The Space Between Us(100)

“No, I suppose not. I’d tell him it was really shitty, but I wouldn’t hold it against him.”

“We were so young, Asher.” I said sadly. “We were supposed to make mistakes. I’m sorry I walked away and never went back for you. That was my mistake.”

“Is that what you’re forgiving yourself for?” He asked softly.

“I’m working on forgiving myself for a lot of things, but yes, running from you is one of them. You have never been anything but supportive of me, and the one time you messed up I pushed you so far away you were never able to find me again. I’m sorry.”

“Can you tell me what else you’re sorry for? You don’t have to, I understand if it’s private.”

I smiled at that, at his acknowledgment of my privacy, but still wanting to know that part of me.

“No, it’s ok.” I sighed, trying to put into words everything my mind had been sifting through for the last couple of days. “I’m forgiving myself for getting pregnant in the first place. I’m forgiving myself for blaming myself for the miscarriage. That wasn’t my fault.” I felt a wave of emotions wash over me when I heard the words come out of my mouth, and I stifled back a small cry.

“Oh, Bit. I wish I was there with you right now,” he said painfully. I could hear the ache in his voice, the discomfort that came with wanting to be near me. Again, I was denying him the ability to be with me.

“I need to forgive myself for not being with my dad when he died. For putting that distance between us, for building the kind of relationship with him that he didn’t think he could tell me he was dying.” The cries came for real then and I couldn’t control them. Tears streaked my face and all I heard from the other end of the phone was Asher’s voice whispering comforting words and hushing me. When I’d calmed down a little, Asher’s voice was there to bring me back.

“Babe, he didn’t keep his illness from you because he felt like he couldn’t tell you. He kept it from you because he didn’t want you to suffer through another parent’s death. Trust me, I tried to convince him many times to call you and tell you, but he was trying to protect you.”

I took his words in and tried to process them. I knew my dad would have done anything to keep me safe and to protect me from harm, but now I’d never know what might have happened if I’d been more present, if I’d been less distant.

“I know you’re right, Asher. It’s just something that’s going to take some time to get over.”

“It’s another one of those things that you can’t blame yourself for, Bit. Your father was a grown man and he knew what decisions he was making. Don’t turn his actions around and make them into something you have to feel sorry about. That’s not what he’d want.”

“I know,” I whispered. After a few moments Asher let out a frustrated growl.

“This is killing me. I need to see you. I can’t be so far away from you when I know you’re hurting.” I smiled and wiped residual tears from my face.

“I’m ok, Asher. This is all part of the process. We both need this. If we’re going to be together after this, we both need to move on from everything, start over.”

“I know you’re right. I just want to hold you. I want to smell you and touch you.” I shivered at his words. His voice was deeper and I knew his intentions weren’t just to comfort me, but to make me feel him.

“I want that too,” I whispered.

“Can I ask you a question now?” I blinked in surprised, thrown off by the quick directional change of our conversation.

“Of course,” I replied.

“Have you seen David since you’ve been back?”

I nearly laughed at his question, but had enough sense not to. But I did grin stupidly. He’d always been so territorial over me. Thinking about him worrying over whether or not some other man was near me or talking to me made my heart rate spike. I wanted him to assert himself over me, to be possessive.

“No.”

“Does he know you’re back?”

“I don’t know what he knows. I didn’t tell him. But he knows I have a show coming up, and he probably figures I’m in town preparing.”

“Will you see him?”

“Not on purpose.”

“Do better than that, Bit.”

“I have no desire, whatsoever, to see David while I am here, or ever. He’s a part of my past, Asher. I never loved him. I used him and I am ashamed of that. He deserved way better than I gave him and I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I don’t want him.” Asher was quiet and I let him digest my words.

“How long were you with him?”

“Five years.”

“Shit… that’s a long time.”

“It was.”

“Well, I can tell you one thing. I know how men work, and if he had you for five years there’s no way he’s going to just let you go – no one could just give you up. If he knows you’re in town, he’s going to try to contact you.”

“And if he does, I’ll tell him I’ve moved on and that we can’t see each other anymore.”

“Your show is Saturday, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do you miss me?” Again I was startled by the turn in the conversation.