The Words We Leave Unspoken(30)

“Look,” I say as I point to the sky and as she tilts her face up to the stars, they begin to explode one after the other.

“Wow,” Olivia whispers, a smile stretched across her face. And rather than watch the meteor shower, I watch the awe and wonder on my daughter’s face. Tears fill my eyes and slide down my cheeks one at a time, as if in slow motion, and I discreetly wipe them away with my blanket. And I think, I’ll never forget this moment, as I store it away along with so many others. I reach over and grab her hand and she turns to look at me for a moment before glancing back at the sky. I see so much of myself in her. Her stick-straight blonde hair, big hazel eyes, and her quiet strength. My heart is overflowing with love and heartache all in the same beat.

And right then, I make a wish on a falling star, feeling the power of it so deep that it touches my cancer-riddled bones.





Chapter 20





Charley


I stare at the piece of paper that I just found in the back pocket of my jeans while sorting the dirty laundry. Ben had written down “Pedialyte, Gatorade, and Children’s Motrin – 1 tsp” on a sheet of paper from his prescription pad. At the bottom he wrote, in his chicken scratch that I remember well, “Call my cell if you need anything” and his personal phone number. I had forgotten the business card and sheet of paper that were burning a hole in my pocket that day; I guess the stomach flu can distract you from these types of things. I had forgotten, until now. I am considering making the call if only to thank him for everything he did while I was sick. It’s the polite thing to do, right? I grab my cell phone and sit back down on my bedroom floor, surrounded by piles of dirty clothes, and punch in his number. Suddenly my hand is shaking and my heart is beating like a drum in my chest. My finger hovers over the little phone icon as I consider what I’m going to say. And before thinking better of it, I hit call and bring the phone to my ear. It rings several times and just as I am about to hang up, I hear his voice.

“Dr. Roth.”

I freeze, unable to find my voice.

“Hello,” he says into the silence.

“Ben,” I manage to say. “It’s Charley.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Better,” I say. “I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did. You saved me.”

“You were in pretty bad shape.” He chuckles and the familiar sound brings a smile to my face.

“Yeah, well thanks,” I say and then, “I’m still completely mortified that you had to see me like that.” I bring my hand to my face in embarrassment even though he can’t see me.

“It wasn’t that bad. You didn’t look much better twelve years ago,” he teases.

“Hey,” I warn. “You look the same but with less hair.” He laughs again and it warms me from the inside out. He looks amazing but I’m not about to tell him that. He always had longer hair and now it’s shaved close to his scalp, but it only makes his eyes more pronounced.

“When I walked into that exam room and saw you sitting there... well let’s just say you... well, you took my breath away.” His comment hangs in the air. It’s almost too much. I’m not sure how to respond. “Charley, can I see you again? Just to catch up?”

My heart is thrumming so fast and hard, I feel as if he can hear it through the phone.

We both wait in silence for my response.

“Yeah,” I finally say. And then add, nonchalantly, “That’d be great. We should... ya know... catch up.” Although in my mind I have no intention of a chummy reunion of any sort. And yet, my heart feels achy and something else that I can’t quite pinpoint. I rub my hand over my chest in an attempt to soothe the source of the discomfort I feel.

“Yeah, we should,” he agrees.

Another beat of silence and I am suddenly desperate to get off the phone.

“Well, I have to run. I just wanted to say thank you.”

“Well, you’re welcome,” he says.

“Bye, Ben.”

“Bye Charley,” he draws out my name with his breath as if he is reluctant to end the call. But I hang up before he can say anything more.

You took my breath away. His words replay in my mind as I stare at my phone. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. If all these years he has wondered about me? And if he does think of me, what is it that comes to mind? My betrayal? Or the three years that we spent together, happy and in love? I’m almost afraid to know the answers to my own questions.

Guilt is a vicious emotion and when I think of Ben, it nearly suffocates me.



It’s Saturday night. I have somewhat avoided Grey this week. I managed to fill his schedule with client meetings outside of the office and I dodged his invitations for late night “booty calls,” afraid that he would expect another sleepover. My emotions have been all over the place since Gwen’s diagnosis and it’s been screwing with my head in respect to Grey. I drew a line in the sand when this whole thing began and that line has been blurred. I’m afraid that I’m giving Grey the wrong idea and I don’t want his expectations about us to change. Nothing has changed. The space that I put between Grey and I these past few days has given me back my perspective. If anything I have less time and less motivation to be in a relationship than ever before and let’s be honest, I have never before wanted or needed a relationship. So there you go. I need to focus on Gwen right now.