The Room Mate (Roommates #1)(38)

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Four hours later, my entire world was turned upside down.

Every time we stepped into the OR came with risk, of course. But I’d been so certain that David Hancock—Dave, as he told us to call him, Caucasian male, age fifty-five, married father of three, soon-to-be grandfather of one—would be going home. Of course he would. We were going to make him good as new. Better than new.

One moment, things were going according to plan. In the next, it was utter chaos.

I would never forget the deafening silence in the room after all the machines were turned off and the tubes removed. I wouldn’t forget the way Dr. Ramirez looked at me and said, “Get some lunch. It’s been a long day.” As if I could have stomached anything just then.

Instead I’d stumbled, wide-eyed and shocked, into the on-call room and called Paige. I’d intended to send her a text, but my hands were shaking so badly, I couldn’t type. She must have heard it in my voice, because when I asked her to come to the hospital, she agreed without question. Thankfully there was no else in the room that contained a set of bunk beds, and I collapsed into the lower one.

Sometimes patients died, and I knew that as a doctor, I would have to live with that fact. I’d been trained in medical school to dehumanize the person I was treating and look only at the condition. I also knew from my training that there was never much time to grieve; there were many more patients who were also unwell and needed a sound-minded physician at the helm.

But in this moment, none of that mattered. I didn’t care about my training, or the other patients who might need me. I could only think of the paralyzing stillness in that room, and if there was something different we could have done.

Fifteen minutes later, Paige texted me that she was here. I met her in the hall and guided her back to the on-call room, where I pulled her onto the bed with me. It was still warm when we lay down.

“Cannon? Are you okay?”

I closed my eyes and felt her fingertips brushing through my hair.

Locked in Paige’s arms, I let out the breath I felt like I’d been holding since our patient took his last. If I thought it was hard to watch a patient pass over, nothing could have prepared me for when Dr. Ramirez and I brought his wife and daughter into the conference room and told them that Dave had suffered a stroke on the table and stopped breathing. Their agony gutted me, and the bloodcurdling screams from his wife as she collapsed to the floor were heart wrenching.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I murmured.

“Did something happen?” Her voice was soft and timid, as if she knew the answer already.

“Yeah,” I said, my voice cracking. “We lost a patient today.” Even saying it out loud was difficult.

Paige was quiet for a long time. Then she shifted in my arms, and I felt her breath on my neck. “Of course you can,” she whispered. “You’ll come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. You’ll save many, many more lives than you’ll ever lose. You’re a great man, Cannon Roth. The world needs more men like you.”

It reminded me of what Dr. Ramirez had said as I left the OR.

“What do we do now?” I’d asked him.

“Go home. Tomorrow, we’ll come back as better doctors.”

I exhaled and tightened my hold around Paige. Maybe she was right; maybe I could come back tomorrow and try again. But for now, having her here, warm and solid in my arms, was the only thing my fragmented brain could focus on. It was enough.

Hell, it was everything.





Chapter Twenty-One


Paige




Watching Cannon suffer today had been agony. Watching him lie on the narrow bed, his body clutching at mine like I was the only thing that could ease the pain, it did something to me.

I’d stroked his hair and murmured encouraging things, but I had no idea if it helped. He wasn’t afraid to make himself vulnerable, wasn’t afraid to admit that he needed me. It was everything. But then an hour later, his pager had gone off and he rushed out to attend to a patient, saying he’d see me at home. He left without even a backward glance.

I couldn’t imagine a job like his. I worked in an office where the worst thing that happened in my day was if the printer ran out of toner. He’d watched a man die today, and worse than that, he felt responsible. He had blood on his hands, literally. I didn’t know what would happen next, didn’t know how you bounced back from something like that. I knew over the course of Cannon’s career, of course he would face death. But your first? Maybe it changed you for good. Maybe he’d never be quite the man he was before. I wasn’t sure, and it scared me.

Checking the clock on the stove again, I wondered what time he’d be home from work. Surely the trauma he’d experienced today allowed him a pass to skip out early. Though if I knew Cannon, he wouldn’t take advantage like that. Hard work and loyalty ran through his veins. After stirring the pot of homemade chicken noodle soup for a final time, I set the ladle on a saucer and poured two short glasses of whiskey.

I had no idea what might happen between us tonight, and part of me was hoping for something deeper than just sex. As great as that was between us, I craved more of a connection. I’d never taken into account how difficult it would be to have a secret relationship and not be able to tell my best friend about it. I needed advice, needed someone to talk to, to vent to, but there was no way Allie could be that person.