. I know because you used to look at me that way. We both know you’re running away, but what are you afraid of this time, Charley? Because it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere.”
I can feel our hearts beating against each other as he holds me tightly. Every part of me is touching every part of him, our faces so close I can smell a faint trace of beer on his breath. It occurs to me how intimate this is, yet it feels safe and familiar. His eyes are open now and I stare into them, knowing that he’s right. About everything. Maybe I’ve always known that there was something different about Grey, something that set him apart from all the others, something that threatened my simple existence. Ben’s question lingers in the air like smoke after a fire. What am I afraid of?
“I don’t know,” I answer, my voice only a whisper.
His fingers trail down my cheek as he says, “I guess our time has passed, huh?”
I sniffle and say, “I guess so.”
“Charley, if you feel for him, the way I think you do, then don’t screw this up. We only get so many chances at love.”
I throw my head back slightly and smile. “God, when did you get so philosophical?” I groan.
“I’ve screwed up a few chances of my own, so I’m speaking from experience,” he says with a smile as he loosens his hold on me, putting more space between us.
“Is that so?” I ask, curious as to what he’s been doing all this time.
“Yeah, unfortunately.” He steps back and nods toward the living room down the hall. “Come in, I’ll get you a towel.”
I slip my wet shoes off and follow him down the hallway and take a seat on a bar stool at the kitchen island. I look around, a flood of memories rush me all at once. Being here with Ben and his parents. So envious of how close they all were, how wholesome they seemed. And feeling lucky to be a part of it. I loved them. Ben. His mom. His dad. Being in this room, remembering it all, I know without a doubt, I loved him. Ben hands me a towel and I squeeze the excess water from my hair.
“Is your mom here?” I ask, all at once longing to see her.
“No, she lives over at The Cliffs in assisted living. I moved her there last spring. I didn’t like leaving her here alone during my long shifts at the clinic.”