The Wonder (Queen of Hearts Saga #2)(64)
“I’m sorry, Dinah.” He turned away from her, his voice shaking. “I can’t do this.”
Dinah’s hands clenched. “What do you mean, you can’t do this?”
Wardley sat back and extended his hand to help her up. Dinah slapped it away. “Please don’t touch me.” She sat up, her limbs trembling with unfulfilled passion.
“Dinah, please!” Wardley grabbed her roughly, his hands on the sides of her neck, his forehead pressed up against hers. His voice was filled with desperation. “Don’t you understand? I WANT to love you this way. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to love you in this way, the way you love me. I’ve begged and pleaded with the gods to give me those feelings for you! I want to be your king, your husband, your lover. But I cannot…,” he struggled with the words. “I can’t force myself to feel those things for you, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much I long to be the man you deserve.” He kissed her trembling forehead. “You are my best friend, a part of me! I love you, Dinah, and I will fight for your right to rule to my death! Does that mean anything? That I would die for you, gladly?” His face was contorted in agony as he looked into her black eyes. “Dinah, please! Please say something. I can’t bear the silence. Please!”
They were both breathing heavily now. Dinah stared at him, her heart shattering into heavy pieces. The world seemed to be cracking and breaking under her feet. Wardley opened his mouth again, his words broken and tender.
“You have no idea what I left behind to come and fight for you….”
“Do not speak to me.”
It was like being plunged into icy waters when you were burning hot—Dinah felt a ripping that was both parts of her soul and her vision of their future. She was left empty, drained—without her love, without him…. He would never be hers.
“Please leave.” She turned away from him, her voice flat and dead. “Please leave, Sir Wardley. You have done your duty here.”
He grabbed her arm and tugged it. “Stop it, Dinah! Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t turn away from me. I won’t leave you, not in this state. Please, look at me.”
She turned to him, her face a mask of stone. “You kissed me once. Is this all a game, Wardley? One more secret of my twisted upbringing? Did someone hire you to make me love you? Do you remember that day under the Julla Tree, when you kissed me? Was that part of the plan?”
Wardley grabbed her hands. “What are you talking about? Of course I remember. I kissed you because I wanted to. Because you were the first girl that I ever cared for. But even then, I knew that my feelings for you were not of that nature, no matter how much I tried to force them.”
“Force them? Did you force yourself to play with me when we were children? Or to seek me out when we were older? Were you forced to train me on the sword or to follow me here?”
Wardley shook his head angrily. “No. Never! You’re not listening. You don’t understand—Dinah, I would do anything for you!”
“Except truly love me in the way a man should love a woman,” she replied coldly. “Except kiss me.”
“Does that even matter? I am yours in every other way. I have chosen you, and I would again. If only I could make my heart obey what my brain knows so clearly. I have tried and tried. I don’t want to lie to you. I care about you too much. Dinah… please understand… you are my best friend. My Queen.”
There was a deep truth to his words, and yet, Dinah felt she couldn’t stand to look at his face anymore. Tears were flooding her vision, and a retching sob was making its way up her throat. She took a deep breath. “I need you to leave. Now. Please, Wardley.”
“Dinah, no—”
“I COMMAND it. Please, leave me.” She gave him a pleading look, a tear dripping down her face. Her voice was barely a whisper. “Please, Wardley, please do me this kindness.”
Wardley’s face contorted with a misery almost as terrible as the heartache she felt. He gave her the softest of kisses on her cheek and turned away from her, making his way to the edge of the clearing. “I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow morning as we ride north.” He stared at her, his face wrenched with guilt, before disappearing into the bramble.
Dinah waited until she couldn’t hear his footsteps before collapsing into tears. An empty hopelessness overtook her, and she lay beside the pool, barely breathing through the ache. The thought of being with Wardley had kept her alive all those cold nights in the Twisted Wood, all those warm afternoons in Hu-Yuhar. She had always envisioned him sitting on the throne beside her, his hand in hers as they led Wonderland into a glorious and peaceful future. Now, there was nothing, only blackness and despair. She gladly gave herself over to the sorrow. It washed over her, a wave of anguish and rejection, and she let herself drown in the feeling, glad to feel anything.
For hours, she lay beside the pool, her heart throbbing over each word he had said. She sobbed and screamed, she raked the dirt with her fingers and let her dagger tremble over her neck for a few seconds before flinging it away. When the night finally settled around her, she heard someone calling her name. Wardley? She listened again. No. Sir Gorrann. With trembling hands, Dinah pushed herself to her knees and splashed the clear water of the pool on her face. Opening her black eyes, she stared at herself, hardly recognizing the face in the reflection. The girl she had been was gone. She had left Wonderland Palace an idealist, a naive girl who dreamed of an easy crown and ruling beside a man who would understand and love her heart. Their days would be filled with praise and their nights with perpetual passion, wrapped inside each other.