The Redemption(42)

“Go inside. This conversation is f*cking over. Just like we are!”

The shock of his words coaxes my anger back up as I stand there. He leaves skid marks on the street from peeling out so fast. Pissed, I turn my back and go inside before any photographers show up.

As soon as the door closes behind me I see Beth. She’s sitting on the couch reading a book to CJ and they both look up. “Hey, are you okay?” she asks. “Janice called me.”

“No. I’m not. Can you stay a bit longer so I can clean up?”

“Sure, no problem.”

I kiss CJ on the head. “Hi, Sweetie. Where’s Neil?”

Beth answers, “In his room, practicing on that drum pad Dex left for him earlier.”

Dex. “I’m gonna take a bath.”

“Okay, the boys have eaten. There’s still some casserole in there if you’re hungry.”

“Thank you.”

I stop by Neil’s room on the way to mine. “Hi Buddy.”

He doesn’t look up. “Hi Mom.”

“Did you have fun today at camp?” I ask, seeing the black and grey pad on the floor in front of him.

“Yeah. Now I’m practicing my rhythms. They’re para somethings but I can’t remember, so Dex told me to call them rhythms. He says if I learn these three, I get to start on a song next time.”

“Oh.” Looking into the hopeful face of my sweet son makes my whole body ache. I almost tell him there won’t be a next time with Dex, but I don’t, not wanting to upset him. No need to have all of us crying over Dex. “I’m gonna take a bath if you need me.”

“’Kay.”

I start the hot water on the tub before stopping to look at myself in the mirror. It’s hard though. Breaking people’s hearts is not something I enjoy doing and I feel ashamed for hurting him. I take my clothes off and slip into the tub, hoping to wash away the pain of breaking my own heart in the process of Dex’s.

The water soothes, but it doesn’t relieve. When I get out twenty minutes later, the pain is more than skin deep. It can’t be washed away that easily. I’ll leave it up to time to heal the rest while I focus on my family.





Dear Cory,

I can’t control my heart. As much as I try, the beat goes on. There’s no power in that. The heart holds not only the power over our souls but the key to it.

I had this epiphany at three in the morning. I wish I could sleep, but my brain has other plans like torturing me with too many thoughts, regrets, and memories. Why this doesn’t happen at three in the afternoon boggles my mind. It is what it is though.





XO


By seven, I was tired and a bit delirious. I missed Dex already and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours. Not only that, but he was right. I was thinking of him fondly. When we let go of the anger, we find clarity in the remains.

Beth was here early to take the kids to camp and I was drinking my coffee before getting dressed for my meetings that got moved from yesterday to today. A trip to the hospital is usually an acceptable excuse to reschedule.

Janice’s voice travels from the living room, calling my name. I put my makeup brush down and go out there. I haven’t called her since the hospital, but I’m still hurt by what she said. When I walk out there, she’s standing near the door, timid. With a half-smile she says, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I love this woman, so it’s hard to stay mad at her. Walking to her, I open my arms. When we hug, she says, “You’re a wonderful mother to Neil and Cory Junior. I was upset thinking you were over my son.”

Stepping back, I say, “I will never be ‘over’ Cory. But he needs to live in my heart because he’s not here to live in our home. To be truthful with you, I’m lonely, Janice, and doing something for myself doesn’t make me a bad mother. It makes me human. I can’t wear black for the rest of my life. I still wear the ring, but I’m almost thirty and I don’t want to spend my life alone.”

“Just don’t pick him.”

“Dex?”

“Yes, you have to be careful who you bring around the kids, Rochelle. He’s a bad influence.”

“He’s not. You’re wrong, he’s changed. You’re reading tabloids and gossip magazines and believing them blindly. I know the real him.”

She steps closer and takes my arms gently. “I love you like a daughter. I care about you, but I also know you’re in a vulnerable state and can be easily taken advantage of if not careful. Dex is no good. There’s always some truth found in those stories.”

“Hearing you repeat it doesn’t change how I feel about him. I can’t help who I fall in love…” I stop, gasping. My hand covers my mouth and I turn away from her.

“You love him?” The words hit me in the back like tiny daggers.

The air is sucked from my chest as my own words sink in. “I… I might,” I reply more for myself than her.

Upon this realization, I’m on the move. I run to the front door and slip on my Havianas. “I have to go.”

“Where?”

Looking at her, seeing the shock in her eyes, makes me want to stay, but I can’t. I’ll talk myself out of doing this or she will. “We’ll talk later. I’m sorry.”