The Words We Leave Unspoken(60)

I think about what Gwen said. Is it easier not to let anyone love you, to dodge the disappointment and expectations, to live alone? Is that what I’ve been doing? Choosing the easy road? Letting my fear choose my path? Although somewhere I think my subconscious believed this all along, my heart is just catching up.

I see my father again in my mind, or at least the fragmented man that remains of him, and I think about the choices he made and where those choices have led. And I feel sorry for him, an overwhelming pity taking root. Is that what I want? To be like him? I don’t want to be a coward. I don’t want to be alone. And then I think of my mother and the fact that she’s alone, that she never remarried. What does that say about her choice? Shutting us all out because she couldn’t deal. Was it easier to not deal with it all? And then it occurs to me. She did choose love, her love for her daughters, even though she was too broken to show it. It’s as if I see everything now through a different lens. As if I finally see my life’s portrait the way it is meant to be seen.

I grip my hair in my hands, wanting all the thoughts to stop. It’s almost too much to think about on top of almost losing Gwen. I stand and walk to the bathroom, where I splash cold water on my face and comb my fingers through my hair, securing it in a bun on top of my head. As I make my way down the stairs, the doorbell rings and I yell out, “I’ll get it.” I swing the door open and find Ben standing there, hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Ben,” I say, stunned to see him in the flesh when his face was all I could see in my mind just a few minutes ago.

“Hey Charley. I wanted to check-in and see how Gwen’s doing. And to see how you’re doing...” He smiles and my heart catches. I step outside, into his personal space and look up at his clear blue eyes, taking me back in time to when I once saw my whole world in their depths. Something comes over me, nostalgia maybe, or maybe something more. That familiar need to erase what I’m feeling, to make it all stop. My heart is beating loudly in my chest as I shift my weight to my toes and raise up to meet his lips. I kiss him softly and then feel his hand in my hair as he pulls my face closer, parting his lips. And I lose myself for a moment, reveling in the euphoria that clouds all other thoughts. The heavy pull in my gut, flush of warmth, the budding arousal expanding...

“Charley?” I hear his voice, startling me, pulling me from whatever moment I was having with Ben. My heart sinks, clearing out the arousal in a quick beat. Ben and I step away from each other at the same time, leaving a clear view of Grey standing behind us, holding a bouquet of lilies – Gwen’s favorite – his jaw pulled taut and a murderous look in his eyes.

“Grey?” I take another step away from Ben, an awkward vibe snaking its way between us. As if to emphasize this, I hear Ben clear his throat.

“Is this you figuring it all out?” Grey asks with an injured tone that’s hard to miss.

“Grey...” I start to explain but truthfully I’m not sure what to say.

“Honestly, Charley, I don’t know what else I can do or say,” he scoffs, shaking his head from side to side. “Can you give these to Gwen?” He hands me the bouquet of lilies and I feel him almost flinch when his hand brushes mine. Our eyes meet for an instant but he tears his gaze from mine abruptly and walks away, his long strides carrying him out of sight before I can utter a word.

“Grey...” I call out as I start to run after him, not even sure what I’m going to say, but it doesn’t matter; I’m a moment too late. I stop when I see him reach his car and climb inside. He glances at me one last time before he backs out of the driveway and I can’t deny the sinking feeling in my gut. It was only a matter of time before he realized the truth, before he realized that there wasn’t anything about us that needed figuring out, so why do I feel sick to my stomach?

I blow out a breath, feeling my shoulders sag, and walk back to the porch. Ben is standing there, watching me. He runs his fingers over his lips and tilts his head to the side, waiting for me to say something.

I fold my arms across my chest, hugging myself in the cold. “I’m sorry...” I whisper, looking down at my feet. I don’t know what else to say.

Ben sighs and hangs his head. “Don’t be mad at me for saying this, but you haven’t changed a bit. All these years and you’re still avoiding the obvious.” I look up at Ben’s face as he says, “I can’t do this again. Give my best to Gwen.” I stand and watch Ben walk away, following the same path as Grey but without the urgency. I’m left surrounded by my own destruction, a swirling vortex of debris. It feels like the walls are closing in all around me. As if my chest is being squeezed so tight that it hurts to breathe, my entire world pressing into me from all sides. I’m losing everything. I’m losing Gwen. I’ve lost Grey. I don’t really have any close friends. I’ve held my mother at arm’s length nearly my whole life. And for what? So that I won’t ever feel the way I feel right now, in this moment. Utterly alone? All those years ago, I pushed Ben away so that I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of him leaving me, so that I wouldn’t have to watch him walk away. And yet, he still left and it still hurt like hell. Only I had no one to blame but myself.

I look up to keep the tears at bay. It’s the middle of the day but the sky is painted with dark clouds. I can’t go back in the house and face John or my mother or Gwen. I set the bouquet of flowers inside the door, grab my jacket off the coat rack and, after closing the door behind me, I walk down the driveway, toward nowhere, breathing in the fresh air, hoping to clear the shit-storm raging in my head.