The Words We Leave Unspoken(59)
“You think being homeless is the easy road?” Charley asks, clearly not seeing what I see.
“I think getting clean and trying to be a man worthy of a family, worthy of love was too daunting a choice for him. So, yes, living alone with no one depending on him, drinking away the regret of his choice, having to answer to no one, feeling nothing – that was definitely the easy way out.”
I take a breath and fight the emotion churning in my gut. I’ve never said all this aloud. I’ve always felt this way, but I’ve never actually said it. It triggers so many memories, so many different feelings. Part of me wants to feel sorry for my dad, because it is all so sad when you think of it. And then I feel angry again, because as sad as it is, he made his choice. Some people might argue that addiction is a disease not a choice, but I disagree. Cancer is a disease, an affliction that selects you at random, bears you no choice. It seems unfair that my father could waste his precious life this way while despite all the right choices I have made, my life is being taken from me. I think of Charley and her choices and the difference between my dad and my sister. In so many ways, she reminds me of him. The good things, the things I remember about him before he lost himself. Like his honesty. Charley is blunt, straight to the point, no-nonsense. Just like he was. And her laugh, it’s infectious. And God, my dad could laugh, always finding the humor in everything. But she is not him. She is so strong, she just doesn’t see it and maybe I haven’t wanted to see it. But I see it now.
A steady stream of tears rolls down my cheeks, leaving a salty taste on my lips.
Charley is quiet, taking it all in. We have never really talked about the past and it’s a lot to swallow all at once.
“Charley, I get that you’re afraid. But don’t let Dad’s choices define you. Not everyone’s a coward.” I am about to add that not everyone’s going to leave her, but I hold the words back, suddenly struck by the fierce truth, that while not everyone will leave her, I most certainly will and sooner than we both want. Instead I say, “Not everyone is going to turn away from love. From you.”
She wipes her face on her shirtsleeve and looks up at me. Her eyes, the mirror of my own, are childlike as they search my face for more answers. But I have nothing more to say.
“I know that,” she finally says, her voice barely a whisper. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get close to someone and I just freeze up, like there’s nothing inside me to give. Like nothing I have will be enough. And then I make a mess of everything. And I don’t know how to do it any differently.”
I reach out and squeeze her hand and say, “I wish you could see what I see.”
She only nods and squeezes my hand back.
After a moment, she says, “I’m so sorry, Gwen. You’re taking care of me again and I should be taking care of you.”
“I actually feel normal for the first time in days,” I admit. “This is what we do, you tell me about the mess you got yourself into and I tell you what you should do. I almost forgot that I peed my pants.” I laugh, despite myself and then add, “I’m not going to break, Charley, so don’t treat me like it.”
She wipes her eyes again and says with a halfhearted smile, “Okay.”
I clear my throat, feeling like we could both use a break from all the revelations. “Now, can you grab me something to eat? Something full of fat and sugar? Like a donut... or maybe a cookie. I’ve been choking down Mom’s green smoothies and I can’t take it any more. The woman is obsessed with my diet.”
Charley looks up at me, attempting a real smile. Mission accomplished. “They’re not that bad. She has Olivia and Max drinking them too. But I’ll grab you a donut from earlier. Be right back,” she says as she slips off the bed and starts for the door.
“Hey Charley,” I call out after her.
She stops and turns back toward me. “Yeah?”
“Let’s not tell anyone about… ya know, the incident,” I say sheepishly.
“Just don’t piss me off,” she smirks and disappears through the door. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling drained suddenly from the whole conversation.
Chapter 33
Charley
I walk out of Gwen’s bedroom, my mind reeling. I couldn’t get away fast enough. Stepping into the hall, I slide my back down the wall and sit with my knees pulled into my chest. I can’t believe the flood of information that my mind, as well as my heart, is trying to process. Like the fact that my dad hit my mom. It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea of him as a violent man, even if the alcohol changed him into something he wasn’t. But more jarring is my mother’s silence. She’s never said a word. All the hurtful accusations that I have spewed at her over the years come back to me now full force and I can’t help but feel guilty, ashamed even. The image of my father that I held in my heart for so long is slowly crumbling, fading to nothing.
Lies. All of it.
And I am gripped by the notion that I could be more like my father than I care to admit. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I can’t love the way my mother loved my father or the way Gwen loves John. Maybe I’m incapable of love. I think back to the one time that I was sure I was in love, with Ben. But I screwed that up. And if it was really love that I felt for him, would I have purposefully hurt him?